Karma is catching up to STBX!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Karma is catching up to STBX!
5
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 8:28am

Well, last night I heard DD on the phone with STBX.

After he dropped the bomb on us about the OW moving home, I had a sit down talk with the kids about the whole moral thing. My kids are 12 and 17 and they are not stupid. I didn't have to give details but I have taught them from day one the whole respecting each other, marriage values, etc. So, they knew about this OW anyway, she had been a family friend....They didn't ask for details but knew the root of our problems had stemmed from her. They knew he wasn't home, they knew he was always on his cell phone and they knew Mom and Dad weren't happy at home.

So I heard DD telling him pieces of our "moral" talk and apparently he was getting upset because she started to get upset. I let them finish and went out to ask her if she was okay. She said Dad got mad at her when she told him you're not supposed to do those "things" when you're married and she didn't want to see him if the OW was there.

Of course, this phone conversation between the two of them upset me and I called him. He couldn't even talk to me because he mad. He said I've been telling them all this b.s. and not taking any blame for the demise of our marriage.

He proceeded to call me a variety of awful names (which is nothing out of the ordinary) and I hung up on him.

The last thing I said to him was, "our children are old enough and not stupid, they are developing their own respect or lack thereof for you and that is not my fault". I told him his selfishness is catching up to him and that is not my fault either.

I just had to share. I get upset to see my DD upset. I truly in my heart believe I did the right thing by having the "high road, moral" talk with them.

I don't know what he expects from them. He is getting what he has given. 18 years of living his own life, in the bars and having fun. I was always there for the kids and now they know.

Thanks for listening!
Hugs,
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:36am
Wow. What exactly did you say to your children about their father's behavior? I ask this because I've also struggled with what to say to my own kids about the issues between their father and myself. When they were younger, I elected for the "we just got married when we were too young." They continue to ask questions, and now they are 13 and 14. I've done a good job of promoting their relationship with him, and I don't want to do anything to harm that. There was no affair involved until after we had separated, but he was deeply involved in an illegal gambling ring, and there were problems with drinking. I think he has outgrown this, and to my knowledge it isn't an issue anymore.
What did you say to your kids?

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:43am

Well, I basically sat them down and told them that when you marry someone, you are supposed to remain faithful and hold on through thick and thin. That's my old fashioned value, I truly believed that. And if you are that unhappy, you need to get out of the relationship before you stray. No one deserves to be cheated on or betrayed, especially by someone they have married and to me, cheating is a cop out.

The kids didn't get the gory details about the pictures and porn videos, which wasn't necessary, it was about being faithful and trustworthy and being a good person.

I don't know if this is the "right" approach, but it worked with them. They respect me for being honest which my STBX is not doing. I found they are "better" about talking to me about how they are feeling. I think it has a lot to do with being truthful with them.

Good luck, and hugs!
Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:15pm

I told my daughter too. She is 15. I did it by accident when I was really upset that I found out her father was seeing another woman. I'm not sure it was the right thing to do but it is done and out there now.

I still don't know if the other woman was a physical affair or an emotional one but still sneaking around with another woman is a problem. He told my daughter that she was just a friend but when mommy leaves the house he would date her. Since then, my daughter has stopped speaking to him. She won't talk to me about it much but I encouraged her to talk to someone about what's going on and that I'm there for her and we'll be OK together no matter what happens.

I think at this age they are old enough that they should be told the truth (filtered of course).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:17pm
Ya gotta love some Karma!
I can't wait til it catches up to my stbx. I do the same as you with my 5-1/2 yr old ds. He does't get the whole gist of what happened but knows his dad lives with ow in another state and his mom and dad are still married. Its hard, but I try to be as truthful as I can, without giving too much information, and tell him we both love him even if we don't love each other any more.
Thanks for sharing your story, glad someone is getting some good Karma, can't wait for mine.
:-)
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:30pm

You will get to see your dose of him getting his Karma! A year ago, I would have never thought what is happening now as you know how crazy everything is.

Just hold on, somedays it's second by second, but we do survive. As are children do as well.

Hugs,
Jennifer