Just separated and confused!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Just separated and confused!!
4
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 4:51pm

Hi All,


I know this story repeats itself but here is mine....


I've been at work all day today and I cant move. It is 3pm and I have been on this board since 9am. I am 29yrs old and I have only been w/ 2 men relationship wise and sexually. I was w/ my ex husband for 1994 to 2001 (married in 1999) He had started to hit me and eventually cheated on me twice. Its sad to know that I stood even though he hit me but knew I had to leave when he cheated. I knew it was time when it was a matter of time that I would bump into this girl. I couldnt handle it so I left. He was in the military and we were stationed in S.D. I took the greyhound home to NYC to return to my mothers one bedroom apt in the bronx. At 22 I had no money to call my own, no college degree...nothing. I begged for him back and he said no. It took me so long to get over him but the process was a little easier b/c there we no kids involved and we had 5.000 miles btw us.


8mos later I met someone at work. Someone wayyyy younger then me. I was still going thru the divorce and actually winded up seeing my ex while dating the new guy. I needed to know if it was truly over. I fell in love. So the process of getting over him was a little easier. I was 23 and he was 19. But of course the usual sayings roll in...hes mature for his age etc...we knew each other for a couple of weeks and made it offical. We started dating in July of '02..moved in w/ him in Feb of '03 got pregnant in March of '03 and had our now 4yr old son in Dec of '03.


Our relationship was rocky from the start. So many miscommuncations and arguing - so many red flags but I was in love and when we weren't dealing with my jealously issue or his lying we were fine. The sex was amazing and he was amazing to me. He asked me to move in and it was great. We were both young at heart and his family loved me. I felt so fortunate. I got pregnant I saw a side of him that was ugly. He made fun of my weight gain and made me promise that I would join a gym once I gave birth. He hit me twice when I was pregnant. Well actaully he put his hands around my neck and try to choke me. Out of nowhere he would say things like you C**T I hope you die...now I see why ur exhusband hit you. Its your fault - you see how you get me. He would say horrible things to me in front of friends like you Bit*h I hope you get raped and die. I ignored it. I couldnt believe that this was happening again. I had my moments as well. I became so jealous - something that carried over from my previous marriage. He couldnt look at girls or even talk to them. I accused him all the time and it made him paranoid. I had severe depression and when we would violently argue physical and all in front of the baby he would say it was b/c of my bipolarness...that I needed help and how he may have some anger management issues...again only some...that its b/c of him reacting to me. I felt guilty for putting him thru that and always apologized. Things have been said abiut my weight and he would call me C**t all the time, BIT*H...and say this to our son. When I was pregnant I would purposely disappear for 3days and stay at my moms to see how much he cared for me. No phone calls. When I finally called him he would say hey how are...and would say well assumed u were at ur moms house so why call...this happened all thru my pregnancy.


He has put me down with horrible things so have I. He had hit me once for overreacting then call the cops on me. We have bruised and scratched each other, made the neighbors crazy. Over time I had come to love him less. We werent the same ppl. Like that Gladys Knight song neither one of us wanted to be the first to say goodbye. So we stood. The sex became non existent and I hated myself and body around him. Men would tell me that I looked good for my weight and he would say they are only saying that so I wont feel bad.


He has been inconsiderated and non supportive in so many things. Questions my spirituality and mocks it, we have different family values and this clashes w/ our son. Over all the love has dissolved and I can't be intimate w/ someone who has broken me down all these years. Our good days are few and are bad days are horrible and outweigh the good. He is stubborn and had yet to take responsibility for anything that has happen putting it literally all on me.


So I decided we should separate. We are not married but have our son. I told him that we should have joint custody and live close by for his sake. He is disgruntled and mean to mean during this. Then at night when the anger subsides he askes me is this what we really want and I remember the good times and how much I'll miss him so I say lets make it work one more time..lets go to counseling. A day after that we are arguing again and he is telling me its all my fault for everything..curses fly around and I say lets separate. This has been the same song and dance for almost 2 months now. Its killing me and exhausting us and my son. We both cant say...thats it oe lets really make this work. But I look at him so much is lost...my friend who once had passion and care for me is gone. I miss him...


I cant seem to get pass the words that were said to me...him putting his hands on me...calling me names...putting women down...being , militant w/ our son, not loving or respecting my family. When times are good and we are lauging while out at dinner...its great but for me its like its real good roommate..a real good friend...not someone who I am madly in love with. I cant get past it - I dont trust it. Is it safe to say that he has killed it for me? Well its the truth. So I dig hard to find something to hold onto and now its not enough.


He started to look at apts 2 days ago. I said wow this is happening. We argued about trying to make it work..I go wtf we cant even be civil to each other going over being civil to each other. He says Im calling the shots and this separtion is all on me, he'll never talk to me again, leave him alone and its my fault for whats happened...completely. I'm afraid of how bad Im going to miss him. Who would change the lightbulb for me? Who will kill that bug? Who will go to the store for me when I dont feel like it? Depencies?...maybe!! But I think about the outings that are good and how we laugh and how in there...a little bit..I am attracted to him and could hold onto something. So I feel guilty.


Today he was officially telling his parents but has not b/c about 3hrs ago he just called me. Ask if this is what I still want. I say omg I cant yo-yo w/ this anymore...yes my ans is yes...u need to leave. For the first time in so long I felt good and strong about this...I came in this site to gain some clarity!! He called again still not telling her asking if this is what I wanted. Then I walked over to the window of my office window and watched traffic quietly overlooking Central Park. We would go there all the time....I start thinking about our times there and how I would get annoyed how he would say to meet him at the northwest corner and not give me a street #...little flaws/idiosyncrincies!! Things that I love or things I will miss? I start to second guess and say I'll miss him too much so what if theres a fighting chance.


Well....after looking out the window I decided that I have the strength to fight ...ONE MORE TIME...this means GO to couples therapy and if nothinj can come out of it then at least we tried our best.


Im so sorry for how long this is. I keep leaving going back and then leaving. My friends and fam are tired of it!! This may be a mistake but I have to fine out. We are suppose to talk AGAIN tonight.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 1:29pm

May I give you a little advice since I am 50 yrs old and have been married twice, have 2 kids and am also a divorce lawyer, so maybe I have seen a little more of the world?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 8:11pm
You are right to reach out for help, and this is an excellent place for that. Musiclover has excellent advice (she always does!!) and some practical advice for you to think about as well. No one deserves abuse, and we do need to think about our children. Good luck to you and please re-read musiclover's advice before you and your h talk tonight.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 2:27pm
You are so absolutely right...thanku so much. I have to get things straight for my child and thats my priority...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 3:19pm




Hurtbut hopeful-


I read your post and I feel for you.