Just an update...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Just an update...
17
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 10:53pm

Things here are well... here... there have been some wonderful moments and some truly horrid moments this past week...

The most magical moment of all was Monday night... Joey was an angel... he was a good listener... ate all his dinner... cleaned up his toys when we asked and went to bed easily... as I was tucking him into bed, I was thinking how amazingly peaceful that night had been... I can't remember the last time I had such a peaceful evening with Joey...

Joey has really been difficult lately too and that in itself has provided some of the lows... yesterday he refused to get dressed... I must have told him 30 times if I told him once... during this time he also had the gall to tell me that he only had to listen to his daddy and pawpaw, because they're boys and mommy and grammy are "just girls" so he doesn't have to listen to us (what the h-e-double hockey sticks?)... finally, I just gave up and said fine, you can go to school wearing the socks and jeans you have on... we got to the garage and it was chilly in there (low 50's yesterday morning) and he complained he was cold... I gave him a minute or so to be cold and then explained that was why I wanted him to get dressed in the first place... this morning was ~much~ easier, so hopefully that sunk in...

Last night was also hard because as soon as I left Joey's room after tucking him in, he started screaming and screamed for nearly an hour before I had had enough... then I did what I hate doing--calling xh... I was in my room, about 30 feet from Joey's room (total) and asked him if he heard anything... he asked why Joey was screaming and I told him he had been doing that for the past hour because I wasn't in there... they talked and xh managed to get him calmed down... which was good and bad...

Bad because I hate calling someone when Joey is out of control/won't listen to me... I know it undermines my authority, but Joey is one tough cookie. I am wondering if he, me or we need therapy/counseling, because truly the getting dressed thing pushed me over the edge... and I can't let him have that control over me... he cannot make or break my day like that...

I have purchased fabric to make an upholstered headboard, duvet cover and bed skirt... I fell in love with the fabric several weeks ago and went to the store last weekend to see that they had sold out of it... fortunatley, I found it at another branch and it was 50% off... I have picked paint colors out of the fabric to paint my room, the sink area of my bathroom (directly off my room) and the tub and toilet area of the bathroom that connects to my sink area and Joey's sink area... when I saw the fabric was sold out, I panicked a bit, since I had chosen paint colors... but it is all good now... fabric is in my closet, just waiting for me to have the time...

Another good thing... I found out my travel schedule for the pre-season... In the past, my travels have been limited to the SE and south central regions when there has been a lot of opportunity for travel, but this year the opportunities were limited and I truly didn't know if I would get to go... (4 possible trips with 10 people who are qualified to go, as opposed to 11 trips for 11 qualified people last year)... not only am I going to get to go, but I am getting my first choice... There has been a lot of confusion and restructuring going on at work and this really feels like a vote of confidence...

Anyway, that's the latest here... we've had somewhat of a rough week, but we have a good!playdate scheduled for Saturday and a hockey game on Sunday, so the weekend is looking

*hugs*

Julie & Joey

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Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 11:45pm

It sounds like Joey is having some problems dealing with the separation. My son also had some problems. A counselor recommended that I take him to special group sessions for children called 'rainbows'. It is for children suffering some sort of loss in their life, including divorce. Another lady at work did the same sort of counseling for her children, and she claimed it did help tremendously to see other children who had similar circumstances. Perhaps there is a children's counseling group in your area with the same concept?

I noticed that you mention you travel. I also travel for work and wondered how you deal with that and family. I am always feeling such tremendous guilt for leaving home for several days and am really struggling with that. I have a few upcoming trips up through June of this year that I really look forward to because they are choice trips. But yet that guilt is eating me up. I would like to hear about your thoughts and experience on this. I am meanwhile trying to decrease the travel, which has succeeded, but even these less frequent trips make me feel bad.

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Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 8:34am

hi julie... sorry to hear that joey is acting this way. those kids surely know how to push

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 9:05am

Did you go back and say "Hey Joey, why are you screaming?"


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 9:15am

Hummm.... I know winter is different than summer (but a kid will decide that cold is uncomfortable very quickly, too!--no harm done), but when Brooke was 3 she insisted on wearing sweat pants and a sweater to school..... in JULY!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for rainbowbrite_14
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 1:04pm
I can totally sympathize with you! My ds is 10 and I remember vividly the 3-4's almost killed me! It used to be sheer h*ll to put him to bed and drop him off at daycare. Screaming and screaming...let me try to remember how I got past that...hmmm I think it was lots of alcohol, lol! For bedtime I had to find something that he hated losing to get him to go to bed quietly AND stay in bed (that was a big one). He could not stand to have the door shut all the way and would freak out if you just threaten it. Not everyone will agree with my methods I'm sure but, that's what I would do. Because no matter the amount of back rubbing or reasoning or yelling worked like threatening to close that door. He would test me and I would shut the door because I told him I don't want to hear it and if you don't stop I have to close it. He wouldn't believe me and I would follow through even though I HATED to do it. I knew at 3 or 4 that if I didn't get a firm hold on his extreme behaviors he would run me down like a mower for the rest of his life and that the control issues would get worse and worse. Now he's 10 and life sure ain't perfect he does at time really control my life a lot with his behaviors but, he does respect me and he knows he can only get by with so much. Good luck and I do recommend therapy. I just didn't know what to say or do to get my ds to express his emotions and that's why I hired professionals!
Jessica
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Registered: 01-22-2006
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 6:35pm

Hi Julie,

OOOHHH yeah I remember that phase! Just keep in mind that it is just a phase... this too shall pass! I know its hard not to either flip out or just get in to bed with them so you can get some sleep. Try different things, I always have a talk with my son early in the eve about how he is going to eat dinner, take a shower, watch TV for 5 minutes and go to bed with out fighting, whinning, or crying. Then if he still has thrown a fit and finally calms down while in bed (this may or may not work for you) I'll go into his room and talk to him again, I'll ask him if he liked being upset or fighting? and he'll say no and I'll ask him isnt it better to behave and have time with mommy before we turn off the lights and hell say yes and goes to bed... Usually I have found that he acts like this after being at daycare for a couple of days and is just tired and over stimulated.

