THE LETTER

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
THE LETTER
25
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:13am
I need to know what you all think...I have written my ex husband a letter and I wonder if I should send it? It's not a bad letter. It has questions in it about why he left and why he did the things that he has. I also explained to him my feelings that I have about our whole divorce and about the girl he left for. I was thinking that by sending it that maybe I could let him know that it's not all about him and that maybe I could get past some of the issues that I have and am so tired of thinking about. What do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:24am

robin12006--

Pianoguy thinks it's your 'attempt to get some form of closure?'

You may have put your thoughts on paper, but expecting a response from the EX may or may not happen?

Before you mail it...put yourself in your EX's place. You are with a new partner who obviously is making your life happier. How would you feel if an EX sent you a document detailing the good and bad stuff connected with a relationship that no longer exists?

Unless you're desiring some form of closure for yourself...I'd give this a 2nd thought before you put a stamp on the letter!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:48am

I completely understand your need for closure or explaination. BUT..... do you think he'll understand that? Do you think that he'll realize the hurt he caused you and truly feel sorry for it or be able to give you any sort of explaination? I highly doubt it. Those people who think life is all about them will never get it. My XH still thinks that it's all about him and the kids have to fall in behind.

You just can't hit anyone over the head with a brick to make them see your point. The letter is written. Write another one. And another one. Put them all in a box and read them in a coupel years when you're feeling better about your life. Or throw them all away. Sending it will only give him power over you in that he'll be able to say "See? She is dependent on me. She's nothing without me. I'm superior."

Don't give him any more power than he already has. The best revenge is living well!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:16am
The thing is is that he's not with the other girl and he's struggling with many issues too. I do need some kind of closure. He left and I can't understand his reasoning in why he did. I have always been a person who needs to know the why's of the world. He hasn't stopped accusing long enough to know how I feel or even care enough to ask. I don't know....He has said many times that he needs to write a letter to me because there is so much stuff that has happened that he feels he needs to explain but he has never followed through. My ex has huge guilt over this whole divorce mess. I can't get past the rejection and the unanswered questions. I hate this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:58am
Thanks for the response. I pretty much knew that I shouldn't send it. Your are right, he couldn't care less about how I feel. He's the one who left and he walks around like he's got the chip and actually had the gonads to tell me that I needed to recognize my part in our failed marriage. He was the one who wanted out and I am suppose to realize what part I had in him leaving. This whole thing is so depressing and never ending. How do I live well and move on when I can't get any closure? One day things are going great, the next it's all I can do get out of bed. He left one year ago. It feels like it was just yesterday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:17pm

Hello Robin...
I would put the letter aside, and read it in a week. Then, if it still ringed true and right, I would send it - not for him! that is a wasted effort, but for me, to get it off my chest, to know I did it.

It may then be easier to move on (and upwards!!! ). It is normal to be dragged back in the emotional turmoil of a divorce now and then, but with time it gets smoother and one day one wakes up and realizes it has been weeks since last time we even thought about it!!! any step in that direction, is a good step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 1:24pm

I know how you feel. Its been a year, time has past so quickly, and it seem like yesterday. Don't send the letter, you may just end up getting hurt all over again. My husband made his choice to leave, and blames me for him not being happy in the marriage.
We both are to blame. We just grew apart. I will not let myself think that it was all my fault. This year has been so sad, to much arguing, the divorce,so much stress. The hurting is a everyday feeling. Just have to be strong.

I do love my husband, how can I not. He was my first love,we were together for 16 years. I don't understand how he can just leave the way he did. I have cried to him to many times, and I am not going to do that anymore to myself. Sometimes I do really dislike him for what he has done, and thats when I become stronger.

Don't keep your self down. Maybe its for the best. There will be happy days again. We have to believe in that. A new year is coming. I wish you the best.

You can email me anytime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:32pm

Robin,

I'm there too! I've been going to counseling and it really has made a difference in how I look at my husband and how I feel about myself.

I wouldn't send the letter and agree that it will give him more power over you. This is also a way that he's still controlling you. Make a clean break from him with no contact at all. After you do this it will help you to heal and to restore your sense of worth. Small steps add up to leaps. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 4:41pm
Thanks for your words. I have been to counseling too. I just seem to be so codependent that even when I know what my counselor is telling is the way it needs to be I still slip up and end up either calling him or texting him. I need to get strong. I need to get control. I hate him having this power over me that he doesn't even know he has. I am very weak when it comes to my ex husband.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:10pm
Hey Robin, I know how you feel..of course we're not divorced yet..my husband doesn't even have an address to mail a letter to - it would just come back to me because all of his mail is here. I am thinking about you! E-mail me anytime.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 5:35pm
I think I am going to hold the letter. I don't think it would do any good to send it to him. It has helped me a little in writing it. And knowing that I have it and can put it in an envelope helps too. Write your own letter to your stbx. Just let him have it!!!! Get it all out on the paper. Too bad he isn't man enough to come around and take it to his face. Someday he's gotta face the mess he's made and that's going to be a very hard day for him. Hang in there!!!!

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