Just need someone to talk to
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|Mon, 03-12-2012 - 10:13pm|
Have been following posts for a little while and just wanted to say hi and offer my experience. I am a failure, really, this is my second marriage that has failed and clearly it is MY issue that I need to deal with.
A little history - my first husband was very needy emotionally, we separated when our son was 3 months old (I was his fourth wife!!). I should have seen the signs earlier, we had separated during our relationship prior to marriage, but the chemistry was too strong I guess. After we had our son he was jealous of the attention I was giving our child, oh, that and the fact that he cheated on me, that was enough, having seen how childish he was with his previous children I knew I didn't want my son raised with that. Yes, I know, crazy, I should have seen that, I should have steered clear, I should have, I should have......
So nine months after we split, I meet my second husband. He is so different, funny, sweet. I was not really physically attracted, but he was so good to be around, cheerful, happy, good with my son. I was also his first serious relationship (yes, he was 32!! No, he was not a player. Dysfunctional parents, another post). Fast-forward six years, he is completely self-absorbed, I am left raising our son (he adopted my son) and our daughter. We both work full-time while I also do the cooking, cleaning, all child-related stuff, while he sits back and enjoys a glass of wine before dinner. He then decides he wants to change careers, which involves a 50% paycut. What can I say? "Sure honey, that's your dream, I support you". Except that two years spent trying to getting him into that career (law enforcement, I am a 13 year veteran in that field already, said I would never marry another cop) I am DONE.
From my perspective, he never showed me how he felt about me. I could be hurt or sick and he'd never utter a word. I took care of all the kids' stuff. He would go hunting, go on an annual canoe trip, walk out the door without telling me where he was going. He was withdrawn emotionally. I had a couple of holes in the walls where he'd experessed anger. He was stressed about work. He was totally preoccupied about becoming a cop. Yes, I had an affair. Trust me, I know my faults. When it finally got really bad last fall, he just kept wanting another chance. Said he knew it was bad but that he wanted to get through police college and then make things better. Things had been bad for two years.
For me, too little too late. An unwatered plant finally withers and dies, and once it's dead, no amount of water will bring it back to life.
We separated 2 months ago after he found out about my emotional affair. He moved to the house he would have lived half the time anyway as it is where he is working. He is having a very hard time dealing with it. I want to scream at him that it meant so little to him during our marriage, why care now? This weekend I dropped the kids off for his visit. He texted me afterwards to say he "really hates doing this". Yeah, it must really suck not having someone else do your cooking, cleaning, laundry, entertaining the kids.
I suppose my issue is how to deal with this. I know I have made two huge mistakes in my marriages. Because of that I am one of those people who now says "never again". Really, it has to be never again. How can I trust my own judgment? I am living in a new city with my kids, going to work, coming home, raising my children, wondering about life and that bad choices I made. I have no close friends here, which is why I am writing this. I am dealing with his guilt and hostility, my own isolation and guilt, my sense of failure, a sense of emptiness. I have been to therapy but found the therapists didn't tell me anything I don't already know.
When will he accept this? I can deal with my own failings when I know I don't have to feel guilty about his pain. I am completely alone, I ended the EA after the blow-up, so now I have time to examine myself and my issues. Except that all I am dealing with is his pain and sadness and guilt. I know I don't want to go back. I just want to start healing.
Sorry for rambling. I just don't have anyone else to talk to (as crazy as that sounds)