leaving, cheating, staying?
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| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 12:00pm |
Hi, I am new here. I'm desperate to vent. I need anonymity because I'm so ashamed. I've been married since I was 21, engaged at 19, together with H since we were 17. Never really dated anyone else.
I settled for this marriage. H made me feel like I was fat and unattractive and I thought I couldn;t get another man. This is foolish thinking but I was young. I'm 28 now. Our 7 year anniversary is next month. I left him exactly a week ago. He is devistated.
Six months after our son was born I became very unhappy in pur marriage. Not depressed, unhappy. I told him. I told him I really needed for us to work on our marriage. He blew me off. I started thinking of cheating. I told him because I needed him to help do something. I hadn't done anything yet. He kept nagging and picking and refusing to work on our marriage. I then had a two month affair, but I still carry a torch for him. The affair partner ended it. He was married too.
I decided to get therapy. I begged H to go to marriage counseling. He didn't beleive in it. I begged him to get therapy by himself then. He did for a couple of sessions. I was REALLY working on getting this straight. He was not. Many, many things have happened that I can't go into because it's just time comsuming but he had just not given a rats a** for so long that I started to seek the attention of other men on-line. Just chatting and flirting. I had been considering leaving H since Feb. but just never had the strength.
I ended up meeting a man 3 weeks ago for sex. We didn't have sex, but it's the idea that I went through with it. So I decided that I don't give a rats a** about this marriage anymore. I don't care and I want to get on with my life. Well this just crushed my husband. I left on Tuesday and met a man for sex on Thursday. We followed through. Then he said we couldn't meet or talk anymore. Rejected again. I was also talking to a man on-line that I actually wanted to get to know. I didn't want sex AT all. I wanted to have a friend ship then see what happened after I went throuhg the divorce. We -e-mailed back and forth and really hit it off. We got together twice and really seemed to hit it off. This was Fri. and Sat. that we met. I told him I am seperated and have a child before we met. He seemed REALLY interested when we met. Now he hasn't responded to any of my means of communication, text, phone, e-mail. I've never done the dating thing but I was SO lonely in may marriage I was just seeking some companionship. Now I' am a crying wreck because my husband is begging me to come back, I feel like I've been rejected by another man and I can't concentrate on ANYTHING!!!!
I don't want to go back to my marriage for the wrong reasons. I love this man, but as a best friend not a husband. I don't want to be in my 30's and 40's wishing I would have done this sooner. I feel like I've missed out on so muh in life because my His such an introvert. He has no friends and doesn't talk to people. He won't go out, he won't make new friends. I am the exact opposite.
In closing, I am horribly ashamed of myself for being so promiscuous and for staying with a man that I knew loved me deeeply but I didn't feel the same. I called a lawyer yesterday. H is teling me he will completely change and be the right man that he should have been all these years. But do peop;e ever really change? And how much more of my life will I be wasting my staying for him to go back to his old self again 2-3 years down the road.
Thank you for reading this novel and posting on it if you have any words of wisdom.
J

"H made me feel like I was fat and unattractive and I thought I couldn;t get another man."
"I told him I really needed for us to work on our marriage. He blew me off."
"He kept nagging and picking and refusing to work on our marriage."
"I begged H to go to marriage counseling. He didn't beleive in it. I begged him to get therapy by himself then. He did for a couple of sessions. I was REALLY working on getting this straight. He was not."
Honey, this does not sound like a man who "deeply loved you." I don't mean to be harsh, but if making a person feel unattractive, nagging, picking and refusing to lift a finger to help the relationship is love, I wouldn't want any.
If you want out, go ahead and get out. People really can only handle so much unkindness. The affairs, though, are hurting you. Put them on hold while you make your decision and carry it out. Don't even let it look like you left your marriage for an affair. Friends are a much better remedy for loneliness. Wish you the best.
You post reads a lot like what I would have posted 2.5 years ago.
thank you for your posts. I guess it makes me feel a little better about the decision that I made . H is making it very difficult. He cries constantly and and tells me he is ready to go to counseling, church, anywhere or anything to make this right. He tells me I am his soul and he is at the end of his rope right now and can't go on. I asked him if he was suicidal. He said he hadn't considered this but I worry about it( HIS dad did it) and I feel like it's forcing me to make choices for the wrong reasons.
He begs me constanly to come home. I told him no but I told him he could take me on a date friday. I don't really want to go on the date though. I just hate seeing him in this agony. I want out so bad, no matter how much he swears he will change for the marriage. I think that people don't just change for good. Maye for a year, 2 years, but not for good. And he will never be the man that i ma looking for. He has hurt me too much over the years.I think he could make SOMEone very happy, just not me. I'm the ONLY relationship he has ever had. So he has literally invested everything in me.
Well, the question that I have is this: Since we are seperated, if I date is it an affair? that's jsut dating, not sex. Or does he need to be aware of it for it NOT to be an affair? I guess that's a matter of personal opinion.
Thank you for your posts. They really helped me see that I'm NOT being a horrible selfish person.(by the way, not in therapy now because we have no insurance for the first time in 11 years. Go figure)
J
People differ in their opinions on whether it is acceptable to date while separated.