just need to talk
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| Sun, 02-25-2007 - 7:59am |
I've posted on this board before and although I haven't in a while, I've been reading it daily. My situation isn't as bad as some - I'm not complaining - but I sometimes still feel confused. To summarize my story: I'm 28 yrs old, been with my stbx for over 8 yrs, married over 4 yrs. We live in a foreign country, far from my friends and family. Stbx told me that he didn't want to be married to me almost 2 yrs ago, we went back and forth on the subject for a while, saw counsellors seperately. I moved out 5 months ago, and finally decided to get a divorce 2 months ago and to move back near my family (in a few months from now). For me the decision was a relief, and I enjoy living on my own, having a life of my own for the first time ever. As much as I feel sorry for him, I don't really miss the stbx. As soon as I made my decision to leave, stbx said he loves me, I'm the love of his life, he's sure he wants to stay married, etc. I think I love my stbx, like a friend that I've known for over 8 yrs, but not like a husband. I don't know if I ever loved him like a husband, or if it was just because he was the first person who loved me. I definitely don't think that 4 yrs ago I new what a marriage, what a husband was, or what I wanted them to be.
Anyway, here's why I'm writing. Last night I invited my stbx over for dinner because he was going to spend his birthday alone. I felt bad for him, and since I don't hate him at all, I thought I'd give it a try. We hadn't seen eachother in over a month. I think the dinner was a bad idea. We got along, chatted normally for the most part, but on several occasions he looked sad, he wanted to kiss and hug, saying, "this will be the last time I'll be able to do that," etc. And he was upset that I refused. He said, "I can't believe that after 8 yrs we can't even do that". His conclusion after the dinner is that he still loves me and he's changing for the better, that he is in love with me, etc. etc. My conclusion is that I didn't feel any romantic or sexual attraction towards him, he still tells me what to do, he still has a lifestyle that I don't want (no friends, difficulty making decisions, doesn't get along with his family), he has issues that I don't want to deal with. We get along well enough, he loves me...maybe I'm making a mistake and I should have given it one more chance. But at the same time I gave it 8 yrs of chances and I just dealt with our relationship being stagnant, and it took me to leave for him to realize that there were things to change. I feel compelled to move on now, but at the same time I wonder if I should have gone to counselling longer.
The divorce and my move are in the works. I wonder if I will ever know if I'm making the right decision.
I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice or anything along those lines, not even sure if my post makes any sense. I just needed to get the dinner thing and my renewed doubts off my chest.
Thanks again for listening.

Good Morning...
I hope that the time that has past since your posting has brought some peace back... Divorce is a big process--regardless of who wants it and who starts it and all of that. It is a big step and often there are doubts. Sometimes the doubts are more than just "cold feet" and sometimes that is all there are.
I'm glad that you are feeling better about things since you made the decision... I would encourage you to continue counseling through this process to help you determine where on the spectrum your doubts lie... and to help you through the many changes that occur once this process is started.
People grieve at different rates--and the leaver is typically well ahead of the leavee in the grief process. While you may be feeling more secure about things, your stbx may still be in the state of denial and while I understand that you had good intentions for the birthday dinner, those intentions may have given him false hope... if that makes sense. I don't know that I would continue to do things that could give him that false hope in the future, if you're sure of your course of action...
Good Luck!
Julie
Wow!.... Ya know, what you feel... and what he wants.... are two very different things.... and you cannot sway how you're feeling based on his needs.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks very much for your response. It's good to hear other people's stories. I feel less like the wicked witch. And maybe he will be better off for all of this someday.
I've realized that it's just better that we don't see eachother. He is apparently still not able to do so, and I feel much better about my decision and myself without him in the picture. A big part of our problem was that I constantly changed what I felt and who I was and what I thought to accomodate him, and sometimes I feel like it still happens when we are in contact. It's hard to lose a friend, but no one said all of this was going to be easy. I live in France, and there's a saying that they have here "you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs". I have to keep reminding myself of that.
Anyway, since that last post I feel better about my choice, and although I'm still sad, I believe that the future ahead will be bright, and hopefully I will have made a beautiful "omelette".
Again, thank you for listening and responding.
I think that feeling the sadness (and compassion for his feelings) just means that you still have a sense of humanity about yourself.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I read through your post this am.
You've answered all of your own questions, in my opinion!! You stated that you're not happy, that the "spark" isn't there, and you've made some HUGE decisions.
You need to do what you feel is right for YOU!! In my opinion, based on my own experiences, the "promise" of change from an x or stbx, after all of the probs have been talked out, is an empty promise. My x did the same thing. I didn't take it though. I moved on, and no it wasn't easy, but I knew that I had to move on for me. After all the years, I realized that I deserved to be happy, mentally, physically, spiritually.
I know that all of these decisions have been overwhelming, and scary. Just keep the faith, in yourself, and those around you who support you!!
Take care,
Laurene