kept it in too long and need to vent
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| Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:08am |
Reading the message about letting go of what your ex thinks really sparked something for me and it hit me that I have kept all this in since my ex walked out. My ex has remarried his mistress and it is almost like she doesn't exist. I have never met her yet she cares for my child every other weekend and has been in our life since my daughters birth (actually since I was 6 months pregnant) My ex doesn't mention her and she doesn't come around me but she doesn't mind bad mouthing me occassionally to my daughter and making my 5 year old scrub her kitchen floor on her hands and knees with bleach (no gloves!). It is astonishing that I have not met this woman and yet I don't really want to either. It would make this whole dreadful sitaution real. I almost thought our marriage stood a chance until she told him she was pregnant and then he left me and our two year old. No one understands how I feel. My cousins (who I used to consider sisters) and most of our friends stayed away like the affair and divorce were contagious. It is so lonely and I have so many questions but no answers and no way to get them either. What made this other woman more important than me and our daughter (his firstborn child)? SHe is older than him and now they have the life that he promised me, big expensive house, two children,nice neighborhood, etc while I am stuck living with my parents (where he returned me after taking all our savings and spending it on their previous house) with my child trying to save up for a house on a single mom's budget. It's beginning to feel like a pipe dream.
Dating? forget it. How do you met people when you are shy and all of your friends are married? My ex was also emotionally and verbally abusive, at least after he met her. I guess I am not over the whole thing but I don't want him back, I just want my life back if that makes any sense at all. I feel tremendous guilt for my child because she misses so much by going to his house. School friends have birthday parteis and he won't take her, same with school events. It is so unfair to her.
Friends have said I need to be myself and just move forward. well, i don't remember who I was anymore. I'm the divorced mom who lives with her parents. I hear the whispers and see the fake smiles and forced invitations to parties with the comment "it'll be couples and you" added so that I won't go and then they just stop asking but don't stop talking about all the clubs they go to and such. I wonder if people really hear themselves but I digress.
Why is my ex so angry at me? I didn't have the affair. I didn't file for divorce. He did. He even tried to take my daughter from me because I had the nerve to hire an attorney to protect my interests. The minute I stopped asking for attorney's fees, he dropped the custody battle but everytime I disagree with him, he threatens me with taking her from me because he knows that is my weakness. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be a good example for my daughter.
Anyways, I just want to thank you for the opportunity to vent. Maybe I can sleep tonight now.

i hope you are feeling better.... its sad, and its difficult but you will get thru this.
you need to sit down and work thru things, on your own or with a therapist. deal with the things that you have to deal with , and move past those things that you have no control over.
your ex's wife? t'would be nice if the adults would act like adults, and she wouldn't badmouth you to your dd, but you can't control that. what you CAN control is any abuse --- for example, i would think that forcing a five YO to scrub the floor with bleach and no glves borders on child abuse. there is nothing wrong with giving a child chores but this is not right. is there ANY way that you and she might sit down and talk? perhaps with a third party (not your ex)?
its too bad that you feel that your friends abanded you. i know that that happens. i also know that good friends helped me so much. come here as often as you need.
i know that its hard - but you really need to shift your focus from HIM to YOU. you can't control him, or his actions, or his wife. ALL you can control is you. you feel that your life lost direction ---- but you know something? your direction comes from within YOU, not from something external. let me tell you something: i walked out on my ex (second husband) with nothing - no money, no car, no house. my ex was abusive and controlling, he controlled all the money, everything. i had no access to anything but my miserable paycheck, and even that ---- every time i thought i could start saving up a little bit of money, it was like he SMELLED it, and would tell me that we need something X or Y and *I* would have to pay for it because he had no money, or it was something for my son (not his son) but he wouldn't pay for it because he woud make some stupid claim about my son not respecting him or something. anyway, i just literally walked out when he was away on a so-called biz trip - we packed up and moved out. and yes, there are times that i wish i was married - not to him, just want to be 'married'. but i have made my life for ME. sometimes DS and I do things on our own, sometims we invite people over, and sometimes we get invited. "this" is "our" family. and its fine. we make up our own traditions. i went back to school, i got a promotion at work, and I am doing fine.
dating? not right now. i would like to - but i am still working on fixing ME, and I am getting there. you will too. for now - focus on healing.