The kids do not listen to me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
The kids do not listen to me
7
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 11:22pm
My husband and I have recently separated (approximately 2 months ago) and the kids do not listen to me. I constantly have to ask them to do everything over and over again. The two older boys are always arguing and fighting and most of the time the fights get physical. I feel like all I do is yell, scream and cry. My little one just turned 2 and he is a hand full now. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle this.
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 8:01am

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm sorry you're having the tough time that you are. This was a battle that I faced (and continue to face at times with my almost 5 year old). I don't know how old your older two are, but you need to make sure that all involved know that you're in charge... what forms of discipline have you tried. I've found that yelling is often unsuccessful as you can appear out of control to the children, giving them the power in the relationship. Try to remain calm. Remove toys, TV time, earlier bed times, make them eat their least favorite veggie for dinner and that's all they get... try different tactics and don't give up. Its hard being the strong one, but your kids ~need~ you to be the strong one, even though it sounds like you're in a power struggle with them right now...

Good Luck!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 8:08am

hang in there. it sounds like you could use some help,but you are definately strong enuf to parent your children. we all go thru periods like this, and you have your hands full with three kids

kids 'act up' for a lot of different reasons: usually out of anger or fear. sometimes they are imitating grown-up behavior. sometimes when their world falls apart, they need some kind of feeling of 'control'. and sometimes the parents are busy trying to deal with *their* emotions and logistics that we have no patience/time/energy left to deal with the little ones.

i guess it would help if we knew what kind of situation you are dealing with:
how old are your kids?
is their father involved in their lives on a steady basis?
what was the period prior to the divorce like (fighting, tension, yelling)?
what changes took place - other than the actual divorce: did you move? did their dad move? did they have to change schools?
do you see a CHANGE in your children's behavior, or is this the way they were before, only now it's affcting you?
and so on

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 8:36pm

Set the rules and boundaries now...they are testing you! You can do this--it is difficult, but definitely doable. Don't give them extras because you're trying to make up for dad not being there (that's what I tended to do)....

You need to establish to them that you are the boss. You can't let them get the upper hand on you, or they'll walk all over you. I have 2 sons and we have fun and are "friends", but they know I'm their mom first. They generally listen to me but the DID and still do-try to push the boundaries to see how far they can go.

The kids are in a difficult time right now too...they need to see that you are OK and you and them are going to be OK. Keep your routines, your discipline, and everything as much as the same as before. This is important to the kids.

Dont let them know you're frustrated or that you dont think you can do this....You have to realize you are stronger than you think you are!!!

Hugs and good luck!

Deb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 2:02pm
I'm trying to maintain control of the house. It was never like this when my husband was there. The older two, who are 12 and 13, would fight sometimes but now its daily. I have to repeatedly tell them to pick up after themselves, take their bath, etc. etc. My therapist told me when they start to fight I should just take the little one and go for a drive or tell them to take it outside. Don't let them see me get upset or yell. Last physical fight they had I quietly told them to go to their rooms and that I didn't want to hear it and it was better. My 12 year old threw a fit but I told him to go to his room and throw his fit in there. They are definitely testing their limits. One of my concerns is that my 2 year old is watching all of this and will learn this behavior. He has gotten into trouble at daycare for pushing or hitting kids already. I don't want to lose control of my house and will have to reiterate the ground rules yet again. Things are going to have to change if we are going to make it and I know we can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 8:36am

hi and hugs.

your two oldest are teens. they are at the stage that i believe is the worst. they are just starting their teens, alot is going on in their bodies, and minds, social issues, school issues, hormonal upheavals ---- its not easy. i think that it kind of evens out at around age 15-16. (sometimes later, for some kids). so SOME of what is going on, is just 'normal' teen stuff.

of course, alot of what is going on is their own anger and fear - they are probably scared, things have changed in their lives, and its scary, maybe they are angry at you, maybe at their father, or both of you. your therapist had a good point in telling you to leave the situatin when it gets violent - but, i think that that is not enuf. your older kids do need to know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable, and its really counter-productive. i don't think that you can continue to pick up and leave the home every time they fight for the next 3-4 years. hopefully you will get them to calm down. another bit of advice i can give you is to try (TRY!!) and focus on their good behavior when it does come around, and try and move the focus from their annoying behavior to fun family stuff. IOW- say something to them like "you've realy been cooperative this week, did all your chores, so i am going to rent a video and we will have pizza for supper", also, try (TRY!!) to do some fun stuff OUTDOORS with your kids, its good for all of them to channel some of their energy into a positive outlet.

as for your 2 YO - it sounds more like he is afraid and angry and less like he is copying his siblings. <<>> talk to the day care people, tell them what is going on at home, and see if they have any pointers for you. it may be helpful for you to speak to a children's psychologist about him.

a GREAT book that has really helped me: Wimpy Parents: From Toddler to Teen-How Not to Raise a Brat, by Kenneth N. Condrell (Author), Linda Lee Small http://www.amazon.com/Wimpy-Parents-Toddler-Teen-How-Raise/dp/0446673676/sr=8-1/qid=1160483697/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-8039418-5769742?ie=UTF8

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:31pm

Hon, I can completely relate. (I am a newbie here - been lurking for a couple weeks)My stbx and I separated almost a month ago, and the kids have gone crazy! I have four: 10yr old dd, 8yr old ds, 6yr old ds, 4yr old dd. My boys have always fought (they are only 22 months apart, I think that is part of it), but it has been worse lately. And they are all trying to push the limits. Bathtime and bedtime seem to be the worst.....they want to watch "just one more TV show", or they just stall and argue and take their time until mom is ready to check herself in at the funny farm! I am also a college student, so I have to do my homework at night.....and it is darn near impossible with the kids bouncing out of bed every two or three minutes! I am currently trying to work on the staying calm and putting my foot down thing. At first, I felt guilty doing that because I felt that they had/have so much going on in their lives, but then I realized that if I don't provide them with some kind of structure right now, they're probably only going to feel more out of control. It is so true - if you are yelling and losing your temper, they see you as out of control, they feel even more insecure, and they push you even more. Our kids need to see us as their anchor or rock right now, we have to be strong. I have found that even if I feel completely out of control inside, if I maintain that aire of being calm and collected with them, they respond better to what I ask or tell them to do. It is much easier said than done, I know! Hang in there, darlin' - we can do it! *hugs*

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 11:11pm

Hugs to you too! I could not imagine adding another child into the mix and attend college. You must be a remarkable women and don't let anyone tell you different. I'm a firm believer that what doesn't break us makes us. The challenges and struggles that I have gone through in the past made me who I am today and gave me the courage to do what I'm doing. We all DESERVE to be happy.

It's so hard to be stern but I know that its for the best. I'm trying to be the rock as much as I can and have been doing a pretty good job at it lately. I think that my lack of sleep played a big part on how I was reacting to the kids behavior. The stress over where are we going to live and if I can afford this was playing a toll on me but I think I'm dealing with it a little better. My middle child has always been emotional and when I get too stern with him you can see the tears in his eyes. He is the one I think this divorce is effecting the most. My youngest is too little to understand but it definetly is effecting him but I'm doing my best to keep him entertained so to speak. My oldest I believe is happier. He never had a great relationship with my husband and admitted he knew there were problems in our marriage. I believe that once we get past this hurdle we will be a happier family. Stay strong and if you ever need to chat, don't hesitate to send me an email or post.

Monique