Just thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Just thoughts
1
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 1:18pm

I just came back from a funeral. I’m tired of funerals; not because I’ve been to so many recently, but because I’ve been to two this month for people who shouldn’t have died.

The first was a dear friend’s mother who was sick for several months from an undiagnosed disease. While her direct cause of death was known, her original illness is as of yet unknown.

The one today was gut-wrenching and it will take me a while to clear my head of the death of a woman younger than me with a child younger than my youngest. I never knew D when she wasn’t ill as her first bout with cancer was diagnosed shortly before her son came to my daughter’s school. She recovered slowly during that year, and while I wouldn’t count her amongst my best friends, I quite enjoyed her enthusiasm for everything she did and her passion for life. She and her husband J were inseparable, not because they didn’t have anyone else, but because they enjoyed each other more than any other. While D was sick, he stood by her and loved her more fiercely than I could ever imagine being loved by a man. When my girls moved to another school, we drifted apart, though I saw them at birthday parties and around town. This summer, when she developed cancer (as a result of her first round of chemo), I neglected to send a card, thinking, in my naivety, that she would be fine. And for a while, she was. But last week, things changed and she grew weaker. I found out about her passing Monday morning and cried for her, and for J and for their wonderful son.

Today at the funeral, I heard of the magnitude of their love and commitment to one another and their family. I mourned with the many for J and S and the loss of wife and mother, but I mourned privately and alone for me and what I lost 5 years ago. I didn’t get to have one great love in my life that means everything above all else. I didn’t get to have one man love me so intensely that he is grateful for every moment that we had together no matter what every moment brought. I didn’t get to have children who have a secure and intact family. And while I’m ever so grateful for everything I have now, and I have no real regrets about the divorce, I mourn the loss of what could have been and the loss of my childhood dreams. My overall happiness with my life as it is now will end my mourning much sooner that time will end the mourning for J and S. My loss cannot compare to theirs and I would never deign to make that comparison. I’m going to take a little more time today to mourn but when the sun rises on a new tomorrow, I’ll look ahead to the future.

Who knows. Maybe the love of my life has already found me and I haven’t really missed anything.

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: callalily65
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 4:27pm

HUGS Calla!


I'm sitting here thinking.... of the people that I know, and have known, who have faced sickness and tragedy.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~