kids meeting gf

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
kids meeting gf
18
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 3:04pm
I really don't know how to deal with this..my stbx and I have been separated for 8 mos..he has been dating a woman 10 yrs younger for 6 mos..a definite ouch factor.
Yesterday I got a note from him when he dropped off the kids that he asked the kids if they wanted to meet his gf..they told him only if mommy doesnt get upset. :(
Since he & I dont really talk (he "shares" with me..wants me to be happy for him) I "gave permission" to the kids..told them if they wanted to that would be ok.
I think I'm mainly upset because he has moved on..(after 12 yrs together he told me he didnt love me anymore..& hadnt for a long time...totally out of the blue)
but what I keep coming back to is that they will be the "happy little family" going out together and doing "fun"things..(in the last 6 mos he has taken 3 different vacations with his gf)..I work constantly, shift work and the kids are constantly complaining that they dont see me very much..
I don't feel like the "fun" parent..I'm always sad, I'm trying but I just can't put the smile back on my face.
This may sound stupid but I'm afraid she will be "more fun" than me and in someways take my place...it doesnt help that my 6yr old daughter has been talking about if daddy gets married again will I have 2 mommies?..that I can't bear..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 5:03pm

You are definitely not alone in this at all. I felt the same way and at times still do. It hurts alot when they have moved on so fast and you havent. It will be almost 2 years for me and Im still having trouble dealing with the fact that he moved on. But im in better shape then i was originally. Im just learning how to LOVE MYSELF. I depended on him to make me happy and that was wrong. I gave him so much of my power and didnt even know it. So im finding myself again.

It will get better. I pray alot, it gets me through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 5:48pm

I'm still trying to do that...my self-esteem is at an all-time low..
He is still trying to push my buttons ..but I'm trying not to let him

thanks for your insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:06pm

My therapist said that guys tend to move on quickly. But if they don't resolve what they coudln't in their previous relationship every relationship after that one will never be quite right.

Sure my is haivng a blast right now too. I work 2 jobs and it is just me and my DD at least you have someone else there for your kids. I give my dd structure and stability and yes A HOME.

I look at my ex as "You piece of *&^%. You may have thrown me away but this little girl is a part of ME and YOU and you threw her away too."

It takes time and we will move on.

I just read Jennifer Aniston's interview in Vanity Fair (from last month) and down toward the end she hit the nail right on the head. Talking about divorce and moving on. Yes I know don't we all wish we had it as bad as Jennifer Aniston LOL! But her words (or whoever told her to say them) were very positive.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:23pm

"No, Honey, you only ever have one mommy... and one daddy.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:57pm

Yes I too feel that he has "thrown" the kids away as well...he sees them 4 days a month & every Wednesday for 2hrs..but I still encourage him to see them..
I guess I just have to realize..I "won" in this situation..

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 10:08pm

Actually I said something quite similar to that..I made sure that I said "only one daddy"..I have a bad habit of sticking up for him all the time with the kids..just because he is acting like a *I*)^% where they are concerned doesnt mean they should be hurt because of it.
I know you're right about the "fun" thing...but it just feels soo awful right now..he was always the "fun" parent & I was the serious one...we balanced each other out..now that it is just me I'm still trying to find the balance.
Actually tonight the kids were getting ready to go to their dad's tommorrow and they all got really upset about going...then I had to go on & on about how great it was going to be to meet his gf...blech!...I still think they are worried about it bothering me..I guess I'm not hiding it as well as I thought..

thanks it's just nice to talk to someone who has been there :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:45am

I think you are raising three different issues here:


first - there is the issue of 'moving on'. i think that it just takes longer for some people.

Avatar for mom2maggie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 1:27pm
Lots of hugs to you. I am dreading the thought of experiencing this day myself, but at least I'll now admit that it is likely to come. The other posts are right in that you will always be your DD's mother. Other adults will have important roles in your children's lives (and would have even if you were married to their father), but they will never replace you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 4:28pm
mom_nettiejane...
Me too. He seems to push all the buttons to make me feel like I am the one that 'cause the problems. The bad part is I have let him. I have been weak and let him do this to me. I am taking a stand now and refuse to be that way anymore. I will not let him push me a around I will not let him affect me anymore with his words or actions. Its not an easy thing for me to do but I have to do it for me and at least I recongnize that. I still have alot of work to do on it but you must take strenght in knowing you are doing the RIGHT thing. You will be the rock that will support those kids when they are grown. You will be the one they fondly remember because you taught them life's lessons. You taught them how adults should act and how they should be responsible. Know this, keep it in your heart and be proud of this and it will help you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 8:44pm

I don't mind that he has a GF as long as he realizes that his GF is not a replacement mother by any stretch of the imagination. She can say what she wants about me to him, but she had better keep her opinions to herself about me in front of my kids.

Sometimes my youngest makes comments about how the GF is nicer because she doesn't have to ask before getting into her refrigerator or can have all the popsicles she wants. That's fine by me if the GF wants to do that, but she's creating a monster by letting DD do that because later on if her and the ex move in together she's going to regret letting DD do that because she's not going to be able to keep food in the house!!! I'm really suprised that she would allow that, she is a mother herself, but oh well.

I just try to do the best I can by keeping up a good home for them, cooking for them and simply "being there" and being the one that they come to for what they need.

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