kids acting out after visitation w/dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
kids acting out after visitation w/dad
6
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 6:14pm
stbxh and I split up recently (2 months) and my boys only see him about 2 weekends a month. The boys (ages 5 and 8) have a great time with dad but, their behavior is the pits when they get back (testing limits, bad temper, netativity). Their dad has introduced them to his adultery partner (the boys really like her) and he is living with her. The boys and I live in my sisters basement (we sold our house last sept. long story) but, are moving into a house I have purchased at the end of the month. I say this because, it is important to know there is alot of upheval in the kids lives lately. What can I do...it is frustrating!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:46am

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. My children (3 & 4) have a difficult time with the transition as well. They tend to be extra ornery when they get home.

There is no correct answer, but IMO my job is to remain consistent, accept their feelings, and try to talk things through with them. For me it's very important to let them know that how they feel is significant and important to me, but that they absolutely must express themselves in an appropriate way- and breaking things, acting out, or other poor behaviours won't be tolerated. It's really hard to not just blow my top some days, but I temper my own frustrations by trying to really put myself in their tiny shoes and express as much empathy for their situation as possible, rather than falling into the trap of being the restrictive, demanding parent.

Good luck with your kids. Try to remember that it won't be this hard forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:37am
That transition is tough for kids. Sometimes it gets worse, sometimes it's better. I always gave my kids a head's up when I picked them up that they had one hour until xxx. Then they had an hour to get it out of their system. I would be more gentle with discipline during that hour. I also told them (they were a little older) that this is what was happening and why. I told them that I knew it wasn't easy to make that transition and would give them the benefit of the doubt. I think that the younger the child is, the longer it takes to make the transition. Transition time is also about the time when both parents will hear things like, "I want to live with my (other parent)," "I hate you," and "My (other parent) doesn't make me do that!" I think that all you can do is to be prepared for this to be a difficult time in the day and adjust yourself accordingly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 5:53am
Sounds like they're having trouble with the transition. Perhaps you could try implementing a transition ritual to help them. Something you do as soon as they get back in order to help them switch gears.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 10:45am

I actually just experienced this for the first time this past weekend. STBX and I are still both living in our matrimonial home - we move in the middle of May. Our daughters (5&3) know that Mommy will have a house and daddy will have a house. I have been with the girls pretty much every day with the odd occasional evening out with friends. This weekend STBX took the girls for Easter dinner to his parents home - this is the first time I have not attended with them. He dropped them back off at home afterwards and then left to attend to some business. The girls were very sassy and defiant when they came home. I ended up having to give them both time-outs. I had some individual time with them each afterwards to reinforce how much their father and I both love them, but that their behaviour was not acceptable. I know it is sooo hard on them and I too am concerned about not coming down too heavy on them. I know their little hearts are broken. I wish I had some advice for you. I think I will talk to my counsellor about this and see if she might recommend a counsellor for them, just to help ease the transition.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:37pm

Hi Amy,

When the children switch residences, they need "decompression" time. Just like adults need to decompress after a horrible day at work. And considering the magnitude of change (and therefore the lack of stability), this is what kids do.

Its likely that the kids act out when they get to their father's house.

This is something that can be managed, presuming both parents can work together.

For example, if they are returning to your home on Sunday evenings, its going to be at least two hours until the craziness is worked out. So if you are expecting them to go to sleep at 8, then (working backwards) they'll need an hour with you to get ready for bed, and another 2 to 3 hours hours to decompress. So they need to be back with you around 4pm to get to bed at 8pm! Otherwise, the situaiton is super-stressed. And they'll go to bed late, and won't sleep well. Then they start school on monday tired and upset, and then that week is blown. And it keeps spiralling down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:51pm
Thank you everyone for your wise, comforting, comsierating words!