Kids issue, what do you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Kids issue, what do you do?
9
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:34pm
In the last couple of weeks my 4 year old has thrown the "If you won't let me do x I'm going to go live with Daddy". I usually don't address it directly, tinking that doing so will show him that it has an impact when he says this. Tonight he was taking his brother by the hand to run away and live with daddy because I took away his V-smile as punishment for bad behaviour. Tonight it really got under my skin (in conjunction with the other behavioural issues I've been having with him today) and I had to go to my room and have a cry. I think it's time to address this directly, but I'm not sure what stance to take. Anyone with experience have advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:04pm
my eight-yr-old has done that a few times - and it reminds me of tantrums my current husband throws as well - you are right to ignore it...thing is, if your not good at it, they can tell & will use it again - i'm not sure what i did, but my son doesn't use it anymore...i think b/c when he gets in trouble & sometimes i feel it is too much to handle, i will tell him if he keeps it up, he'll go live w/his dad...thing is, you can't really care - and as hard as it is for us as mothers, when our children (or anyone else) holds our heart string, they are going to yank it to get what they want out of us...you simply can't care - as hard as that it...when he says it, then say...well go...you want me to pack your bags?? depending on his dad's situation, you could lose your son in a living arrangement sense...but more than likely, that wouldn't be the case - either way, you gotta stand up for you & if your son can't obide by your rules (and it will only get worse as they get older) then what is your option really?? it's simply part of the divorce consequence...and we have to realize that there is always a possibility that our child/ren could go live w/another parent...and we gotta be okay w/that (even as mothers) if the day comes...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 7:18am
my 15 yr old ds pulls this on me.
what
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 6:32pm

The thought has crossed my mind to say "Ok, if that's what you want, I'll call your dad". But with things as tenuous as they are (my STBX would LOVE to sue me for full custody and i'm really paranoid about what info he is always gathering to use against me) I am just afraid to say that.

I tried to explain to him that saying things to hurt someone isn't right no matter how angry you are, but I don't see him "getting it". I guess this is a bigger lesson than just a division of homes... it's about teaching a 4 year old that being mean is not ok no matter how angry you are.

Bah. I still don't know. Sometimes I feel like I'm parenting all wrong.

Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:05pm

This probably seems real harsh especially for a 4 yr old, but it was what my mom did with me at about 6 when I kept threatening to run away(she had just had my little sister).

Sit the child down and calmly say I'm sorry you feel this way because the last thing I want is for you to leave our family, But if this is how you feel we need to call your father and tell him you are coming right know and he needs to back a bag while you let him know whats going on(in my case she said she was going to make me PB&J's while I backed my bag so I'd have something to eat while I looked for a new home).

If and that's a BIG IF he calls your bluff, call your EX and tell him about the situation, but also leave it that this is until he gets aload of how day to day life is over there not disneyland dad time. He will probably try everything in his power to convince him he shouldn't do this but I don't know the history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2006
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 11:31pm
One of my kids has said something similar to that- I think it is his way of testing me to make sure he has stability with me..............I try to handle it by not getting sucked into the drama of it, but making sure he knows that I love him and will never leave like hid dad did. Every kid is different...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 4:14am
Well, *I* would say "Thats not an option. You live here, & you live at Daddys sometimes."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 4:17am

Youre doing fine!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 11:31am

Thanks for all the responses.

I think the firm but gentle method is starting to work. He tends to spout off and say hurtful things whenever he's angry. It ranges from "I'll go in my room and never come out" to "I don't love you anymore" in a typical scenario. He hasn't said the "i'm going to live with daddy" again yet.

Every time he starts tossing his frustration around in nasty words I just get eye to eye with him and tell him that it's not okay to be hurtful no matter how angry he is about having to pick his sandwich crusts up off the floor (rolleyes). He's just a tad intense. I think we'll work it out in time.

Your suggestions and support are, as always, very much appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 1:13pm

that's tough to hear, but remember he isn't doing it to hurt you, he is doing it to see if you will give in! (maybe it works at dad's house!).

At age 4 that may be his only way to verbalize his frustration with what is going on. I agree about not giving in to the drama because once he knows he is getting to you, it will continue.

When my kids do that I just say things like "Your really mad at me right now", because that is how he is feeling. When my kids figured out that it wouldn't work, they stopped.

Big Hugs and don't take it personal!!




Edited 1/23/2007 1:19 pm ET by ipleadthe5th
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