late teen kids - don't want father in

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
late teen kids - don't want father in
7
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 3:54pm

Hi there,
I was wondering if any of you have older kids, my dd is 20yo and ds is 17yo. The divorce was final a couple of months ago and we (kids and I) moved out a week later. Neither of the kids want anything to do with their father.

I know they know that he was abusive to us and a poor excuse for a father but I can't seem to make them understand that as their father they still need to show him some respect and at least return phone calls and emails he makes to them. Both kids think that they can pretty much ignore him except when they need him to make repairs on their cars or some other kind of favor.

I have tried to "stand up" for him and convince them that they should try to keep some kind of contact with him. I guess mostly cause I feel like he is going to blame me for them not wanting to spend time w/him. We (him & I) have had conversations about the kids lack of contact and I told him that he needs to give them time and that he needs now more than ever to give them unconditional love. This is a term he never would accept when we were married. He is very traditional and expects the kids to show respect and do for him before he will accept and do for them. He is pretty much this way with everyone really.

So my question to you all is do I still try to "keep the peace" by being the go between or do I let them work it out for themselves. Actually I know the answer - but I just am afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid he will do something really petty like quit paying the child support or the medical insurance for myself and dd while she is in school, he has already threatened with this. What a prize!

But - I love my new house and my new freedom and I can honestly say I don't regret getting the divorce after all those years of such unbelievable saddness and hopelessness he used to make me feel.

thanx,
e

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 5:59pm

Yes, you do already know the answer. My kids are older now, ages 24 to 16. They have little to do with their dad with the exception of my 16yo. The only reason he does is because I moved and he wanted to stay closer to his siblings. He hadn't seen his dad for more than once every 6 weeks or so for over 3 years prior to that.


I always tried to make sure that the kids knew that Dad was an important part of their lives, even though he was and is abusive. (The abuse now "only" comes in the form of verbal, emotional and neglect. Where he lives, no one will do anything about those issues.) Some of the things that I did was to remind them when his birthday and Father's Day were coming and ask what they were planning on. I would never call him anything except his first name or "Dad", never "your dad" as that becomes a negative in their minds. I never said negative things about him unless the kids asked me direct questions. Even then I would say, "Do you really want the answer?" They would sometimes say no, but mostly they did. Then I would soft-pedal it.


I did not act as a go-between. I did not force them to do anything that they didn't want to. My home needed to be a safe place, a haven, not the war zone that they grew up with. He was not allowed any further than the driveway without a specific invitation. If I had invited him, which I had occasion to do with his wife, I would let the kids know ahead of time. They then had the choice of being with us or not, unless they happened to be the child that was being confronted. (long story)


There is a place in the middle. You will find it. Just keep working at it. Don't force it.


((((((((hugs))))))))))


Steph

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 7:14pm
since my dd is only 5, i can only tell you from MY teen experience. My Dad was an alcohilic who was never there for us & cheated on my mom repeatedly, then took her for all she had in the divorce. He finally left when i was 13. he then got sober & wealthy, leaving us with nothing. My mom had a hard time NOT saying bad things about him (hence my never bad mouthing me STBX to my dd, b/c i just dont think its right) & by the time i was 16, i voluntarily lost touch w/ my Dad. Finally, when i went away to college - AND he had been sober a couple of years, we began a relationship again. I had to make a decision "He wasnt the perfect Dad, but he was my ONLY Dad, & i either had to take him as he was, or not HAVE a Dad at all". But i always, till recently, felt that i had to have my gaurd up "in case" he got screwy again. Now, i am 37 years old, & we are very very close. My mom passed away at age 60 last year, & he made ammends with her on her deathbed & promised her we kids would always be taken care of by him. I will always be eternally grateful to him for that, as she didnt want to leave us worrying. & she lived many many years with anger & bitterness to him (for good reason) & i know her heart was free from that bitterness to him, when she passed away. he is a wondeful Grampa to my dd, has her with him this weekend as a matter of fact! So, i think your kids will come to terms with what & if, the kind of relathionship they have with him. I dont think you can force anything. Good luck. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 2:00am

your kids are old enuf to make their own choices - and it looks to me like things are pretty clear cut to them. my only advice to you is to stay out of it. don't try to be the go-between, cheerleader, etc. i imagine that this is something that you have been throughout the marriage. i think there is a point where *we* parents need to stop trying to fool our kids - your kids are saying essentially that they don't see the need to respect someone who is abusive.


my DS was 3 when his father and i divorced, he was around 5 when his dad stopped contact with him. i did try at first to be the go between, tried to even force the relationship because i felt it was important, etc. but nothing worked. right now - my son (18 YO) says that if his father wants a relationship with him - then its up to his father to do the work. OTOH - his father never supported him at all.


as for his legal/monetary obligations - if this is in writing and was accepted by the courts, then of course he CAN stop paying but then YOU can go after him. CS is not connected to children's respect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:59am

I know in NY, kids have to be 14 before they can decide where to live or if they want to go with the other parent. Have you checked your state laws?


I do think that they are old enough to make their own choices. I wish there was more i could say to make this better.......


Hugs to you and if you need us, please let us know.


Angelena



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 9:08am
Thanx to all that replied. I guess I knew the answer all along, but it feels better to have someone else validate it! This is something I have learned that is a response to abuse - is to second guess oneself. I'm working on that as well as trying not to say negative things about dear old dad to the kids. That one is the hardest!! LOL.
Thanx to everyone again,
HAPPY SUNDAY! Sleeping in and reading the entire paper without being made to feel guilty/or told how lazy I am!!! It truly is the little things in life that are precious!
e
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:19am
Yes! *I* havent been called a MORON in over 5 weeks now!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:17am
I think that dad has made his relationship with his kids.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~