The legal battle begins

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
The legal battle begins
4
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:44pm
I moved out...yippee!!!! I'm loving it so far. I thought that first night alone would be hell, but I LOVED it! I sat on my brand new furniture and ate ice cream. Then I went to sleep in my brand new bed with my brand new down comforter. I woke up before the kids and read a book. Stbx, on the other hand, threatened to kill himself and had a 2 day long anxiety attack. He knows that I filed for divorce. We weren't going to have him served until next week, but he got advertisments in the mail from mediators referring to our case. Grrrrr. Now he's arguing child support. He's going to fight to keep the kids from 1:30 when he gets off work until 7:30 M-F, so that his parenting time will be considered half a day, by my state's laws. Plus he'll get them every other weekend. This will cut the childsupport down by $500 a month. I can't believe he's doing this. My kids' bedtime routine starts at 7:00. We have bathtime, then play and read stories. The baby gets her bottle and cuddles with me. Then it's bedtime around 7:45. So he's planning on giving them a bath (he will NOT read to them and I doubt he'll get down and play), then he'll bring them to my apartment to go to sleep. I will only see my kids for a few minutes in the morning when we are busy getting ready for daycare/work and a few minutes at night when I have to usher them right into bed. And then I'll only have them every other weekend. Stbx claims to have spoken to attorneys that say he is legally entitled to this situation and he will win in court, that there is no judge who would keep the children away from their father (it's not even about the kids - it's about money). He claims I'm just money grubbing and I'm not! I need my kids - I'm their mom and they are so young! Can he do this to me? His parents are very wealthy and have already promised they would pay whatever it takes. My retainer is dwindling fast and I don't have anymore money to give the lawyer. I don't qualify for legal aide because my income is too high (but paying daycare for 2 kids without child support barely leaves enough for rent and food). This is going to turn into a legal battle and the one with the most money is going to win. I can't believe I could lose my kids! Please help. I can't take this! What options do I have? I tried calling my attorney and she never returns my calls, which makes me even more worried about the person I've trusted with all this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 9:57pm

Just wanted to send you hugs. Hopefully someone else might be able to offer some helpful advice. I will say that just because your ex proposes something and says the court will accept it does not mean that it is true. He likely knows that money is tight for you now, and may feel like he can pull the wool over your eyes/bully you into agreeing to what he wants.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 11:00pm
I wouldn't put a lot of faith in a lawyer who doesn't return my calls either. Can you find another attorney? Your stbx won't be able to take your kids from you in my opinion. Just because his parents are rich doesn't mean he will win. It takes more than money to be a good parent. He doesn't sound like has has much else going for him, but be ready for anything. It makes me sick that once these attorneys get your money, they think that there job is over. They need to have your best interest at heart; not theirs. I would shop around for another attorney, just in case. I know nothing about family law, and I never married my ex (thank God), so I didn't have to worry about hiring a divorce attorney and all that jazz, but I wonder if there are pro bono divorce attorneys; like I said I know nothing about this. If he is trying to get the kids and reduce child support, chances are he will try to screw you out of marital assets and stick you with a lot of joint expenses. Make sure that you act as your own advocate and stand up for yourself so that they are aware of your wishes and advocate for you for what is fair money and asset wise. Women can really get screwed in a divorce; screwed out of child support, and marital assets. Like I said, be ready for anything, but don't let him intimidate you. That is obviously what he wants to do, because you were the one who initiated the divorce. His ego is wounded (poor baby) and this is about control. Don't give in to him. Do you have family who can help support you through this? I know people who have loaned their family member money to help them pay for an attorney or maybe a bank loan. Do you know anyone who would be willing to take on the case, a lawyer in the family, for example, or a friend of the family, someone you trust, just a thought. Keep us posted. I wish I had better advice for you, but keep all your options open, and if you feel that your attorney is not doing her job, get the rest of your retainer back and hire someone else before the hearing, so you are well represented, and are not caught off guard by an attorney who is not representing you the way they should. And don't be afraid to speak up; don't let anyone make you feel that you are bothering them; this is your life you are talking about, and you are paying good money for them to do their job, so they DO it and DO IT WELL, or you find someone who WILL!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 11:38pm

The first thing I would do (if you aren't already) is start documenting. You should document the routine you describe here, in a journal every day. That will allow you to show in court that over xx period of time, the children are used to a bedtime routine that begins at 7pm, and them not being home until 7:30 would be disruptive. Of course, then he could argue that he should keep them overnight, and that will be harder to argue against. Document anything else notable as well, like if he has them and returns them right before bedtime with no bath, if he misses any time with them, or anything (but just document facts and observations, not feelings or opinions). Document any statements he makes about the money, and about doing this for financial reasons (date, time, quotes).

The key for me would be (and what I would want a judge to know) is that if he had them every evening until bedtime, that would leave you no parenting time except on every other weekend. I can't imagine any court saying you only have them every other weekend but are still the custodial parent because they go to bed at your house. That just makes no sense. There are cases (and they do have to do with one side having more money) where a dad can be given custody over the mom, but this is very uncommon. I know some great dads and I don't think the system is fair to them, but lucky for you the system tends to tip in your favor. You didn't say he's fighting for custody, meaning he wants to be the custodial parent. What he's saying is he wants more parenting time than you, to me then he should be fighting for sole physical custody if that has any chance at working.

In this case, it seems the worst you would have to face is having them 1/2 time and the situation he describes you'd be with them much less than 1/2 their waking life. It's sounds more like a threat than something that he could actually pull off. What time do you get off work? What about counter-proposing that he get them at 1:30 until the time you get off work. That way you'd each get a portion of time with them each weekday, and then split the weekends. If he needs to have them until 7:30 each night to get the cs discount, then if you get off at 5:30 that should cut off that little plan. The good part is that it would look perfectly reasonable to the judge, he gets them for every afternoon but you get time with them too and it doesn't disrupt their normal bedtime routine.

Does your state have temporary spousal support? In my state as long as you are married one person can be made to pay the other some support, it's not alimony, it's only paid while you are separated and not divorced yet. While you are married, his income is marital income (as is yours) and one person shouldn't be keeping a bigger piece of the pie just because you live at separate addresses. After the divorce, your income is your own, except for alimony payments and child support payments if any.

Having a good attorney is so important. Any good attorney would not sit by while you paid daycare with no child support. Is child support ordered, or has the attorney not even requested it? I think a good attorney would say if there were marital funds to pay his attorney fees, then marital funds should be available to pay your attorney fees as well. A good divorce attorney IMHO can level the legal playing field even if you don't have cash in your personal bank account, and make sure he/she is paid in the process.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 10:27am

Just a thought.... make sure that you push for equal parenting time during the kids WAKING hours.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~