Leaving me after 20 years

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Leaving me after 20 years
5
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 3:23pm

OK... I am very new to this, please be patient. My wife said this place is helping her get through this. So... here I am. Why did I choose the name MadMax2007 - no I don't have anger issues, It's a favorite movie which takes me back to happier times in my life.

My wife is leaving me after 20 years of marriage. She says, she isn't happy and wants to feel again. Also said, she tried to feel love for me but it wasn't happening for her. She says - she can't trust me with her heart. But why? What did I do?

In counciling, she said she believes something terrible happened when she was very young but it's locked away and she's unwilling to talk about it. she said, she doesn't trust me with her feelings. Is there a connection, I don't know...

She always seems afraid of being judged for her feeling. If I brought something to her attention, talked about MY feelings or simply asked for some affection. She would say things like, I'm not a bad person! - I'm not a bad mother! - Stop parenting me!
I'm sorry that I can't show you the affection that you need! -

I'm not saying I never said hurtful things to her - I simply think she can't forgive me for it.

I believe she wanted to give me her heart but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. (And I could see that) Throughout the marriage, several bad things created trust issues. Because of repeated behavior patterns, I remained concerned that things could go back to the way they were. I trusted my wife's love for me but she had a hard time expressing it. We made love maybe once a month - sometimes not for several months. This went on for the entire marriage with exception to the last year. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she had a sudden change in drive and behavior. (ok - wouldn't that make you a little curious) We made love like Rock Stars and yet, she still couldn't bring herself to feel love for me.

During the past year or so, she and I tried to bring that spark back. She would be happy, then distant, then happy, then sad. Like her, I was going through an emotional roller coaster. Man am I confused... She said she was committed to working it out, and then would flirt with our mutual male friends. (probably felt safer that way) It was causing discomfort in their lifes too. She would make passionate love to me, then cry. Then there was the "I don't care what they think" mode. I would say "Honey, it makes me feel like this when you do that...", "Honey, what do you think people are gonna say when they see you do that...", "Honey, blah blah blah...". She didn't respond like you would expect "Oh, I'm sorry..." or "Oh, I didn't think of it that way...". It was, "I don't care what people think". Was I not supposed to say anything and be OK with the behavior?

My biggest problem. I do not want to lose my wife of 20 years. She is a terrific woman with a little baggage. If she can just sort that out, she is going to be the best woman ever. The problem is that she believes leaving me is the cure. She's going to leave and I can't do a thing about it. She is not willing to let go of the past or forgive. She loves everything about me but is unwilling to trust me with her heart. Something so very precious to her. What's to fear? I'm not going to break what I've been desperate to have all these years.

There are trust issues...
She says I'm controlling and manipulative. She doesn't trust me or my sincerity. Paranoid - Thinks I'm trying to get our friends to dislike her. Worse, she thinks I'm trying to get the kids to dislike her. I often remind her that people are not going to like what she's doing and will make their own decisions. They question her sudden change in behavior. I'm not trying to damage her... I was doing the opposite hopeful this could work itself out. I am honest with my friends & our children. I truly wish this wasn't happening. Everyone is watching "the show" now. Noticing the changes in her behavior. A guy from one of these chat rooms sent my wife a text message "I'm thinking of you - Tom" - Well our daughter read it and was upset. The wife went into expaination mode. She was noticably uncomfortable and distracted, lashing out at our son and daughter - made some poor parenting and family decisions that day too. (oldest Son - 20, Son - 18 & daughter - 17) They are young adults with their own oppinions. I'm not shredding her credibility with friends / family. She's doing that herself - and blaming me.

I am in a bad place. I invested 20 years of my personal best in relationship that eventually died. I've known this woman for 20 years and she claims I don't know her at all. Oh, but I do... However, I have forgiven - been understanding - loving - trustworthy - caring - providing. I own my flaws and continously improve upon myself. I own my mistakes and try never to repeat them. I believed in "for good, bad, rich, poor, sickness & health"
Now... I am being asked to simply turn the switch OFF. It's over. Let her go... so she can find happiness. It's hurting all of us.

I have to let her go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 10:05pm

This is tough. I think I have read your wife's posts. We can't be marriage counselors here, though.

