kids meeting gf

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
kids meeting gf
18
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 3:04pm
I really don't know how to deal with this..my stbx and I have been separated for 8 mos..he has been dating a woman 10 yrs younger for 6 mos..a definite ouch factor.
Yesterday I got a note from him when he dropped off the kids that he asked the kids if they wanted to meet his gf..they told him only if mommy doesnt get upset. :(
Since he & I dont really talk (he "shares" with me..wants me to be happy for him) I "gave permission" to the kids..told them if they wanted to that would be ok.
I think I'm mainly upset because he has moved on..(after 12 yrs together he told me he didnt love me anymore..& hadnt for a long time...totally out of the blue)
but what I keep coming back to is that they will be the "happy little family" going out together and doing "fun"things..(in the last 6 mos he has taken 3 different vacations with his gf)..I work constantly, shift work and the kids are constantly complaining that they dont see me very much..
I don't feel like the "fun" parent..I'm always sad, I'm trying but I just can't put the smile back on my face.
This may sound stupid but I'm afraid she will be "more fun" than me and in someways take my place...it doesnt help that my 6yr old daughter has been talking about if daddy gets married again will I have 2 mommies?..that I can't bear..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 10:05pm
Just know that no one will ever take your place and you are your children's only mommy. I feel for you but know that I will be dealing with the same thing soon and have the same concerns as you. I have a 5 1/2 yr old daughter and see picture my husband with someone much younger than me and I know I will be sick when he takes our DD around his fling. I dread that day. My husband and I were married 13 yrs. together 18 and just recently seperated Sept. 11th because he was having multiple flings and wanted a divorve b/c he said we had nothing in common, the passion was gone and he loved me but not in love. I was and am devestated. I filed for divorce because that is what he wanted and now he says he loves me and can't imagine life without me. I honestly think he is afraid of losing $$$ because he is very successful and it would be cheaper to keep me.
Just always remember that NO ONE can EVER REPLACE you. Your children love and adore you and there is no other love like a Mother's love.
Hugs,
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 10:35pm

thanks lisa..for someone so recently separated..you sound really together...

good luck to you I'll be thinking of you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 11:05pm

Oh Sweetie, I am so so sorry for your pain. Life is not fair.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 11:11pm
I'm so happy I signed on here..despite the crying when reading the messages..it is really helping ..
thank you for your thoughts
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Fri, 10-28-2005 - 11:18pm

i'm just echoing what others have said -- you may not be the 'fun' parent, but i bet you're the one they depend on. that said, it's still hard, but you're doing the right thing. that the kids are concerned enough for your welfare to say they only want to meet the gf if it's ok shows that you're doing a great job raising respectful, loving kids. gf's will come and go (and even if they become stepmoms), but you'll always be a great mom.

hang in there.

kristin

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 12:17pm
I really don't know that I am so together. I think I am so NUMB because I still can't believe this is my life now. I haven't gotten as angry as I need too but I am sure that will come soon. My atty says when we get to the divorce, he is going to be someone I don't know at all. I am sure it will get nasty and I will finally get angry. I go over and over all that he told me and think to myself, how could he have gotten away with this for so long when for so long things seemed great. It was just a few months ago that he started going out without calling and not answering his phone and I got tired of that and told him that if he didn't love me or want to be with me that he should go because I didn't want to live in a loveless marriage with someone who didn't feel the same towards me. There were little signs along the way, but he ALWAYS reassured me that he would NEVER cheat and that he loved me and divorce wasn't an option, ever. Then he started drinking a new drink, shaving his chest and listening to new music. I knew things were different and something was amiss in our relationship. I couldn't deny it anymore when he didn't even call me to tell me he was going out after work. He had always called before to let me know if he was going out and I could reach him on his cell. Now, he didn't call and cell phone went automatically to voice mail. I told him his DD would wait up for him to come home and that didn't mean anything to him. Now that we are seperated, he wants to come over all the time and spend time with her. It makes me sick b/c before he couldn't have cared less. Now he says he misses us and belongs with us after he is the one who made the choice to leave and told me there was no hope that if I ever thought he professed true love for me that I was mistaken b/c he would have never done all the horrible things he did to us and our marriage. I have been so busy and that is why I think I have been able to be strong, however when things slow down, I know i will have a difficult time and also, I know he will move on much faster than I will and that concerns me when it comes to our dd b/c I know he will introduce her to his fling and I have the same concerns as you. He spends a lot of $$$ on her that I won't be able to but I know that she will know how much I love her and that I am the one who helps with her homework, ask about school, takes care of her when she is sick and is always there to hug and comfort her when she is down. One day she will understand that I gave her love that $$ can't buy. Unfortunately, her dad will always show his love with money, and one day she'll see and understand that too.
Well, I know we will get through this difficult time and one day our lives will be happy again. I just can't see a future yet and have to go day by day for now, but I believe it will happen again for you too. It is nice to have someone else to talk with who is going thru a similar situation. It makes going on easier. Thanks for listening and know that I will think of you too.
Lisa
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 1:00am
I went through the same thing when ex and I seperated. He was/is seeing someone who is 11 years younger than him and was before he and I broke up. Whenever my ex would take the kids for the weekend or whatever, she was always with. I felt "left out". Shut out, and felt like I had been replaced. The hardest was when the four of them traveled to visit his parents, just like he and I and the kids used to. I felt like they were one big happy family and that I was nothing special. I can and will tell you that even though those feelings are totally normal, they probably won't last. Or at least they didn't in my case. You will find a way to move on too, and I guarantee your kids would rather have you for their mother than anyone else. You CANNOT be replaced in their lives, and you WON'T be. I have often thought about how I would react if she and my ex were to marry. I would be hurt, I would be sad, I would be jealous...for awhile. Then I would pick myself up and say silently to her..."honey, better you than me..good luck!"
You will be okay. Just concentrate on taking care of yourself, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially. Surround yourself with supportive people. People you can lean on, not people who will drain YOU!. Heal your heart. Hugs and prayers!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 9:29am
Well, I always assured my kids that I would be busy doing icky "grown up" stuff while they were gone.... cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping... things to keep me busy.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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