Kids caught in the middle
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Kids caught in the middle
| Tue, 07-05-2005 - 10:54am |
I have not posted here for a long time but here goes. STBX finally moved out last October but still calls all of the shots where the kids are concerned. I come from a very angry and verbally abusive marriage with some physical contact as wellnot to mention alcohol abuse. 2 daughters 16 & 13 who live with me and go to their dad's every other weekend and sometime's once during the week when it is convenient for him. STBX will not talk to me about anything including the kids, he's still so angry b/c of the separation and puts all of the blame on me. As a result the responsibility of me finding out when the girls are going falls to them and he is using them to aget at me . I don't even know when they are coming home after visits. They all, including the girls expect me to be home waiting for them. Now the girls are feeling resentful "It's not our fault, we don't know when we'll be home" and are learning to play the game. On several occasions my 16 year old has lied to her father about where she is going and with whom and is getting away with it, ie drinking, staying out all night etc. He has not paid any child support and now wants spousal support b/c of wage differences less than $10000. He also tells them all of the legal issues in a biased sort of way. Now the girls think they can just walk all over me because a) he cries the blues 'poor me' Your mother took everything leaving out that I paid for it ie house,b) now he's crying b/c he just found out that he has to pay back support and lays that guilt on them as well c)they get away with anything there and leave me to do the disciplining when they get home. I'm tired of always being the heavy but someone needs to. How do I stop trying to make everything smoother for them without building any more resentment? I know this message is all over the place but so many issues I need advice with and not sure where to start. Any suggestions?

Hugs to you, frustrated. If things aren't finalized yet, it it possible you can stipulate visitation, i.e. he gets them EOW with specific drop off and pick up times and can also take them x day from x time to x time? Or if you don't want to/can't be that specific, maybe you could at least stipulate that he needs to give you so many hours notice when he'll be taking them and what time they'll be returned. If that's not possible, maybe you could get the more agreeable of your girls to call you on a cell phone when they know when they'll be coming home.
As for your girls' attitude, have you considered counselling for them and for you? It might help to have someone to talk things through with, and a counsellor might be able to help you find a way to counteract your ex's attempts to undermine you. I'd basically tell them that you love them and really miss them when they're gone, but it's important for you to be able to have a life of your own outside of sitting & waiting for them to come home. It's unfair for them or your ex to expect you should be doing that. And at 16 and 13, if they do come home before you do, can't they manage for a little while on their own? For the issues between you and your ex, if he brings it up to the girls, I'd tell them that it's between you and your ex and the legal system. Tell them that the courts are there to try to make things work out as fairly as possible, and that if the courts decide things should be a certain way that adults have to live up to those responsibilities. They should not feel guilty because the court is expecting him to be a responsible parent.
I hope things get better for you soon!
-sang
I think he's putting your dd's in a position of growing up fast. They are being given more information and bearing more personal responsibility when they are with their dad, so I say try to respond to that aspect. They are growing up faster than you planned, so treat them that way. Give them more responsibility. The benefit if this works is that they might feel more in control over what is going on (vs pulled between two parents) and you might feel less controlled (by your ex).
You can't stop him from telling them about court issues, but you can explain what it really means and the law really works. You can say that child support is to pay for food and shelter when they live with you, and that it's money you use to provide for them and that the law makes it work this way. That's not bad mouthing him, it's just giving them more information so they can understand it better. Let them figure out on their own that their dad doesn't want to provide for them, show them the dots just don't draw the line for them.
You can't stop him being more permissive, but you can explain to them that there are not just parental consequences for not following the rules, life has it's own consequences. Explain to the older child the legal consequences of drinking under age, the risks of doing that, the affect staying out late or not studying will have on her ability to get into college and her future earning potential. Kids don't think long term, but ask her if she wants to end up living in a small apartment or a nice house? What does she want in life, and it's up to her to do what it takes to get it. You can't make her be responsible, you can only teach and encourage so focus on that.
You can't stop him from letting them come home 'whenever' but you can teach them how to fend for themselves if you are there, you can tell them you will be home by 7pm and if they need you sooner give them a way to reach you, or leave them a note or something. You can show them that you have a life and you won't be trampled on by their inability to plan ahead.
I totally agree with sang about counseling. I was a teen in need of couseling once, and I refused to go. This could happen to you too. My mom would set up the appointments and I just wouldn't show up, I couldn't, I wasn't ready I guess and I was afraid. But if your girls are asking questions about their father and his behavior, it might be good to tell them that you know going through all this is hard, and because of the nature of divorce it would be better for them to talk to an unbiased third party about questions, confusion, anger, trust issues, etc., and then set up the appointment and see if they go.
Regarding spousal support, I had to pay that too. In my state, whichever person makes more can be made to pay spousal support during separation because if you're still married it's all joint income. My atty had me get my ex to agree to 6 months only, the amount of time the divorce was supposed to take. Otherwise he could have not signed and dragged it out to get spousal support for up to two years after the date of separation. I was lucky he agreed. If this happens to you, I hope it's only for a little while and isn't too much. My ex had no rights to get alimony after the divorce though, because he hadn't given up his career for the sake of the marriage or children or anything like that. The fact he earned less money than me was just because he picked a lower paying career, 100% his choice.
I agree with previous posts. Also, consider Alateen. An alcoholic can lay some pretty nasty guilt trips on a teen, and turn them into perfect little co-dependent help mates. I believe you can access Alateen info on the Web.
If your 16 y.o. is relatively level-headed, she may be old enough to handle an honest peek at the big picture. I am sure that if you showed her your income and the living expenses, she would see very clearly that there will be no lovely free-ride to college for her (or even a nice prom-dress) if her father did not contribute. Is that true for you? If so, consider telling her more of the truth. She does need to be shown more and more of the adult realities, as she will be one before you get a chance to blink. And while she is contemplating her own imminent launch into self-reliance, she should be coming to the realization that her father can and should be taking care of himself, not expecting his Ex-wife and DD's to do it. Good luck.
I think this is wonderful advice!
Strength & luck to you. YOU just keep being the good parent you are, the loving consistent, even tough when needed, parent you are & the kids will be better for it. It may take a few years & some bumps in the road, but they WILL grow up to thank you for it. Hang in there, R~