We can give support and share our own experiences.

I am just very sorry this is happening to all of you in your family.

I hope everyone, including your young adult children, heads pronto to individual counselors to help each of you sort things out for yourselves.

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Sat, 08-11-2007 - 11:49pm

Well I appreciate your comments - I'm surprised to hear that you may have read her posts. I guess the world (even the cyber world) is that small. I have come to the point where I respect her decision to leave but I truthfully can't wrap my mind around it. All my family and friends tell me to just let her go. They say, "You've tried so hard for so long and You deserve better and maybe she'll change her mind". I am sad about this but can't help wondering.

Is it OK to be OK with this or am I abondoning her. I giving up too easily?

I don't think this forum will fix my relationship. She is being true to her feelings and I respect her honesty. But what about me, nymava? The kids? If you love something, set it free... Should I simply stop caring? Stop trying to save it. It feels like I'm giving up.

I'm in need of advice from people who don't know me. I put it all out there. I'm struggling with my desire to make this a smooth transition for her and the children and my selfish desire to not let go. I know she's leaving, the wheels are turning and there's no stopping it. My selfish desire is to survive it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 7:25am
Madmax - I am so sorry for your pain. I just wanted to put in my 2 cents. I have said it before in this forum, that part of the difficulty of the separation is that the marriage is a huge part of your identity. Especially in a long term marriage, it is who you were, the husband, in my case the wife. I have been married 31 years, I am getting out for GOOD reasons, and trying to get my son out. While I accept and will do what I have to do, I am still struggling with the issue of who am I now? My son's mother, and he's not even with me because of his manipulating and controlling father. But I have trust in God that he will be once I get the issue to court and court order assessments. Good luck,my thoughts are with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2007
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:21am

Thank you much hockeymom...

I applaud those that realize a relationship is bad for them and need to leave. Especially in those cases where someone is living with a person who is abusing them, mentally, physically, or spiritually. I can honestly wrap my mind around it. We both agree that our children are the of the highest priority. Which is important. I know my W needs to do this... and I am learning how to be a good listener, fighting back the urge to stear the conversation towards fixing things. The thing I struggle with most is the fact that she is a good woman. I love her for the person she is, and the one she is becoming. She is growing and I wanted to grow with her. She and I have learned so much about the world, our feelings and ourselves. She has had an enourmous impact on my life. I don't think she sees that. (or chooses to)

I don't look forward to a single life because I'm troubled over the notion that no one else will compare. The idea of "something shiny" out there, better than her, is weighing on me. When you have a good person to share your life with, you want to hold on with everything you have. I want to see my counciler again but I'm fearful that he will enable false hope or worse, the notion that separation is OK. I'm stuck in limbo waiting for what comes next because I don't want to let go. It would be easy if I didn't truly love her so much.

She is resolved in her desire to move out. She whole believes this is something she needs right now. My heart is screaming "PLEASE DON"T LEAVE!!!" Truth is, my last act of love for her is to simply... let her go.

I was fearful of putting my feelings on the Internet and being so exposed. I realize that my point of view is from the other side. It leaves me wide open for what people will think and say. But, it's part of the process right? I need to survive separation too.

I listen with my heart - digest what I hear - apply what I've learned - and improve

Thank you again for your kind words. I truly appreciate it. I wish you and your family the best. I pray all goes well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:26am

Yep, what about you, what about the kids??!! Oh, I know how that feels. My stbx's decision left me very angry and with those same questions.

You really are a step ahead in the process if you can accept her decision and respect her reasons. You first post didn't give that impression, but wow, you really are doing well if you can let her go with peace.

And yes, people do do it with relative peace because they want it that way for their children and one or the other or both still care enough about each other. It can and does happen that way.

That doesn't mean we don't grieve, rage, struggle in our private moments.

My stbx and I are being as upbeat as we can for our young children (5 and 7) as we can because that is what is best for them. It comes at a huge price, but then so would anger and raging at each other cost us something of our souls.

It will take a long time to "get over" it. There are some good books: Uncoupling and Spiritual Divorce that might help, although spiritual divorce is written from a woman's perspective--I think it might still be helpful.

M