Just seperated & confused Update...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Just seperated & confused Update...
5
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 3:12pm

I would like to thank musiclover for giving me guidance...


we are officially separating and I feel ok about it. we spoke that night about going to the counselor and just trying...one more try. The next day and basically every other day after that we fought. He started to use against me things like..."I dont see you trying like you said." He definitely has an anger issue. My 4 yr old son was just playing with my hair and asked if he could put a barret in my hair. His father flipped out and said he wanted to throw up and left the house. My son was confused by his fathers sudden movements to get his clothes on and asked for a hug...his father told him not now I cant even look at you and left. My son asked me if daddy didnt like him anymore. It broke my heart.


When he came back he said this isnt going to work b/c I dont have any respect for him since I saw how angry he got and didnt stop my son from playing w/ my hair. His father speaks to my fiances mom and grandmother so horribly telling them to shut up. His mother was going to divorce him b/c of the treatment...anyway we had a friend spend the night since it was late. I was telling the story of how bad his father tells his 86 yr old mother to shut up already nobody wants to hear you talk after I asked her a question. That morning my son threw something at our friend so he can wake up cuz he wanted to play with him but it never hit him. I heard commotion and all I saw was him grabbing my son by both shoulders and carry him up shaking him flying into the room and winded up slamming my sons foot into the door...I jumped up and grabbed my son and he hid behind me. His father said he was sorry but I remember that look on his face. The rest of the morning we were kinda being short w/ each other and my fiance lashed out making our guess feel uncomfortable and at one point he was telling me off and made fun of my friend. As my friend was leaving he said to me that the story I told him of my fiances father is happening right here - that he finally saw what Ive been talking about. He told me that one day I will find someone to treat me the right way.
When I got back into the house I tried to make amends by joking and my fiance said Ive disappointed him and if I can say that this was my fault and acknowledge that I wasnt trying then he'll stop being upset. I saw so much that day.....


He is currently looking for apts at the same time playing the victim. My friend said to me that he longer wants to come over my house w/ him there...thats makes 3 friends now who refuse to come to my house b/c of him. When I told him this he gave the worst apology and said i want to make this work so Im sorry but to let u know u caused alot to. I told him that one time when he hit me I blacked out...for a sec...the arguement turned into him saying I didnt punch you ...I biffed you...WTF!!! Ur going to debate whether it was a punch or a biff cuz I blacked out. It saddened me to hear this but it was helpful b/c things opened up for me.


The deal now is that for some reason I cant get passed the fact the he put his hands on me twice during my preganancy. He didnt hit me but he choked me...twice. The first time he threw me down and semi sat on my stomach and starting to choke me. He saw me gasping and the look in his eyes was evil. Afterwards he said he was sorry and that it WAS disgusting but it wouldnt have happened if I didnt nag him about a certain girl. The second time he choked me cuz I didnt want to go out w/ him and his mom cuz i wasnt feeling well. He called me a bitch and extended his very long arm and starting choking me and I couldnt reach him to stop all this while his mother waited outside. It hits me NOW that he could have killed me and the baby in my stomach.Now why is this playing everyday in my head NOW..I think its b/c of my son. There is a fear in me that he will start doing this to our son. Our son is 4 and he tells me its wrong that I

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 3:30pm




Oops, just posted to your other message.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 10:11am

Aprilmagic...thanku so much....I loved what you said about forgiving myself for allowing

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 11:10am
Considering the way that your BF behaves, I would consider asking the court to require him to have supervised visitation and to attend parenting classes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 10:22am

After the events that unfolded last night with him and my son...no hitting but I am feeling the brunt of making him a dad at age 20. He acts worse than my son. I told him yesterday that if I have to fight him in court bcuz of this I will. Its more of the things he tells my son that are scary...like get out of my face right now and Im disgusted etc. and hes only 4. It feels like its turning onto my son. I felt my fear last night and said I dont think I want you alone w/ him. We went to go see fireworks last night and there were bugs everywhere and my son was freaking out and hysterical from the fireworks...he was crying like he was on fire and my stbx said get him out of here w/ this look on his face. After walking around the park holding him and not letting him down once sweating my butt off my son relaxed and enjoyed the fireworks. As a parent I believe that the first instinct is to protect ur kid and make them feel safe. Not say to a 4 yr old whose petrified of bugs to say stay and deal with it while it looks like hes having a seizure. I know that Im soft on my son but I realize its b/c hes dad is so militant and brute w/ him that I have to make up for some stuff. Anyway when we met up after the firworks my son ran to his dad going daddy i saw the fireworks and my stbx in all his true glory ignored my son...completely ignored him asking me how do i have the nerve to reward him with a high five for watching 10mins of the fireworks after you both left me alone...I reminded him that he said to "get him out of here". He told our son that he wouldnt be joining us for the 4th b/c of his actions today. My stbx said I was alone and miserable...I said wtf are 5...grow up and suck it up...did i get to really see the fireworks NO...I was to busy carrying him wiping snot and sweat from my neck but I made the best of it. He sulked and said that he doesnt trust our son not to do it again...my son begged for him to go on the 4th and he still said no...b/c he didnt want to be around him oif he was going to freak out...to make a long story short it was sad...just plain sad.


Earlier as we were leaving to the park he went to go put his arm around me and I ducked and moved. He was offended and I said what are doing...im sorry that I have to be stone cold and dont want to be a bitc* but I have to start pulling back and so do u. He's not motivated to move and its bad. He said wel I figure I'll stay for 2 weeks and see how things go. WTF....the same way it is now. He said well I have this fantasy in my head that we can work it out...I said great screw the fantasy what about the real deal....anyway...musiclover I think thats a great suggestion for parenting classes and def anger management. As for me...I cant wait to get to the bottom...of me :) Thanks


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 12:01pm
My DD is 19 and still afraid of bugs.