just wondering
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just wondering
| Sun, 12-02-2007 - 8:22pm |
Hi i am new here i am separated from my dh for the 2nd time my choice lots of issues. The 2nd time i asked him to come back he was very sick just went through major surgery and i thought i was asking him to come back out of love but i think it was more out of pity which is sad. I said to him which makes me think is i said

At this point I have been in REAL counseling for a year. I, too, am a caregiver, and the one thing I have to ask you is.......are you taking care of you? I have learned, if nothing else, that I have been so consumed by what his needs are that I have pushed myself right out of the way. If he is not what YOU want any longer then it is time to move on. Life goes by sooooo fast, and I don't know about you but, I want to feel real and whole and happy again before it is to late. No one is going to take care of you BUT YOU!!!!! It may be hard but if you don't love him any longer there is no other choice. You must care for you first.........and all else will fall into place. I hope this helps you. I am still struggling with my own issues at this point and feel a little lost in my direction, but if I can be of any help to you, please feel free to e-mail me at pita0926@hotmail.com.
Wow!
Why do we allow ourselfs to feel guilty for the things that we not only need but specially the things we want!
I think that most women tend to be "Care Givers", specially after having children. When we feel like we have to take care of everybody & everything in our lives we forget about ourselfs & if we decide to do something about it, you feel guilty and you self-esteem goes way down. We start to think that we should just be happy with what we have & not be selfish by wanting more. To add to our guilt we even get the opions of others who ask "Does he beat you? NO! Does he work? YES! Is he an alcoholic or drug user? NO! SO WHY CAN"T YOU BE HAPPY!" These are some of the things that I've had to hear from people that think I'm making a mistake.
After 22yrs. of marrige I decided I wanted a seperation & I really do not want to get back together. I've been seperated for 2months & nothing has changed in the way my H is. It is lonely at times & the guilty feelings kreep up. The way I try to deal with it is by reminding myself why I did what I did, he is not walking around all depressed & if he is it's ussually just around me to make me feel guilty.
I feel that when we make this decision for ourselfs & not because a third party being involved on either side, our H is a good person but we are just not happy. We have grown apart to the point that we just can't go back. We make ourselfs feel worse because of the guilt of not being "HAPPY" with what we have. I know it's been a short amount of time that I've been seperated but I have felt everything you mention. Still trying to do things for him, say the right thing so I don't hurt his feelings, etc. When I start feeling that way I remind myself how unhappy I was. How I was turning into a person I never was & I need to bring back the Happy Full Of Life Person I know I am & that I need to think of my 2 Kids so they don't grow up thinking that their mother was always depressed & never wanted to do anything. But sometimes all I have to do is call or be around him for 5min & THAT ALONE will definetly remind me why! LOL!
So hang in there. Keep thinking positive no matter what, because you know our thoughts are what make our lives. What we put out(as far as our thoughts) is what we get back. So if we think negative, we get negative. So keep your thoughts positive & in no time you will see things start to fall into place, the guilt goes away & what is`suppose to happen will without ever having any second thoughts.
Good Luck to You! Hope everything turns out great!
Lola.