Let's try this again...
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 07-13-2008 - 12:28am |
Sorry for posting it in the wrong section before lol It's getting late here so I was blonde for a moment! Ok, once again:
I've been a lurker for a bit but tonight I thought I'd post because, well, I think mostly because I need to vent. Please forgive me if this gets long.
I left Dopey well over 3 years ago. We're still separated because, well, he didn't want it. Long story short, we've finally reached an agreement. I don't want anything except child support. I never have. So, needless to say, we reached an agreement because he finally didn't feel like ending up in court over something he knew he would lose, since he realized that the courts dictate child support, not his wants. Now his lawyer is moving slow and mine has to constantly bug him to get things done. Dopey still hasn't removed all of his stuff from my apartment. I told my lawyer I'm on the verge of throwing things out but I don't want there to be any stress for the kids over it (we have two girls, 13 and 9). It's all in one area, he just has to collect it. My lawyer asked me to let him handle it. Dopey's finally removing things but ever so slowly. He still tries subtle mind games too. I've grown very tired.
Then there's dating again. What a joy. I've dated 3 men since I left Dopey. They don't meet my children unless I think there's a possible future. It's hard to do because I can't date during the week so I can only go out when Dopey has the kids. The first left me for someone else after a year and promises of marriage. My kids were crushed. The next one, he was just using me so I got rid of him quick. He never met the kids. This last one, I just broke up with a couple days ago. His STBX was a witch on horseback and had dangerous tendencies. Followed him, had a friend hack into his email etc, threats, lies, manipulating their grown children, and was very very jealous to the point he was afraid she would injure me if she ever met me. He let her control a good portion of his life so he could keep things smooth so the divorce would proceed. That included her not knowing about me, me not allowed over ( and him not coming over) in case she showed up while she was in town for a couple months, me not being allowed to call him in case she was there. I felt like the proverbial other woman. She was bad enough, I had heard his 18 yr old son over the phone saying some very insulting things about his mother. I grew tired and told him to get his life straight first before entering into other relationships. My kids met him a couple times and didn't like him anyway. I had no idea how bad his wife was until after we started dating which was after knowing him for about 6 months. All during that, Dopey is telling me he wants me back, turning on the croc tears when he does. Sorry, not that desperate!
I've grown weary. Physically and mentally. I'm am nearly completely alone and I don't know how to change it. I rarely meet anyone. Dopey managed to scare away what few friends I had. I wasn't allowed to have any, male or female. Since I left him, I work just part-time in an award-winning kitchen gadget store. It's very popular so I meet a ton of people everyday I'm there but it's not a place I can make friends at. The odd person strikes up a conversation with me at the mall I work in but that's rare. I also tend to guard myself somewhat so I don't just walk into a room and I'm suddenly everyone's friend. I go to school, too, but I have Fibromyalgia so for me to go back and forth to class by bus (I don't own a car), work and getting my youngest in daycare etc would be extremely tiring and make me even more sick, not to mention the financial strain. So I searched and searched and found a very reputable distance university which means I have no social network through school. I won't have my oldest babysit my youngest for an evening out because she's only 13 and I'm nervous because there have been issues in our neighbourhood in the past. Not small ones. There have been a few drug busts in my building, gang members, etc. They had dogs, the helicopter and 12 cops here one night. Things have been quiet for a while now but I'm still nervous and I don't know anyone to babysit. My parents live a half hour away and won't babysit in the evenings. Dopey has them most weekends but I still can't afford to go out much and when I can, I have no one to go out with. Feels kind of bad going to a movie alone. I can't join a single parent group because most do things that involve needing a car. I see no point in getting involved in a group that I can only get me and the kids to maybe once a year. Guess I could go to the local bars but do I really want to be around guys who are drunk?
So, in a nut shell, I'm so frustrated with my divorce not being done yet (even though it's just a matter of time)I know that pretty soon I'm going to end up feeling lonely yet again and I don't know what to do. I'm poor(low wages, student loans and but the child support hasn't kicked in yet, he pays half what he should an it barely helps. at least I get that though.), ill, no vehicle and two kids. Not many in my city want to hang out with someone like me. Certainly no man that wants something serious wants to date someone like me. One man told me single mothers were "recycled garbage. Someone got rid of them for a reason. Best to stay away." I won't repeat what I said to him. From what I've seen, that's pretty much the general consensus in my city. I don't know what to do. I just haven't been able to get a social life since leaving Dopey.
Sorry it got long. thanks for letting me vent a bit.

I'm in a similar situation--having the kids and no social life. The lonliness is the worst for me...it just stinks. So I can relate. I honestly have no advice at this point...other than keep trying to meet some moms and use them as a social network. While I'd love male company again one day, I'm not at the point where I'm ready, or able, to do that.
