Just Plain Stuck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Just Plain Stuck
7
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 3:55pm

I am recently divorced, and my husband had left me for his ex girl-friend from high school, how he has a son with. They hated each other for 5 years, four of which we were together. Anyway, after the things he has said and done I don't want him but it still hurts to know he is with her (she divorced her 2nd husband last month).

He flirts with me and acts inappropriately sometimes, and I told him he cant do that when in a relationship, and he says they are just "talking" but they have take two weekend trips together so I think that is bull.

Further more its important for me to keep in touch with him because I am close to his 6 year old son.

Anyway, I have had a hard time moving on. It's not that I want him, but I do not want anyone. I can’t imagine dating, and I have tried it. I feel like I am closed off to everyone and I am not sure how to open up. I keep telling myself to give it time; we have only been apart truly for about 6 months or so.

I just hate feeling stuck. I don’t know what to do to move forward with anything. I go out and have fun and I like my life, but I see no future except my present. I do not see getting married again or having a family, or even loving anyone again. I do not want to be that person that is just sad. I want to move on and see a future that includes something other than what I have now.

Does anyone have any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 4:11pm

Hugs to you!

It does sound like you're on the right track. Is there anything you've thought about doing but haven't yet? It sounds to me like you could use a change of pace.
For his 6 year old son... you may want to talk with a professional about how to best proceed with that reletionship. Maybe you can distance yourself by sending him care packages and exchange letters, rather than seeing each other face to face. I know it hurts, but it will keep that reletionship more between you and the boy, rather than his parents (mom OR dad).
This may be a shot in the dark, but are you still angry with him or just angry about all of this in general? I find that anger closes me off from a lot of people and keeps me from truly connecting and being vunerable. This is an issue I've been working on w/ my therapist - accepting whatever I feel as true for me in that moment, letting it run it's course, and then moving past that moment into a new one.
And - Who said you HAVE to date? From your post, you sound like you want to, but want to really connect, but then again you're having some road block to connecting (be it fear, or anger, or numbness in general). Is that right?
- JD

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:27am
I think I am just mad its happened, I am over being mad at him, although it still hurts. I do want to meet new people but I am not big on dating and I am more up for real connection, I just feel closed off. I dont know if its my body trying to heal or what. I do not want to rush myself but I am 25 and I dont want to spend the best years of my life wasting away either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 11:59am
First, you are only 25 so you have PLENTY of time to be in love and all of that stuff. Just take your time and go through this so that you make a better choice for a husband next time! Certainly you want to have processed all of this and know exactly what you want in a mate so that you don't settle...EVER. I met my stbx when I was 25 after a bad break up and now I have two kids and am facing divorce at 39. I wouldn't trade my girls for anything BUT if I had taken the time after the breakup to learn about myself and really do inventory, I might not have excused and overlooked much of my stbx's behaviors and red flags. I was just in a hurry to have someone love me and to start a family. Slow down, you will be fine!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 1:18pm

I agree with the previous poster. For me, I'm 26, and have been keeping busy exploring those interests I sacrificed for my marriage. And I'm loving it. It's great! I do get lonely from time to time, but I'm surrounding myself with loving people who understand if I need to vent and when I need to just hang out, laugh, and smile. Do you have a support mechanism? Someone you can talk to help you sort through the layers. We are great for that, but nothing like a face to face friend. :)

The great thing about this is - we're young! I am grateful that my ex walked out on me in the prime of my life! I've got plenty of time.

Ask yourself right now.... "What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" Because right now, you can't. ;)
- JD

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 1:38pm
Have you ever thought of doing some short term counseling. It was very helpful in opening me up to seeing myself in dating other people. I too had a hard time seeing myself with anyone other than my spouse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 2:45pm

Oh, Melissa, can I invite you to visit the Dating as a Single Parent board here at PP?

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-psdatesingle&nav=start

I know it seems contrary to what you said about not being interested in moving towards dating, but the ladies at this board will give you plenty of reasons why it is perfectly okay for you to sit out for a while. Don't let the name fool you; a good half of the regulars are NOT dating.

We call it being in the 'convent'. Just our joke, but after a while it gets comfy in here. We have time to fix the place up while we are recovering. Come on over! Despite our convent reference, we have pina coladas every day at 5PM.

Susie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 10:30am

Thanks so much for the advice. I have a good support system but I do plan on utilizing the message boards as well.

It's getting better as time goes on, its just frustrating when the future you have planned disappears.