Just Venting I guess...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Just Venting I guess...
3
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:19pm

I have been divorced since 10/04 and am the PCP to my 5 yo DS.

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:39pm

Did you remind him of the frequent and recent changes in the schedule you have accomodated? You don't want to let resentment build when in fact he *would* otherwise help you out but this one time you need help he really can't do anything about his schedule. Maybe his willingness is there, but he hasn't had the opportunity to show you that because you don't ask often and the one time you did, he really did have clients coming in. If you expected him to say "Sure, I'll help you since you helped me" and he didn't, then you have to tell him that (just to be fair, rather than assuming his thoughts and feelings). Say, this is what I expected to hear, and I am wondering why you can't return the favor since I've helped you out many times? Then listen to what he says and judge for yourself if he's being truthful. Maybe he'll be able to express that he really would help you if he could, and maybe he'll sound sincere enough to make you feel better about it.

If he really is taking advantange, then next time he asks you to switch things around, just tell him there is a sacrifice involved in your work schedule and you are not willing to continue and make accomodations for him if he cannot ever return the favor (remind him it's not easy for you to change things around either, and your motivation to do so has waned since he can't help you out when you need it). Tell him you are happy to help out if the street is going to work both ways. Don't say it in anger, do it matter-of-factly and say that you know there will be times when you both have a conflict but there doesn't seem to be much give-and-take, only take. Then listen to what he says and see if there is a solution or a compromise in there somewhere. If that doesn't work, tell him to figure out some kind of sacrifice he can make for you and then you will help him out (maybe he can do all the transportion back and forth for a few weeks or something like that).

My ex and I do switch for each other and there are times when the other person cannot accomodate the request. When I ask my ex to help me out, I don't assume he can, and when he asks I don't always bend over backwards to help. For example, if he has a conflict on a Wednesday night I always say no, since that is the night I go to therapy and I need that. Whoever has dd that week is the one that has to find a babysitter, so if he has a conflict on Wednesday on his week with dd, then he arranges her teacher to watch her that evening. A few weeks ago he was going to be at a meeting on a Wednesday until after 10pm, so he arranged dd's teacher to watch her and I picked her up after therapy (I did give up my gym class, but I didn't mind missing that for dd's sake). It's not that I won't be flexible, but I won't do it at any cost. It's the same for him. Maybe that is the message you need to send, that there is a cost to your being flexible and you want to know he appreciates that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 6:42pm

Hey Lexi... good to see ya.


I, too, feel like I compromise way more than he does... of course, he asks me to compromise more than I ask him.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 9:51pm

Thank you firstamendment & Karen for your replies!


I think I was upset because.....I need a break!

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown