Leave H, lose the friends?
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| Tue, 07-31-2007 - 1:03pm |
Hello - I'm new here, only first looked into this board yesterday. I've been aware that I was probably headed for a divorce since the beginning of the year, but haven't really been able to imagine doing it. My H loves me very much and doesn't want me to leave, and even though I still care for him there has just been too many things that haven't worked in this relationship ever and have now finally taken their complete toll on me. I just don't have the strength or desire to fight to make this M work anymore. I'm exhausted, I want out, and finally this weekend something happened that, I think, will finally cause me to be willing to take the first step and to seperate.
In many ways there are no obstacles to going, we don't have children, I have a good job and would be able to support myself. However there is one, I've accepted it as a consequence for a long time and am finally ready to face it. But I was wondering if anyone else has been in a similiar situation?
I built my life around my H, so much so that everything I do including the people I hang out with and some of my major life's work is tied to him. He is a dance school owner/instructor and we have worked together for many years. The other instructors and long-time students are our friends, and while I don't expect any of them to hold it against me if I leave, I know he's not going to welcome me around the school and without that there isn't a lot holding them to me. I've worked hard to get where I am there as well, and it will hurt to lose my position, so to speak, as well. None of these are reasons enough to stay anymore, I could eventually establish myself in a new school (or start one if I want) and make new friends, but it does mean that during the hardest time of all, when I first seperate that I will lose my entire support structure. I have no family here either, and maybe one friend who is outside my current network (I lost most of the others because early in our relationship I realized that if I wasn't 100% in my H's world that the relationship would never work). My family and close friends are very supportive of me but none of them live anywhere close to me.
Has anyone else had to go through seperation and/or divorce, totally alone without any friends or family nearby they could count on?

I think everyone here will tell you that when you separate or divorce, you really find out who your friends are. You may be surprised as I was. One woman in particular had been telling me for months that I should not walk away, but run. She was worried about my safety. In the year since I moved out, she has called me 2 times - both times to get a message to my H. She calls and checks on him every week. Other "friends" have turned to me that I was sure would not because of H and their relationship with him. You have no control over other people's actions or reactions. You are only responsible for you and your actions and reactions. Keep being true to yourself...the rest will fall into place. My family has been no help, except my grown son, who is very supportive and wants me to be happy. He knew I had not been happy for several years.
You might want to look at "CoDependent No More". Like you, my life revolved around H. I was so alone the first few weeks after moving out. Looking back, I'm glad I was cause I was such a wreck. Now I know who my real friends are, and they are priceless. Theres a good message board here at iVillage for codependents that is very helpful in recognizing our problem and recovering from it.
Best of luck to you. Hang in there. It is difficult, but it does get better as you regroup yourself and rebuild life the way YOU want it to be.
T.