Just so tired of being hurt .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Just so tired of being hurt .....
2
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 3:08pm

I've been divorced a year and have two sons, DS#1 is married and lives nine hours away and DS#2 is in college. My EX lives in the same town, so when they come to visit, we have to 'share'.

Well, it's the 4th of July and DS#1 and my daughter-in-law just left to drive home. I'm already crying -- mostly because I miss them so much and don't get to see them nearly often enough and because as usual, the visit was stressful. They stay with me when they are here, so they make plans to see their Dad and I'm just supposed to 'be here' for meals, clean towels, etc. For example, this morning, I thought they would be going to the parade with me, but they had made plans with their Dad.

I try so hard to not put them in the middle, but to be perfectly honest, I feel like a little kid on a playground thinking, "Pick me. Please, pick me." I'm just so tired of being hurt. We did have a great talk the night before on how I still struggle with the 'whys' of the divorce -- DS told me that he knows that his Dad made all of the wrong decisions and that I don't need to feel guilty.

Any suggestions or ideas to make visits easier?

Edie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 3:36pm

Hi Edie,
I have never been in your position, but I have been in a position very similar to the one your DS is in, with my parents.
My parents weren't divorced, but they felt they had to share me with my inlaws. Whenever we came home to visit, we stayed at my parent's place because they had more room, and we visited with his parents. As a result, my parents wound up seeing me at the end of the day, when I was worn out, or in the morning, when I just woke up and was cranky from sleeping on a hide-a-bed... They'd see me for clean towels, to go to bed, and for the occaisional meal. Most of this was driven because my STBX had a severe problem with cutting the apron strings and was so attached to his family that I would just give in and allow him to plan our free time. The parents who were not the hosts ended up with the "fun time" and my parents got the leftovers.

Finally, my father approached me, and STBX, and said that if that was the way that it was going to be, we might as well be staying at a hotel, because it was simply too hard on my mother. She would look forward to my visit, but then spend all her time waiting around for me and being disappointed. He pointed out how it was that my mom would do so much, prepare meals, arrange places to go and things to do, but all it seemed we would do is pop in and out, use the car, and sleep. Oh, and eat quick meals, usually rushed.

I felt terrible. But it was a real wake-up call. I sat down with STBX and told him we needed to balance things a bit better, and to basically put the reigns back in our hands, rather than being pushed and pulled to and fro. (My STBX resented this, and it ended up that he would continue to do the things he wanted, when he wanted, with his family, while I spent quality time with mine. It was one of the signs my marriage was not what I had thought...)

Perhaps your DS and his wife need to make it clear to "Dad" that they are there to see you, too. From what you said, it seems "Dad" was the driving force in your divorce, perhaps he is being pushy and is commanding their time, and they either don't realize it or don't know how to say no? You said that DS agrees that your ex made mistakes and it is not your fault, I think he will be equally understanding about this...

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 10:21pm

I think you have to have a heart to heart talk with your children individually. I think the best time might be when they start to plan their next visit. Let them know that in the past you end up feeling like just a place to stay, and while you totally understand they want to spend time with both of you, you think that they should 'schedule' some time for you too, because if they are just staying there and there are no plans, then you don't end up doing anything together. They should be able to understand this, and to talk to their dad and discuss 'when' they would be seeing him and then talk to you about 'plans' with you.

I haven't gone through what you have, but I do live far away from my family and I go back sometimes only once a year. I want to see my old friends and my extended family, plus spend as much time with my sister and mom as possible (they live about 45 minutes away from each other) and it's amazing how hard it is to fit that into one week. What I do is talk to my mom and she plans one 'extended family' get together either at my grandma's, her house or my sister's house. Once I know what night that is happening (usually a weekend night), I call my old friend and she checks out what night all the friends might be able to get together (usually a weeknight or a weekend lunch). Then the rest of the time is split between my mom and my sister's family, and we coordinate if dd and I will stay part of the time with each of them, or if we stay with my mom and then just schedule lots of things to do with my sister. I put a good deal of effort into planning all this, otherwise I know someone would get short changed (which means I would feel short changed too). If your children aren't doing this for you, then suggest it, come up with things ahead of time and invite them. If you know they will be there from Tuesday through Sunday, then tell them before they get there that you wanted to take them out to dinner (or cook a special dinner) on Thursday night and there is an event on Saturday you want to all do together and get a committment from them to do those things. It will be harder for them to back out of something they agreed to than it is to just 'never get around' to spending quality time with you.

Photobucket