to keep future divorce a secret or not

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2006
to keep future divorce a secret or not
5
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 4:01pm
My sister's husband has made it clear and definite that he wants a divorce. He does not want to tell anyone except me and her best friend until summer when their two daughters come home from college. She is in a lot of pain, and I think this pretense of a marriage is more pain for her. He tends to control, and she is going along with his time table of when to tell and to whom. I feel like it is an unhealthy secret. I am not sure if timing of telling grown children is the most important thing or the pain of the mother. Any advice for me to help her with this would be great. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 8:32pm

no, it's not okay at all. she needs to seek counselling. really. she needs to be shown how controlling this is -- a therapist will help a lot. that's how you can help. get her a referral to someone respected.

she's depressed and this is one of the toughest times in her life and she really can't rely on herself to think clearly right now. (mine is the voice of experience.) luckily she has you to help her. good luck.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 9:49pm

While ~he~ may want to keep it a secret until it is a better time for the truth to come out for ~him~ I would have to ask what she feels... after all, this is her life, marriage and divorce too...

While I don't know if it is really healthy to keep it a secret, as the truth will eventually come out... I would encourage your sister to seek counseling and perhaps some medical attention. The whole process of divorce, including the horrible state of limbo in which your sister currently resides, is terribly difficult. She could see her doctor, who is bound by patient confidentialty, and discuss some of the symptoms she is having and see if there are some medications or counselors that may be able to help her get through this process...

In the meantime, secret or not... be there for your sister... she needs you now more than ever as her ideas of her future are shattered and she is trying to find her inner compass once again...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:47am
i can only concur with the wise advice you already got. other than being controlling, did your BIL give a REASON?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:24pm
You should encourage your sister to do what feels right to her. Tell her that, since he asked for the divorce, he has given up the right to control her decisions. Tell her that she doesn't have to do things his way if she doesn't want to and that you will support her no matter what and help her in anyway she needs. Don't tell her what you think she should do, unless she asks. Most people say don't ever tell anyone what to do about something like this, but I asked my sister and she told me the truth and I'm grateful for that. We all need people who are willing to help us face reality.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 4:26pm
Thanks to you and the others who responded. I did talk with my sister today and she assured me that waiting to tell the children and therefore everyone else so that it doesn't leak to them is really her decision not his.I think it just evolved into not telling others so that children would not find out by accident. She feels like protecting them until the summer while they are still in school is the best choice for them and their studies. She also indicated that she did not want to travel to the schools to tell them and it would be ackward to call them home. Again thanks for all the advice as so much of the thoughts are pertinent anyway.