Keeping things civil?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Keeping things civil?
2
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:06pm
How do you keep the peace between you and STBX when you have to talk to him?
My STBX has had the kids the past 3 weekends in a row, and last sunday he told me he couldn't take them this coming weekend. Well, I found out I have to work saturday and called him yesterday to ask if he could possibly watch them all day....and all hell broke loose!
HE has plans saturday night, HE has had the kids for THREE weekends in a row! (gasp, that must be so difficult).
I also told him he needs to start helping me support the kids, I havn't seen a dime from him in the 6 weeks we've been seperated. That didn't go well.
He says I *magically* managed to get a job after *sitting on my fat ass* for 4 years. (yeah, a 2 day a week job is really getting the kids the things they need!)
And somehow he managed to go off on some tangent about how I abuse our 4 year old and have neglected that same child since our baby was born?? wtf?? And told me if I didn't WANT the kids to sign him over full custody and then "they'll be out of your hair"???
Omg, I wish I never called him! How dare he say I abuse my children, or that I don't want them because I (never should of told him) but I told him I was having a hard time doing this on my own, and we need to work better arrangments out.
So after *I* cooled off, I texted him and appologized for yelling and said I just want to stop argueing and keep things peaceful for the kids sake. Of course he didn't say he's sorry, but oh well, he's the one that's going to miss out on so much of his childrens lives.
So how do you keep the peace? Or do you? I think from now on I just need to keep my mouth shut!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:19pm

I'm not sure keeping your mouth shut is the answer. I've done that for months and it didn't help.

From my experience, the best way to keep things civil is to be civil yourself. I would so love to rant and rail like STBX does. Blaming, threatening, carrying on would be such a release! But it's not productive. I take a calm, analytical approach to conversations with him and while it's not easy, it can help.

As for accusations and threats, it's amazing what people can come up with when they're angry. I've been accused of being neglectful and unfit as well. I think it's par for the course. Divorce makes people irrational, just don't buy into it if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 6:25am
I'm all for keeping your mouth shut and letting your lawyer handle it. But then again my husband is abusive and I had to get the state involved to get my child support. I only contact him by email, so he can't hurt my feelings and I have documentation about his mentality.