"just let it go"
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 6:51pm |
that is what my therapist said to me today during our session. I wish I could.
I'm wondering if anyone can help me figure this out. I don't want him, I don't love him (at least not who he is now), I don't even like who he is now. But I think about him a lot, I'm insanely jealous of what he is doing with his girlfriend. Why couldn't he do those things with me? he was always too busy...I know "just let it go". They bought a house are moving in a couple of months, buying new furniture for the kids rooms as well as theirs. (all the furniture in my house is used, I "borrowed" the kids beds from my mom & sister, I sleep on a mattress on the floor & have his furniture from his first marriage in my bedroom)..I know "just let it go"
What am I getting out of this?...I can't even see him when he drops off the kids anymore because there is usually a fight & the kids were getting too upset. He has no respect for me or "boundaries" I set up. I just end up getting angry & looking like the psycho-ex from h*ll.
Any advice? I would appreciate it, really.
Thanks
Annette

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Actually, I don't have a bf. After what happened in my marriage, I am a bit gun-shy now. I've only done a little dating since my divorce.
I think if I hadn't had my son, I'd have left the xh earlier than I did. I tried to work on things for a year, but things didn't get much better. I hate to see the effect the divorce has on my son....but I didn't feel safe around the ex.
It is too bad so many guys out there take their kids for granted, don't visit them much and still think they can just sail into their lives at a later date....many will be surprised when they aren't welcomed with open arms. Meanwhile, the good Moms have been there day in and day out! Dealing with the tough stuff, but getting a good dose of the good stuff, too.
All the best to you, too!
It sounds like you have things under control. I send prayers to you because I know what a long road it can be- regardless of this stupid northeastern "everything is OK" stand that is prevelent here. Raising a special child can be a challenge anywhere. Pease write if if things get overwhelming. We care about you.
Laura
sorry about that, I re-read your post to find out where I got that idea but it was ex that has fiancee...
Your love for your son shows...
Thanks for the prayers - I appreciate that. So far, the ladies on this board have been so welcoming and supportive.
I am not sure how much I've got things under control! : ) I am trying to remember to take it one day at a time. I am on Zoloft and I am seeing a psychologist - I also have some friends at work who are good listeners who've btdt. That helps a lot!
Today I opened up the Sunday newspaper and saw an engagement announcement for the ex and the fiancee. Felt like I got hit in the gut - even though I know I do not want my ex back! I do not think the fiancee knows about the porn habit he had when he was married to me - I remind myself that he likely still has a problem. What I believe is that his past may come back to bite him - I hope it doesn't, but if it does, things could get ugly.
When my son got home yesterday from his overnight at his Dad's, he told me the gf was already gone and that she'd stayed over all night (first time for that since she just moved in). He was holding onto me so tight and trying to play with my hair (he was a 'hair baby' years ago and still likes to touch my hair if he's feeling particularly stressed).
We managed to have a good afternoon - it was warm where we live out West yesterday - got up to 56 degrees. My son suggested a trip to the park to feed the ducks and geese. We did that, took some pictures and also had a short picnic. Then we played on the playground. After we got in the car and we were heading for home, he said he didn't want me to talk as he was trying to put the memories from the afternoon with me into his brain 'for good' and put 'the other ones into the shredder'. Interesting statement, I was glad he had fun with me, but I also felt a bit sad. That's something I'd never tell his Dad.
Well, I hope we get through the rest of the weekend OK - ever since my son found out his Dad was engaged, he's been acting out a lot.
Take care everyone! Hope everyone has a good Sunday!
Abby
I had to recently comes to terms with that. I just received my updated "Temporary Maintenance Order" I have resigned myself to feeling priviledged that I even get a check every month and if it's 3-4 days late, oh well.
Thanks for the saying. Next time I am faced with his stinky attitude, I will say "Do I want to be right or be free?" The answer will always be free!!!
Thank you so much for posting that. I feel better already!
I can't imagine what it must have been like to see your ex's engagement in the paper. What a shmuck. Maybe you can give a years subscription to Playboy as a wedding gift!
Laura
Oh my, I got a chuckle out of that! It is fun to think of such things, but I know I'd never do it - even if I do think he's got a big, neon sign on his forward that spells out L-O-S-E-R. I'd rather be content with knowing that there is likely a lot of lies under the nice-looking surface and that he is not a good partner. They both strike me as desperate to get married - she because she is mid-30's and hasn't been married yet, him because he is anxious to fill the void in himself and likely to put the past out of mind. I cannot imagine this marriage being able to survive long-term - but, who knows, maybe they do have it together and do have a solid foundation to build upon. I hope so, for my son's sake!
The ex says he's worked on himself a lot and has changed a lot - I have no idea what he really has done or not done - but I cannot imagine truly getting things squared away for a possible addiction in such a short time - and if he was addicted - he could always relapse. At the time we were doing counseling, he didn't think he had a problem. Last summer he was still clueless as to why the marriage collapsed.
I also do not know if she knows about the porn (either just the 'regular smut' or the 'bad stuff') or how often he was looking at it (started out as apparently just a weekend thing and occasionally during the week and escalated to something he did 2 or 3 times a day - that I knew of! He'd do his darndest to get me to take our son on errands or go someplace in the evenings - without him - so he could get his fix in private.) That's their business now - I remind myself that it is not my problem - despite all the hurt and fear I felt in reaction to it. It is not my job to tell her about it. It is up to him if he decides to share that with her and up to her if she wants to deal with a person with that kind of a past. All I worry about is whether or not my son gets hurt in all this or not - and I know I have to let some of that worry go as I do not have control over whether my son gets hurt or not.
I realize that my being so concerned about whether the ex will act out again and hurt our son takes up waaaay too much of my time and energy. I am working hard to 'let it go'. I am glad that this thread got started - it has helped me see some things I want to change in myself!!!!
Take care everyone!
Annette,
I just read your post an it was like you pulled all of my thoughts and feelings straight out of my head! I feel exactly the same way, and it is driving me insane!! I know the relationship is over, and I know that I wasn't happy for a long time, but I am constantly obsessing about what he's doing, who he;s doing it with and what is wrong with me that he couldn't make the time to do those things with me. It is incredibly frustrating and self-defeating, but I can't seem to help myself. I don't have any advice, but I wanted you to know that you're not alone. I wish you the very best, and if you figure out a way to deal with all of that PLEASE let me know.
Cheers,
Wendy
Its strange how alike our situations can be. I haven't found any answers I guess one way would be to get my own "life"...we'll see
good luck to you as well
(((hugs)))
Annette
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