just need to get this out

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
just need to get this out
2
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 3:31pm

This may not make any sense if you don't know my story, but I really just need to get it out.

My STBX and I met this morning to talk about getting our checking accounts separated, etc. It was OK, I guess. He is sad (I initiated this) and started dumping that on me again, so I let him for a bit just so he could get it out. I really should not be his therapist, but he won't go to the counselor any more, so I just separate myself as best as I can from what he says and I just let him talk and I listen. It's really hard, but he doesn't have anyone else, so I do it. It happens less often now, and is shorter in duration, so he is starting to get a little better perhaps? I think if I was really having an affair (as he thought) or having sex with all of my male students (as he thought), it would be easier for him because he could blame it on something rather than just have to accept the fact that "it's just a thing". Although I am sad about it too, our coming together was by convenience and not by choice (we had a baby and married soon after, she is now 20, and we have a 9-year old as well). I need to do what's right for me for a change, even if it sucks initially and I could end up living with cats. Not cats, of course, because they make me sneeze....

Anyway, a little news flash came my way: he has hired a lawyer, getting the money from his dad, just as I predicted. He said that it was just because he wants to be sure that everything is done correctly and fairly, and unlike me, he cannot read and understand the forms and laws, and since his dad volunteered to pay for it, he would have been stupid to say no. He is right to do that, of course, but it freaks me out some because I really cannot afford to do the same, so I'll just have to be smart. I have offered to legally separate, which means that he will still be covered by my health insurance, but all else is identical to divorce in my state. We can divorce any time after that as long as both agree, and only one of us needs to agree after a year. This way he can have health benefits until he finds a new wife who has better benefits than he has, which is his plan.

I am nervous about the lawyer thing, more so than I let on to him. :( I just have to hope that she won't put ideas into his head about trying to fight for things that don't matter. And I have to promise myself that I will not get petty even if he does. I just hope I have enough energy to do that. And I also hope that my landlady finds a place to rent this summer for her two months of "gotta live here" (she lives in North Carolina the rest of the year) so I don't have to find another place for July. We shall see what I am made of in the coming months, I suspect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 4:11pm

LacyD here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 8:45pm

One way or another, you really do have to have legal counsel prior to signing a binding separation agreement. I second the advice to look into legal aid.

I don't think you need to be afraid of having lawyers involved. If anything, having a lawyer of your own will be empowering. It's nice to have someone else to handle those issues that you just can't handle yourself. In my experience, it is not in a lawyer's interest to be encouraging unnecessary disputes or trifles. If anything, they act as a voice of reason in those matters.

Good luck with all of it. You'll be fine.