Lainie & Stbx's Sweet Disposition...
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 10:22pm |
Lainey,
Hard to come up with many suggestions -- I agree with some of the previous posts. I cannot or have not been able to achieve any kind of reasonable communication with stbx either. So I have as close to no-contact as is possible aside from specific conversations very rarely about the childrens visitation. Normally even that is initiated by him in an email or phone call and then he cuts me off.
He has my number on his cell phone 'blocked' anytime the children are not in his care. If they are with him he turns his cell phone only when in route to and from work and after work from 4:30ish to 8 pm; then he turns it off. I am not 'allowed' to call his parents home phone number where he lives and where the children stay on his parenting week. If I do it is disconnected; his father told me I am not good enough to use their phone line since I 'persist in not showing my love for my children and won't sign the custody papers so they can have a moral and well-provided-for life.' *Shudder...its a family thing, I now know.
Tonight about twenty minutes before his pick up the two older girls wanted to go talk with their friend who lives four apartments down from us; then my other friend came by who has a little boy who is playmates with my kindergartener. They were going to go have a treat of ice cream sandwiches and had come to invite my little one. I figured it would be okay since they are two apartments down from me.
I literally have been late only two times in the year long divorce process to pick them up from his place, and only one other time have I not had them totally ready and out the door when he honks his ridiculous horn half a block from my door. So tonight he obviously was parked out there waiting...at like three minutes past the hour he calls me...lets my phone ring three times and hangs up. I see its his number and as I am walking to get the girls I called his number back. He picks it up and just uses the foulest language, going on about how I am 'lucky he didn't come bang on my 'damn' piece of s-it door and to get "his" kids out to him NOW...." --click.
Nice language from Mr. Holier-than-Thou who is trying hard to redefine the group known as the "Christian Right." Most people - neighbors, other kids' parents, casual acquaintances would NEVER think that he cusses. Heh, this guy can cuss in a really vile way without even using what are considered 'curse words' anyhow, but he uses those freely too when there is no one around he wants to impress.
I remained fairly calm, got the girls and had them pick up their backpacks and gave them sweet hugs and sent them down the sidewalk to him, and went and got my younger son, giving him time to hug his little friend goodbye. All together including the time it took our youngest to walk down the sidewalk, they were like 9 minutes late after the exact top of the hour when he is supposed to pick them up. I cannot in any way comprehend what exactly this sort of thing gives him, what is the pay off?
Is it wearisome? Yes. But I really don't care either anymore...I am numb to him now; really the only thing about it that upsets me is I of course would find some satisfaction to be able to gripe right back at him, lol, but can't cause he hangs up! I know that wouldn't help anything anyhow. So I give him the bird as I wave to him and I watch the truck drive away.
I am sure he is busy grilling the children as to where they were, why they were 'late', asking if I was not right with them or if they were in danger yada yada yada. I hate it that he does that to the kids, but I finally realize I cannot protect them from that when they are on his parenting time, and it will eventually be a part of their overall picture of their father. Even though they are young and he can sway them a lot with his influence, some of his nastiness, dishonesty and his trying to do anything he can to 'take' them from me is getting through to them I think.
I know that his little ploys are 1) his last ways of trying to control me through the children which he will always have the ability to do unfortunately, so I must learn to deal with MY reaction to him rationally, and 2) unless or until he gets some professional counseling or help, this is a way he gets his satisfaction...for him, control is as much of an addiction as is porn. For some its drugs, alcohol, for him he really really feels like his world is coming apart when he is out of control and he will go to a lot of trouble to feed that dog. The surface stuff may seem to be about 'revenge', his 'righteous anger' as he calls it, or that I have done some negligent or horribly immoral thing like, eek...letting the kids watch one cartoon in a weeks period that has anime art in it...he says that is my pushing paganism on them btw. But what his little displays really are about are him being desperate to control and 'manage' this divorce in ways he perceives that he is controlling.
I don't mean to make too little of your frustration or anger hon; I know how very hard it can be and frustrating. I spent many, many nights crying or being so upset in the early part of my divorce process. I came to know that wasn't 'doing' anything to stop his next tirade, nor to change the situation...it was stressing myself out though.
Now, aside from spending some time feeling worried and sorry about the kids having to be grilled all the time by him and his parents and all their parental alienation crud...after I allow for a little bit of that; well, I get out the chocolate syrup and ice cream, or I head to the jacuzzi or I research some activity I want to try and take the kids to next week when they come back to my arms and my home, where they won't be grilled about anything to do with him; because I want them to enjoy their time with him, but I could care less to hear anything at all about him if I can help it. He is toxic.
Hugs Lainie...cut the conversations, walk away, learn to show a 'poker face' -- at least that prevents him from getting his jollies at your reaction, heh -- even when it does upset you, deal with it once he is gone. Unless it is something that is directly affecting the children, their visitation, school, medical etc you don't have to talk to him, remember that. Peace, Annah
| Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:01pm |
