Kids Need Dad, But He's Such a Scumbag!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Kids Need Dad, But He's Such a Scumbag!
2
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 12:32am

Any ideas on how I can reconcile my natural revulsion toward the truly heartles, immoral and despicable things STBX has done to the children and me in leaving us for the woman on the commuter bus?

I'm painfully aware from personal experience as a child of divorce and as a reasonable person that all kids need their dad, whether he be a saint or a sinner. However, I'm having a really hard time overcoming my urge to hurl whenever I see this guy getting away with unbelievably selfish and immoral acts that only serve to undermine any decency the kids might hopefully have expected to grow up with.

What am I supposed to say when they excitedly come home showing off the 99 cent coloring book he bought them after he refuses to provide one red cent more than the child support amount required by law to keep from going to jail? ( The "extra" money of which is going to a higher rent in a nicer place downtown so he can be closer to his girlfriend...we, meanwhile, are going to lose our family home and are having a hard time finding where to go.)

How can I keep a straight face when they talk about how cool "she" is when she strips down to her underwear in front of them to go skinny dipping in a public pool because she "didn't have a bathing suit?" (He's still MARRIED, for heaven's sake, he has no RIGHT to be pursuing ANY kind of relationship with ANYone, much less ramming her down their throats!!)

What is the proper etiquette for telling the kids that we'll just have to hunker down in the face of a category 4 hurricane because we don't have reliable transportation to get out of town to potential safety, when they know that Dad just bought HIMself a new car? Or what do I say when, once the hurricane threat had passed, Dad's power came back on Saturday night and he didn't call to pick them up until Monday morning so the kids could escape the 100+ degree heat?

Do I have to just grin and bear it? Will the kids somehow see through this clown's bull****? What more do I have to endure, just because there's no "law" against immorality or heinous selfishness? Aughhhhhhhh!!! What have y'all done? This is like a really bad, poorly produced Lifetime movie...the ONLY thing he hasn't done (yet) is cause any of us physical harm through violence. But, that's it. Beyond that, ewwww. Oh, and he hasn't sold drugs in front of them. OK, I'll give him that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 1:38am

You don't know how often I've thought the same thing. Although I am not yet divorced, but hopefully soon will be,(after we divide all our millions, lol). Actually the only millions are our beautiful, precious kids. Those are the only millions I want.

Anyway, to get back to you, you are so right. The family courts (so I've heard), don't relate to the subtleties of the things that are REALLY harmful to our kids, although when done consistently and habitually, they are ANYTHING but subtle. Such as men (or women) who consistently lie, break promises, don't protect children from immorality or inappropriateness, (like the b**** who decided to strip down to her underwear near your children). Excuse me, did I say b****, sorry I let my anger get the best of me.

I am now going to DV counseling, and there is not one time when the counselour does not curse the courts that fail to protect both mother and child. I hope and pray that a few things will happen in the future:

1)In any divorce or child custody case, both parties will have to undergo psychological testing, and records of their past history.

2) Kids will be allowed to talk to counselours which can help assess the situation.

3) Things that are inappropriate will be taken into account. And the person who is allowing the inappropriate behavior will be given some warnings and then a definite consequence if things don't follow through. And this includes inappropriate language, taking kids to places not agreed to beforehand, subjecting them to people who do not have the best conduct near your kids, and so on and so forth. These subtleties which are not actual subtleties should not be ignored.

All of these things can be under control if there is an initial go-between will be there to discuss any issues that come up and then can determine what needs to be done, until things can settle properly, and people get into a regular routine. I don't think people should be subjected to someone elses' disrespect, just because the court has ordered that there will be joint custody. But many spouses use the picking up or dropping off of children as time to vent or behave cruelly towards the X. In other words it should be a given that unless the party strictly adheres to the very specific guidelines, there will be a consequence and that a few consequences will bring further consequences.

I know that some of these things do take place but there is no explanation as to why there are cases when both parents get joint custody when clearly one parent is just not fit to take the kids without supervision.

Anyway, again, I totally agree with you. In my case, I can only pray that STBX will be the proper person I originally thought he was. I send hugs your way and best of wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 2:09am

Yes, lol, I do believe you did indeed say b****!

But, I forgive you, because I greatly appreciate the outrage you show toward the courts' indifference to kids' moral well-being (as if I were a saint who walked the earth myself...).

I love your list of ideas on how to make the very painful process of divorce a little easiesr on the kids (remember them, guys?).

Surely, talking to a counselor would probably be helpful to all of us. The 15-year-old is currently going to a therapist. Then I will take the 11-year-old, then myself, and I'll work in the 4-year-old as best I can, therapy-wise. The 80-year-old will just have to work it out on her own for now, as will the dog.

In the meantime, tho, my bottom teeth are nearly worn down from grinding them as I try to stop myself from shrieking to my kids, "Do you know what this guy is DOING to you?" because I know that even if the guy was Hitler or Mussolini, the kids still need their dad. Any dad. Even this one. And, dang it, if he's still trying (albeit rather tepidly) to BE a dad of sorts, who am I to complain?

I guess I'm just not finding a neat list of coping tools, or ideas for something else to bite instead of my lip or tongue.

Also, I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place in trying to impart some decent morals to these kids when they see dad getting away with what he's getting away with. e.g. "Um, honey, just so you know, it's NOT ok to let your kids go hungry or without school supplies while you buy yourself a new car...but, I'm not necessarily talking about your dad, OK?" or "Dear, by the way, remember we DON'T kiss our new girlfriend in front of our children while we're still married to our wife...but, again, I'm not necessarily referring to anything your dad's doing, OK?" >sweet garden-party smile, tilted head<