Just not working....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Just not working....
6
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 9:09am

Hey guys,


After a great weekend ( minus all the "stuff" that happened on Friday ) I got up this morning to an email from OW.


See, I asked her if it was someone she knew who may have been on the boards on Friday. I was nice about it, in fact here's the email....


Today, there was a post from candyk8 on my ivillage boards. I know you said you wouldn't lurk anymore so I know it can't be you, the only problem is that this person mentioned Jesse's cheating. I have not mentioned Jesse's cheating on the divorce boards. No one knows except Jesse's family, 1 friend of mine, you and Allyn. Is it possible that this is someone you know? If it is, please be honest with me. I am asking, I am not accusing.


Thank you in advance and thank you for reading this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 9:56am
Hmmm....her reply about your question about the post was SOO defensive!!! Maybe she has something to feel guilty about and is jumping on the defensive like that to cover her butt....at least that's how it looks to me.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:04am

I know, I agree it was defensive, but who knows why she does this stuff... I have given up on analyzing her actions... they never, ever, make sense to me...LOL!


Thanks for the support :)


Congrats on the baby too!


Hugs,


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 8:02pm

PREDICTABLE.


A friend of mine and her husband accidentally clicked on OW's website in their web history. For a few weeks OW has had everyone blocked from seeing it except her friends and family. Ok, no problem, right?


Wrong:


This is what she had posted about this very subject that I started this post about:


Detach!


I let my guard down and got screwed one last time. I wanted to have a counter-partnership with the kids mother. I didn't know if I should continue to try to make this work (regardless of how many time I got knocked down) or if I should just detach. I turned to my sistahs for advise. (You know who you are. Thank you so much you girls are the best!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:12pm

This is totally my opinion, and you can completely disregard it if you disagree with it even a little bit, but I think you both make so many negative assumptions about the others intentions, that any communication will probably end this way. I'm not sure how to explain what is in my head. But it's like you both think you tried to make it work, and I am not so sure that's what you did. Based on what you posted here and what she posted on her site about you, I think you both made a half hearted attempt in order to prove that the other is too difficult (or defensive, or whatever) to make it work. So you could both say "I tried, but SEE what I have to deal with?" I think really making it work would be different. You would both assume it would be hard, and there would be hurdles and pitfalls and setbacks and you would make a joint comittment to giving it an honest try. She would know that never discussing one word that didn't pertain to the children is impossible, and she wouldn't use that as a reason to cut you off. You would know that calling her to ask about an annonymous ivillage poster would make her think you thought it was her or that she at least instigated it (not that you think that, but it's not too hard to imagine she'd think you thought that). And because you both know it's really easy to turn things sour, you'd tip-toe a little more, and you'd spend time talking, laying it on the table (a little at a time), building a bit of trust, not EVER posting about each other on any site for any reason, and after time, then decide if it could work or not.

I think you've both done a little of that (really trying) but you don't have any faith in the other person. Because of that, it isn't ever going to work. I truly believe in co-parenting, but it's hard even for me to imagine a mom and an OW co-parenting. There might be too much pain to overcome. The whole reason you have her in your life is because your ex cheated on you and left you for her. And he left you when you were pregnant! I'm not sure you even should want be able to get over that enough to really 'make it work' with her. I'm not sure any normal person could. I think if you can exist on the periphery of each other's lives in relative peace, that is enough. That would be plenty.




Edited 6/14/2005 9:16 pm ET ET by firstamendment

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:40pm

I agree with you 100%


I know for me I am on the defensive, but this time I totally believed she wanted to work it out. I have ignored her "attempts" for weeks and then decided that I was doing my kids injustice by not trying.


Truth is, we are fine as long as neither of us talks to the other. Does she still try to get a rise out of me? yeah, sure does, but atleast no one can point fingers at anyone else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:49pm

First makes some good points about how each of you has a preconception of the other and how that colours your view of each others actions. I wouldn't respond to her on you having read this - she does need to have a place to vent to, and when we're venting we may say some things we might regret. And although you don't feel it's a fair representation of the events, best to take the high road and leave it be.

Although first may be right that the two of you may never be able to have a coparenting relationship, I think that even if you could be able to achieve such a relationship, right now it may just be too soon. With the way and timing of the ending of your marriage, it could understandably take some time for all parties to bury the hatchet and come to a place where you don't feel strong emotions when dealing with one another. So with some space and more time, you may be able to come to a point where you can tolerate one another. Whether that's all you can hope for or whether you might be able to have some form of communication... only time will tell.

-sang