I think you'll enjoy painting your rooms and making your home! It sounds like it will be a relaxing place for you to unwind.

Traveling sounds like a good time! Even if it is for work, you'll be away from the everyday stuff and able to relax and reflect. Good luck with that!

Taylor

Avatar for momtojoeybear
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:03pm

Thanks for your suggestions about rainbows... at the time of the separation (almost three years now) he was too young for any of the groups that they discussed in my seminar for divorcing parents, or whatever the required county class was called... but I may look into them now... they say that one of the best things the ncp can do for their children after a divorce is not disappear, but I fear that that is how Joey sees my xh, as he moved out of state 1 week after the divorce and only came to see him once last year... (xh didn't want holidays, etc at the time of the divorce, therefore he declined a lot of the normal ncp "rights") He said he's hoping to come again in March... when that time comes, Joey will go to my xils for the weekend and that way he gets to see xh as much as possible...

Traveling... my job typically puts me on the road twice a year... once is this time (jan-feb-march) for one or two trips, and again in October... this time of year, it is for chemical schools that my company hosts nationwide... last year, I went on two separate trips, which meant two bouts of separation issues, but this year, my two schools will be in one trip, which is wonderful... the trip in October really isn't a trip, unless going across town counts... but I am away from home for 2 to four days, depending on some circumstances... some things I do is I know these trips are coming, so I buy Joey little thinking of you gifts from me to him for each night he's with my Mom (we live with my Mom, so nothing about his environment changes except that I'm not here, not that isn't a big change, but he's not anywhere unusual or anything)... I call, but often that upsets him more because he may not be missing me much until my call... its tough... but we make it work somehow...

*hugs*

Julie

Avatar for momtojoeybear
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:19pm

Hi SK! Its always great to see you around here... Thanks for the vote of confidence too... I really appreciate it.

Thank you for your suggestions. Joey often (at least 4 out of every 5 days) picks out his clothes the night before, so that what he will wear is not the question... it helps a lot... and since the day he got cold in the garage, the past two days have gone much better...

I have been considering counseling, both for myself and for Joey... there were several coping with divorce groups that I found out about at the time of my divorce, but Joey was too young at that point... I may look into them again for him... as for me, we have an employee assistance program at work that I have been doing some reading on... I've read quite a number of articles, which explain the wonderful age of 4 a bit better... and they also have a system set up that you can get referrals to counselors... if you stay in their group, you get a certain number of sessions free... and its not just for me, but also for members of my household... so perhaps that is another route for counseling for him as well as me... I know that even though he's young, that they do play therapy... so it is an option...

*hugs* and thank you for the btdt advice!

Julie

Avatar for momtojoeybear
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:33pm

Hey Karen...

Whenever I ask him why he's crying, I either get a because or a because I'm sad, and then he won't go into anything more... or what I got tonight, which was, because my police man rescue hero is all alone downstairs in the toy bin (along with 10 or more other rescue heros)...

And yes, lately I have been wondering who took my sweet JoeyBear and replaced him with this other child who looks a lot like him... BUT... :)

I bet a deeper shade of yellow would look great in that bathroom...

Joey's very excited about this weekend... our playdate is with his friend Caitlin, whose mom I met in childbirth class... so Joey and Caitlin have known each other since before they were born... we then wound up in the same new moms group just after they were born and we get together about once a month, except with the holiday craziness I think the last time we saw them was October... they play really well together... then on Sunday, it doesn't get much better than a hockey game... he's excited about that one too...

Then next weekend... Braves fanfest... free admission to Turner Field... you can tour the "team" areas of Turner Field, seeing the clubhouse and the bonus features, you can sit in the dugout and run the bases, plus there is an autograph session... We haven't told Joey about that one yet, but you know he's going to be tickled!

*hugs*

Julie

Avatar for momtojoeybear
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 10:42pm

I had to lol at your crutch that got you through those years... I am not a big drinker (one wine cooler and I can feel it), but I won't say that I haven't thought of it at different times recently...

Yeah, I know what you mean about if you don't get him in check now it will only get worse... not that children and dogs are the same thing, but we have a rott mix and he's a big dog (of course)... when he was a puppy, I was totally firm with him so that he would learn his commands and what he could and couldn't do, so that now (big dog), he knows and obeys and doesn't run over me (unless there is a squirrel in the backyard and he's trying to get at it... and even then it is more of a tug...)... he learned his limits... and I have to make sure that Joey understands similarly (as closely as you can compare the two)...

I am definitely looking into the possibility of therapy, as I posted to another in this thread, I have an employee assistance program that can help you find a counselor... I'm covered and so is anyone in my household and staying in network gives you some free sessions... can't beat that...

Thank you again...

Julie

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