Just need to talk
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Just need to talk
| Thu, 01-25-2007 - 1:44pm |
Well We had the discussion.
It was soooo hard. He does not want a divorce. I do. This is the first time it has been a civil conversation and no fighting. I explained that I gave up along time ago and really have no desire to work on it. I even told him I don't love him anymore. God I feel terrible. We talked about how to divide things, the kids etc. I felt a huge weight lifted off me.
He really has been trying, I wish he would have listened to me a long time ago when I was trying to save us. He comes home right after work, he talks to the kids and me. He even made supper the other night. It is only making me feel guilty for it not affecting me.
Yesterday in the morning we talked again and he ended up crying!! He doesn't want to be away from the kids. You need to understand that I have NEVER seen him cry! I have known him for 18 years! Now I feel trapped. I can't hurt him like this, how can I take the kids away. Should I sacrifice the next 10 years so they can have each other. I am so stressed iwish I had a good answer. I really don't know what to do. Our marriage has always sucked our relationship has always sucked but now he will work on it, after I quit!!
God I wish I could turn back time.
Thanks for listening, I am by no means perfect, just very alone.
S.
It was soooo hard. He does not want a divorce. I do. This is the first time it has been a civil conversation and no fighting. I explained that I gave up along time ago and really have no desire to work on it. I even told him I don't love him anymore. God I feel terrible. We talked about how to divide things, the kids etc. I felt a huge weight lifted off me.
He really has been trying, I wish he would have listened to me a long time ago when I was trying to save us. He comes home right after work, he talks to the kids and me. He even made supper the other night. It is only making me feel guilty for it not affecting me.
Yesterday in the morning we talked again and he ended up crying!! He doesn't want to be away from the kids. You need to understand that I have NEVER seen him cry! I have known him for 18 years! Now I feel trapped. I can't hurt him like this, how can I take the kids away. Should I sacrifice the next 10 years so they can have each other. I am so stressed iwish I had a good answer. I really don't know what to do. Our marriage has always sucked our relationship has always sucked but now he will work on it, after I quit!!
God I wish I could turn back time.
Thanks for listening, I am by no means perfect, just very alone.
S.

The fact of going for what you feel is right - a divorce - does not force you to take the kids away. It is all a matter of how well you two can manage to stay in good terms - I even know couples on friendly terms!!! why not? in the end, it is a person that we all loved enough to marry him and have kids together, so it implies at least some trust (at some point). It is sad that most of the time things degrade terribly, but perhaps you could be the exception??? think about it, and talk with your STBX.
You can talk, draft an agreement, move into houses or apartments close by, and the kids would always have both. YOu have to be sure of what you do, and put everything in writning, but it could be a splendid arrangment... for all. everybody wins: the kids do, because they keep two full time parents, the dad, because he stays close to the kids, the mom, because she gains time to work and/or go out... believe me, it is hard to find that time when one is alone... :)
Good luck, and lift the spirits. It was a brave step, and perhaps the hardest in the whole process.
don't second guess yourself, it took alot of courage to come to your decision. If you stay "for the kids" you would be setting the example of what an unhappy marriage looks like and they will think that is the norm.
You are not taking the kids away from him, my X and I have a great set up for our daughter, I know how much they adore each other and I regardless of how I feel about him or the situation, she will not get in the middle of that.
Just because someone may be a rotten husband does not mean they are a rotten father.
Reassure him that you are not taking the kids from him and will not put them in the middle.
My X gets her every other weekend and then tries to see her a couple nights a week after school, he picks her up and drops her off around 8pm...she hasn't missed a beat, she has the best of both worlds.
Infact, she told me she thinks she is special because she has 2 houses and 2 bedrooms, each one is decorated differently.
Good luck, I think what you are feeling is totally normal, I think there is a misconception that because you are the one initiating the divorce that you are not hurting, but your dreams have been shattered just like his have.
Good luck and hang tight girl!
Cheers,
Ruthann
I guess you could be speaking for my stbx's point of view.
I am in your husband's shoes.
I am sorry.
I am too immersed in my perspective (we have young children, too) to be able to help you. I hope whatever happens is what is truly best for your children; they are the innocents in all this.
M
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Divorce is awful.
I've read some of your posts and I have to say they do get me thinking more about how my H feels.
I do have a question for you.
Would you really want your husband to stay if he does not love you the way he should. Do you want him to stay for the kids? Is that fair to you? Do you think you deserve to be loved and cared for properly? These questions have gone through my head for years. I want a partner in life not a roommate whom I barely speak to. We have 3 kids and that is HUGE. But should that mean I have to be unhappy and lonely the rest of my life? I don't know, maybe I made my bed and now I need to lie in it.
In my life most people would consider me to be kind and thoughtful. I am always helping people, the first one most of my friends call when they need anything. I volunteer for all my kids things. This is making me sick. I am scared i will stay (which I am right now) because I can't bare to see my H hurt. The kids would survive, I worry about that too but I know we are good parents.
I only ask these things because I think everyone deserves to be happy, would you want your H to stay because he feels bad for you? Or do you want to find someone who loves you for you and ONLY wants YOU. I wonder what my H thinks. I think if H told me he wanted to leave it would have been hard too, it takes a way the choice, you have no choice, your H decided for you.I hope you don't mind my talking to you, you are helping me see the other side. I hope I can help you see the other side too.
please take care of yourself, you are not alone, this board is very supportive.
S.
Would you consider trying counseling? Since now your H is trying to do things you've wanted to. I understand "Too little too late". But it seems like you are stuck in the middle. I would consider counseling for a few months before making a firm decision. Is your marriage really gone? Is there nothing to save?
HUGE hugs. I know this is a hard decision.
Deb
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
Stargirl - it is a tough decision. It is also a brave decision - I don't believe anybody takes it lightly.
You mention staying "for the kids' sake".
What is the message you want to send to your children? The message I chose to send to mine is that the pursuit of happiness is a fair goal in life. That I - as a woman and as a human being - have the right to believe in myself, to look for a life that will suit me.
That goes along with supporting myself, and with being true to myself. That means standing up on my own, and making my own choices... tough. at least for me. but that is what I want to leave eventually as my "heritage": the memory of a woman who is no less than anybody, and who is brave enough to find her own life, happiness and dignity.
That did not - in my case - fit with "staying for the kids". The decision ultimately rests only in your heart and in what you feel is right.
Oh, our situations are both sooooo complicated, aren't they. And different in many ways, too, of course. I appreciate the respectful dialogue.
In my marriage I think both of us really working on it could have made things much better. Both of us and working hard! Would it be worth all that hard work to repair and restore the relationship. For me yes, for the kids yes. My stbx is not willing to do the work, never had been; not cut out to be a husband, father and homeowner, I guess.
As for my deserving hapiness and him deserving happiness ... I think once the commitment is made to each other and especially to the children then the children's well-being comes first. Whatever is best for them -- sometimes that is divorce and sometimes that is staying together and making as good a marriage as you can and making your happiness.
For me, I am closer to 50 than 40 and I have absolutely no expectations that the future promises me a new relationship and "happiness." If you are quite young then you can reasonably hope for that and maybe that is a reason to leave. I will make the best life I can post-divorce, but the life I would have had married is the one I wanted (sahm very involved with kids and maybe working part-time, etc). For *me*, a less than perfect marriage was preferable to the consequences of divorce (incredible stress, financial crisis, losing home, having to go back to work and leave my children in daycare, etc). And I think it would have been better for my kids.
But, that is my story and oh boy, when you get to the details yours and mine are probably very very different situations and we have to do what we think best for our children and ourselves.
hugs,
M