Just a quick ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Just a quick ?
3
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 7:52pm

Hi...I havent been to ivillage in quite awhile, but i do know that i have gotten great advice here before.

My question is how long do you think a parent should wait before bringing the kids into another relationship. My husband and I have been seperated for 4 months, (he was just served divorce papers last week). He is currently living with his mother, and she had my youngest son over to spent the night. (i said she because he doesnt do anything with his kids) Well he had a girl over and introduced her as his girlfriend. Well not that i care if he has one...better her then me...yuk, i just think that my kids have gone through hell with him the last few months and feel its to soon to bring them into another relationship. My son was very stunned i must say. Maybe im to protective I dont know...I would love to know what you all think. And just so you know, since meeting the girlfriend, his visits have gone from a few minutes a few times a week to almost nothing.

Thanks so much ladies,
Vic

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 9:51pm

the kids should meet a new person when you are absolutely, positively sure that the new person is not a momentary thing... not a "fix", not a subsitute... wait a while if you are the mom...

be super honorable... don't give the kids the idea that you're suddenly sleeping with him, that you're suddenly making him the new "guy".

be very respectful of yourself and expect that the children will respect that.

it's super tough on kids... they don't know what's going on.... they don't understand that mom or dad just wants to have sex with someone new... keep the new guy away from them for a while and cultivate a really healthy relationship with the new man before you expose him to the kids....

no need to compete or to give the kids the impression that anyone will do... over and over...

really be sure.

I've had friends who have waited 15 years before they marry someone new... all in respect to the children.

Your obligation is to your children... not to your loins. remember that. :O)

and if dad has found someone new.... so what.... let the kids know that they are irreplacable to mom... that they are important. It's a big deal that children understand that they matter, that they're not replaceable by just anyone, that someone can't just walk into mom or dad's life and take their place.

if you have to, be bigger. it's not a race.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 10:26pm

Oh believe me, i have no intention of being with anyone else right now...i lived in a controlling mentally abusive relationship fo 14 yrs. The last thing i want is another man, I want to be on my own...My real question was about him bringing someone into their lives that has been in his life for about 2 weeks. I am very sensitive about what my children are exposed to, they have seen and been thru enough with this man. Unlike him, they are the center of my universe!!!

Thanks Vic

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sat, 06-18-2005 - 12:26am

sounds like you have a very good head on you!

eh, you know men... they're nice to have around, but they certainly aren't necessary...

take your time, enjoy your kids, enjoy your life!

smile all the time and know that YOU are doing the right thing... whatever he does will be judged later... when the kids are old enough to know :)

best wishes to you, honey :)