Will you always be without a car? That does create a bit of an issue with getting out and about.
Well, I'll be without a car for a long time. With the rising cost of fuel etc there's no way I can afford it. I can't even save for one at this point. Maybe after Dopey starts paying proper child support but with me in school, I'm not sure. My student loans will go down once he does that. So I foresee the city bus in my future for years to come.
Having just broke up with someone, I'm not looking for a relationship, just a few friends. The moms at my youngest daughter's school slowly edged away from me when they found out I was divorcing(Catholic schools).
You're right. The loneliness is really hard. Pretty soon, I'll be right back there, crying when my kids are at their dad's, if I cant' find some way to be more social.
Don't worry about no advice. Sometimes, just knowing someone understands what it's like to be closed off can be enough. Thanks:)
Yes, yes...no social life.
I have just begun looking on craigslist, I know it sounds kinda creepy, but there is a strictly platonic section where you can post on there under women seeking women. I found one that posted she had tix to a concert and wanted a female to go along with her.
You could post a quick ad that gives a little info and email back and forth with any responses you get. That way, you might be able to find another gal with kids and you can trade off watching the kids, or all of you doing something together that gets everyone out of the house.
Good luck.
Intune,
Loneliness is part of the divorce package (unfortunately) but it doesn't last forever. Here's my standard advice for those who are newly single and in need of friends: Ready?
What are your interests or hobbies? If you don't have any, what would you LIKE to do? Getting outside of your four walls and outside your head are good places to start to find friends. Do you bike, run, walk, garden, read books, knit, paint, camp, etc?
Whatever you like to do you can find others who like to do the same thing! During my divorce I took a class in backpacking at our local community college. One class. I met two dozen other (mostly women) who also liked to backpack or wanted to learn how to backpack. As a result of the class we formed a small hiking club. We got together every other weekend during the summer to hike a local trail. As we got to know one another better we organized an overnight camping trip, etc. We had a blast! And, I got to know a half dozen other people as friends.
You can do the same thing. It takes initiative (on your part) and it takes courage. Meeting new people is always a challenge. However, if you start from the vanatage point of something you already like to do or want to learn more about, it's less threatening. So give it a try. Many chamber of commerce, libraries, community centers, and other social centers have lists of organizations that meet in their offices or can point you to where they do. And don't overlook volunteer opportunities, too. Youth centers, senior centers, libraries, schools, and churches all need volunteers to do simple things. You'll find purpose and you'll meet new people who may become friends - or doorways to friends.
As for dating...give yourself the gift of healing first. You're too emotionally wrought and damaged to make good decisions about whom to date. And, I caution all newly divorced women, to watch out for men who prey on your emotional vunerablity. My test? When they smile do they look like sharks? Some men can smell "blood in the water" of emotional dispair and go after you. They'll use you and throw you away.
Give yourself the gift of time and seek friends, not romantic partners for a while. You'll be in much better shape to date later and you'll be glad youd waited.
Best wishes,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Some commonly misspelled words on this board:
You're = contraction of "you are"; You're going away?
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Thanks for the responses. Yeah I'm thinking of throwing his stuff out but he would take it out on the kids. Not physically but he'd be impossible. Besides, he transfers into town this weekend and we've already had a 'discussion' about it.
Craig's List. Nope. I used to post on a forum there but men there think single moms are garbage.
Everyone keeps mentioning connecting with other moms. Well, I have interests in things a lot of women don't so it's hard for me to connect with women.
Wisdomtooth: I appreciate the long answer. There were some good suggestions. I'm sorry if I led you to believe some things that weren't true. I left the kids dad over 3 years ago. I'm just waiting for the papers to be signed and to collect proper child support. I haven't lived with him in ages. So I'm not new to this. As I said, I'm not looking to find a BF right now after just breaking up with one anyway. Believe me, I know all about what men can be like. I've been cautious. I've only dated 3 men in over 3 years.
Classes are a great idea. If you can afford them. I can't. I pull in about $2000/mo gross. So that's about 1800/mo net. My rent alone is $1149. Only my oldest gets a bus pass and then only during school because that's when we get the discount. Yes, I have a ton of interests. Books (I'm working on my Eng degree), music, psychology, astronomy, history, art, I do write.
The only thing I could do is maybe plan to go to something that only costs bus fees maybe once a month. It can't be anything overly physical either though because of my health issues. I can only do things when the ex has the kids, too, and his schedule changes last minute so promising to volunteer is not a good idea. Besides with work and school and the kids it would be hard to work in lol Maybe a book club or a writing club. I could check into that. It's hard to find a group of people that understand you have limitations and have them respect that.
My health, my money situation, and no babysitter really does limit me a lot. It's extremely frustrating. On second though,I think I'll just give up. lol