Just need someone to talk to

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
Just need someone to talk to
8
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 10:13pm

Hi everyone

Have been following posts for a little while and just wanted to say hi and offer my experience. I am a failure, really, this is my second marriage that has failed and clearly it is MY issue that I need to deal with.

A little history - my first husband was very needy emotionally, we separated when our son was 3 months old (I was his fourth wife!!). I should have seen the signs earlier, we had separated during our relationship prior to marriage, but the chemistry was too strong I guess. After we had our son he was jealous of the attention I was giving our child, oh, that and the fact that he cheated on me, that was enough, having seen how childish he was with his previous children I knew I didn't want my son raised with that. Yes, I know, crazy, I should have seen that, I should have steered clear, I should have, I should have......

So nine months after we split, I meet my second husband. He is so different, funny, sweet. I was not really physically attracted, but he was so good to be around, cheerful, happy, good with my son. I was also his first serious relationship (yes, he was 32!! No, he was not a player. Dysfunctional parents, another post). Fast-forward six years, he is completely self-absorbed, I am left raising our son (he adopted my son) and our daughter. We both work full-time while I also do the cooking, cleaning, all child-related stuff, while he sits back and enjoys a glass of wine before dinner. He then decides he wants to change careers, which involves a 50% paycut. What can I say? "Sure honey, that's your dream, I support you". Except that two years spent trying to getting him into that career (law enforcement, I am a 13 year veteran in that field already, said I would never marry another cop) I am DONE.

From my perspective, he never showed me how he felt about me. I could be hurt or sick and he'd never utter a word. I took care of all the kids' stuff. He would go hunting, go on an annual canoe trip, walk out the door without telling me where he was going. He was withdrawn emotionally. I had a couple of holes in the walls where he'd experessed anger. He was stressed about work. He was totally preoccupied about becoming a cop. Yes, I had an affair. Trust me, I know my faults. When it finally got really bad last fall, he just kept wanting another chance. Said he knew it was bad but that he wanted to get through police college and then make things better. Things had been bad for two years.

For me, too little too late. An unwatered plant finally withers and dies, and once it's dead, no amount of water will bring it back to life.

We separated 2 months ago after he found out about my emotional affair. He moved to the house he would have lived half the time anyway as it is where he is working. He is having a very hard time dealing with it. I want to scream at him that it meant so little to him during our marriage, why care now? This weekend I dropped the kids off for his visit. He texted me afterwards to say he "really hates doing this". Yeah, it must really suck not having someone else do your cooking, cleaning, laundry, entertaining the kids.

I suppose my issue is how to deal with this. I know I have made two huge mistakes in my marriages. Because of that I am one of those people who now says "never again". Really, it has to be never again. How can I trust my own judgment? I am living in a new city with my kids, going to work, coming home, raising my children, wondering about life and that bad choices I made. I have no close friends here, which is why I am writing this. I am dealing with his guilt and hostility, my own isolation and guilt, my sense of failure, a sense of emptiness. I have been to therapy but found the therapists didn't tell me anything I don't already know.

When will he accept this? I can deal with my own failings when I know I don't have to feel guilty about his pain. I am completely alone, I ended the EA after the blow-up, so now I have time to examine myself and my issues. Except that all I am dealing with is his pain and sadness and guilt. I know I don't want to go back. I just want to start healing.

Sorry for rambling. I just don't have anyone else to talk to (as crazy as that sounds)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 11:32am

Hi!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 6:16pm

Hi Deedle

Thanks for your reply :) My kids are 5 and 7. They really haven't said too much about the situation. When we first met and up until his career change, he would often work away from home. Then he was away at police college for four months. So this isn't too drastic of a difference. Plus he has never been really connected with them. They were always much closer to me and to his mother. In a way (as crazy as this sounds) this makes him spend one-on-one time with them which he never really wanted to do. Even when he was away he hardly ever called them - there was always an excuse - so they seem to be doing okay. I tell myself that since I am less stressed it is better for them. Of course I worry about them not growing up seeing a good relationship and having a father in the house, but....


Yes, I am 100% done, which is also why I am so confused about being so sad and depressed. And we will be ok financially, assuming he starts paying support. We have been separated for two months and I gave him that time to get himself sorted out but pretty soon I will have to ask him to start. Then it will be more guilt trips about this being what I want, that he can't afford it, that I should give him another chance.....

I understand that I seem to always end up "giving" and then finally I have had enough and wake up and realise I am not "getting". And I wonder if that is because of MY upbringing - my parents were also divorced, I idolised my father, he lived in a different country, I recognise I spent my life trying to keep him and my mother/stepfather happy. I don't mean to sound self-pitying. I just know I am always trying to make things better. Maybe that's why?

Anyway thanks again. I have got a lot of information from reading here. I just feel down about everything. I am happy the relationship is over but I can't seem to get over the guilt and sense of failure. And I apologise to everyone who has been "left", I am sure some people are thinking that I should get over it, that I was the one who ended it, imagine how he is feeling.... I get it. there are no winners.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 03-13-2012 - 11:18pm

Hi,

First an excellent book to read ASAP: "Rebuilding: When Your RElationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher. You can find it on Amazon.com.

Second, it's OK to say "I'm Done." That's good. It means you won't make the mistake of running smack dab into Marriage #3 before you've had time to process what happened to Marriage #2.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 12:08am
I don't have much to add to the advice you got except for advice on your kids. Don't feel bad about them not having their parents together. They will learn to cope and be okay. It's much better for them to come from a broken home than live in a broken home watching their parents not getting along.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Wed, 03-14-2012 - 1:10pm

We can be sad over losinbg the marriage and breaking up the family while being absolutely fine with getting rid of the man. It sounds like you are getting sorted out pretty well.

I think its better to leave when the kids are younger, or older. The middle years are tougher on kids. I left when mine were 9 and 12, and I think that is the worst possible time. But kids are resilient, anyway :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 7:58pm

Thank you everyone. Just having the encouragement to "keep going" instead of crumpling into a ball and giving up is great. I really do appreciate all the great advice and comfort. So true that he didn't realise earlier and had no incentive to change. Now it's too late. I am sorry for that, but I can't help it.

Thanks again everyone ((hugs))

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Fri, 03-16-2012 - 8:52am

Jumping in late here, BUT....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2012
Sat, 03-17-2012 - 6:34pm

Oh boy. How very hard that must be for you with your children. We are doing our best (I think) to keep the kids "out of it" and to ensure things are as good for them in this situation as they can be. I am so sorry to hear that your children are suffering as you are too. It is such a hard situation.

You are right, I DO know I am to blame as well, and no matter who leaves who, I also think both parties need to take some responsibility for the failure of the marriage. Even if it is as simple as communicating earlier that there was "something wrong", or being truly honest about things before committing to marriage. I am at fault for both those.

I mean, really, you couldn't have been all bad or why would she have married you in the first place? Really? Same with my ex. It's my fault I wasn't more honest about my feelings sooner. Truthfully I shouldn't have married him but I was too cowardly to cause the heartbreak then.

For me and my ex, I hope in the end that out of this we will both grow somehow, and learn from this experience not to make the same mistake next time. If there is a next time.