Just when do you take the ring off?...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Just when do you take the ring off?...
15
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:55am

I left the house for church with our son on February 27th, and haven't returned. I have no intention on returning, and haven't since walking out the door that morning. It's been an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship (I've been posting on the Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse board on and off for years... the more recent details have been posted there).

I have filed the divorce papers (if he didn't get them over the weekend, he should be getting them in the next day or so), he's received the summons for the court date for custody, and the lawyer is filing the papers for support today.

So... when do you take off the wedding ring?... After the divorce is final... or after you separated? I've been divorced emotionally for a long time now.

Thanks,
Phoenix

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:05am

Hi Pheonix! There is no time line on when you should remove your wedding rings...I think it is a personal choice. I myself took mine off the very same day that my STBX and I split. I couldn't wait to get rid of them...I have since replaced them with another ring that my 2nd husband gave me for our 5th anniversary. (yes this was my 3rd marriage). I have decided that 3 strikes and I'm out. I don't think I will ever marry again as I can't trust anyone at this point in my life.

Good Luck to you and God Bless!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:09am
I took mine off a few weeks after we agreed to divorce, before we officially separated, long before the divorce was final. I just didn't feel like wearing them anymore so I didn't. My ex was soooooo mad that I took them off without telling him, it had taken him a few days to notice. Then he took his off and threw it as hard as he could across the room. I think it was one more thing that forced him to face reality, but in hindsight, I could have given him a heads up since we were still living together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:53pm

I took mine off as soon as I decided the marriage was over. I'm planning on giving DD my wedding band when she turns 18, it is very special because a dear friend of mine made them for us. DH says he doesn't know where his is >:^( but I'd like for him to give it to DS when he's 18 as well. I'm not sure what to do with my 10yr anniversary band. I'd like to sell it, but I don't know if I'll be able to get enough to make it worth it.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 2:29pm
So I gather there's really no set "appropriate" time... but that it's really a personal choice, depending on where you are emotionally. Okay... I dan deal with that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:33pm

I stopped wearing mine when I was ready to tell people about the divorce. Only a few people really noticed though. Most did not. It disappeared for a while. I asked my STBX if he had seen it. He said no. A few days later it showed up in about the same spot I had left it. I think he had taken it and given it back. He has this thing with thinking everything is his, the house, the ring, etc.

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 7:56am
I took mine off about a week after STBX moved out after I had told him I was filing for divorce. When he noticed, he got very quiet. He said that he realized I'd really given up on us. He told me that he would wear his for the rest of his life that he guessed he was more committed to the marriage than I ever was. He asked me for the rings and I wouldn't give them to him. He said he wanted DD to have them when she got older. I was in a really angry phase and asked him why anyone would want rings from a broken marriage. I know it really hurt him. I felt like a heel after I said it. I know this is horrible, but I won't let him have the rings because if he fights me for the kids I can't afford the lawyer bills. I want to be able to have something to sell to get the money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:25am
Yep!.... It's all about what you feel comfortable with.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 11:37am

phoenix! wow - that is wonderful that you left him! what is actually stopping you from taking the rings off?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 12:50pm

DEFINITELY when you feel comfortable.


My ex, even though he left me for another "girl" wore his everytime he saw me. Until one day he called me and said, I lost it. I said WHAT did you lose? He said he lost it while showering. I believed him because he took it off to shower from the day we got married until the day he left.... I was heartbroken. I was still wearing mine. Mostly because I was pregnant and had a 4 year old. We didn't get married until DS was 4 ( yes a few months before he left we got married and planned our second baby ) so I thought well, this time I will be married and I won't get the looks everytime I go out... ( people look for the rings when you are prego ) Well..... after my daughter was born and A LOT happened... including him and "her" telling me they loved each other..... I decided enough was enough. I wasn't married anymore... he had been gone for 5 months. he wasn't coming back. I then stopped wearing them, although for my daughters first doctors appt at 1 week old I put them on to go, even though I was alone. They asked who the baby lived with, I still said My husband, me and our son. lol..... Then I put them away and didn't wear them again. I sold them about 10 months after. Mine was a little over a half carat marquis solitaire with a band with 1/4 carat diamonds in it. I didn't get much, but I needed them out of the house.


I filed for divorce shortly after. You have to WANT and ACCEPT the separation before you stop wearing them. Then you can do it without a second thought. It's one of the many steps to healing.


I thought about keeping them for my son. He wondered where they went after I stopped wearing them, even at 4 years old, he knew. I still have marks / indents on that finger though..... I had the engagement ring for 5 years, shortly after DS was born he purposed.


I hope I have helped a little ;)


Hugs,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 1:11pm

Thanks SK! Actually, last night before I went to bed I put my wedding band on my left hand (I meant to say... my right hand)... and this morning I took it off and put it with my engagement ring, which I haven't worn in over a year. So far, I don't miss it today.

I think I needed to know it was okay to take it off... and yesterday it was really hitting me that this is the end of a 14 year relationship (almost 12 years of marriage). It was wierd, but when I went online to check the joint account, I saw that he had taken $1000 out a week ago, and stopped his direct deposit into the account... I kind of felt a pain in my chest... a bit of lonliness... a bit of sadness... and felt that this is really the end.

Last night he called and told me that it wasn't too late to "do the right thing"... and all I kept thinking was... "yes, I AM doing the right thing". He said a bunch of other stuff too... putting down my family, and reiterating that he has photo-copies of my diaries that talk about my affair 8 or so years ago... and something about his being Catholic... which he brings up constantly. And... he thinks I want to go back to someone who this type of thing?... oh yeah... and he wanted to know what the $1000 check was for that I wrote out of my own bank account... that arrived in the mail the other day, and he opened it.

Well... enough rambling.




Edited 3/15/2005 2:13 pm ET ET by phoenix_motus

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