Letter to Div Atty #1 (now on #2)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Letter to Div Atty #1 (now on #2)
2
Fri, 06-09-2006 - 9:21pm

Met Andrea, dated steady for 3 months and got married – she changed the wedding date twice, and I said pick date or break up. I thought she was a nice Jewish girl, and we both wanted marriage and children. I was used to long-term relationships, Andrea was extremely sexually promiscuous (which I didn’t know until I found her diary years into the marriage).She had herpes when we first met, but never told me until we had to take a blood test for a marriage certificate. I can still remember her crying to me when the results came back, because she thought I wouldn’t want to marry her. I had no sexually transmitted diseases, and never had any herpes outbreaks, but did get genital warts from Andrea.Lived in my house for a year, and received rental income from back apartment. She started a slush fund from the rental apt and my side business in order for us to have additional monies to buy another house. My house was given to my stepfather and mother as payment for raising me (was disowned because I spoke to my biological at age 42). First year of marriage was difficult, as we both were used to being single for eight years. Andrea was having difficulty with me sexually, and we tried at her request, using sexual aids such as vibrators, etc. We gave up on the use of sexual aids, and at a certain point in our relationship she claimed that I was the “only one” who could bring her to orgasm. Andrea was unable to get pregnant during 5 years in her previous marriage, and her biggest goal in life was to have a child. After seeing numerous fertility specialists she was told that sometimes for no medical explanation, a woman cannot get pregnant. We started to adopt a child, and I insisted that we stop the process – a month afterwards she became pregnant at 43. My income mushroomed as my side business took off, and it payed for many of the “extras.” The internet cut heavily into my business, and it started to significantly dwindle. Several years into the marriage I was cleaning the garage and stumbled on Andrea’s diary. It devastated me to learn how incredibly promiscuous she was, and was quite hurt when reading the final entry in her diary: that she felt “no chemistry” with me, was in love someone else that was moving back to Israel, and felt that it was “G-d’s will” that she should marry me. I always felt that I loved Andrea although we did start drifting “apart.” This was heightened upon the move to Weston. The during past 3 years, she started befriending divorced girlfriends, and most recently received a call in my presence where she was asked to go to the singles bar with a girlfriend that describes herself as a slut. There were many red flags that went up between both of us. After numerous failed attempts at mediocre jobs, I realized that Andrea was getting totally fed up with me. I was never really a drinker, but enjoyed smoking pot. This bothered Andrea, and rightfully so. However, pot was a release for me, particularly in lieu of my not wanting to be on medication for depression and restless leg syndrome (and also diagnosed with pre-Parkinson’s disease). This past February I started making an attempt to open up to Andrea and that triggered off our breakup. We weren’t communicating with each other, fighting, and not seeming to agree on anything. This past Jan. I made an attempt to reconnect with my stepfather and mother (after 15 years). I was told to f*ck off. Andrea was upset that I didn’t tell her I was going to call my mother. I made several admissions to her about “things” that I had never told her before. It was my attempt at letting her know that I wasn’t going to take anti-depressants, pain killers, or any other pills…and stopped cold turkey. I went through some serious withdrawals, but didn’t stop the drinking, as the tension of the fighting with Andrea and job stress were overwhelming me. Then came the pre-arranged set up: Andrea took my son’s Bar Mitzvah money and hired Brenners. She told me she was divorcing me because I was going to take a leave of absence from my job. When she walked out on me with my son in tow, I begged her on my hands and knees not to do it. I asked her what I could do to save the marriage and get family counseling for all 3 of us rather than spend the money on an attorney. Her reply to me was that if I Baker Acted myself then she would agree to counseling. The results of my psychiatric and psychologic examination at Memorial East Hospital revealed that I was in deep depression, but didn’t belong in the psychiatric ward. Both the nurse psychologist and psychiatrist told me I didn’t belong in the psychiatric ward, and ask me if I was sure I wanted to do this. Thinking I was saving my marriage I said “yes.” I was treated for Paxil withdrawal, and spent the next day or so in the psych ward. I checked myself out, and was informed by the nurse psychologist that Andrea was very insistent at obtaining my medical info (they wouldn’t release it to her). When I was driving back to my house from Mem East my cell phone rang – it was Andrea. She told me to “get back into the pscy ward or the marriage wouldn’t be saved.” I went through the same psychiatric and psychologic evaluations, told I didn’t belong there, and again asked if I was sure I wanted to Baker Act myself a second time. I believed I ws saving my marriage and went back into the psych ward. Upon checking out I agreed to take one hour to pack my belongings from my house, and leave. I agreed. The next six months I spent were absolute hell. I did rehab, which is where I should have gone to begin with. I spent the next 3 months BEGGING Andrea with I love you letters, and also reinforced to my son how important it was to be good to his wonderful mother. I gave in to everything that Andrea asked of me. I gave her diary back to her, informed her of where Ben was hiding toy guns, and many other “things.” Then I got whacked with the divorce papers with a ridiculous settlement offer. The bottom line is that maybe this is a situation where two people got married to each other for all the wrong reasons. Or, perhaps it is a situation where Andrea has to come out of denial on many of her issues, and recognize that I am making giant strides slowly in my life, but it won’t be resolved for at least a year. She has sexually abused my son, been popping sleeping pills for years, and many “other things.” Most of all she was not there when I needed her the most after fifteen years of marriage, and does not realize that it takes “2-to-tango.” She is putting all the blame on me, and needs to come to terms with her own demons. Going to a psychologist once with my son is not the answer for her and my son. Someone said to me that once the other person in the relationship “turns off the switch in their head,” there is no turning back.
Letter to Divorce Judge (told it was "inappropriate")...
Dear Hon. Judge Birken:

I am writing to you for several reasons. First of all, I would like to thank you for being such a reasonable judge. However, many of the facts of my case where not properly represented by my attorneys; nor were they properly represented by my ex-wife’s attorney, whom I consider a blemish upon the legal community. It is very difficult for me to write to you, and convey my thoughts, so please, I beg of you to hear me out.

When I met my ex-wife, Andrea, I had begged her to marry me. I was under the impression that she was a “nice Jewish girl” that was in want of marriage and a child. I was deceived by her. I had no idea of her sexual permiscuity, and if I was allowed to produce her diary during the year of when I met her, the facts would speak for themselves. I had ALWAYS had relationships with other women that lasted for several years, and did not believe in mutual masturbation relationships. However, Andrea had over 50 sexual relationships during the year that I first met her. I know this as a fact because during the years of our marriage I discovered her diary while cleaning my garage. Although I over-stepped boundaries, I read her diary. My hair stood upon end after reading it: she was having casual sex weekend after weekend, sometimes having at least 3 different partners in one weekend. Moreover, her diary professed that she had no sexual interest in me and was in love with another man; but, she felt that I was her last chance at producing a child because her biological time-clock was ticking away. I dare her to produce that diary to you! I was in love with her, and just swallowed my pride, and logically should have ended the marriage at that point. So, I blame myself for my weaknesses. To be more to the point, I still remember when the marriage blood test were received: she was crying to me that I wouldn’t marry her because she tested positive for genital herpes (which she is denying). Moreover, several years into my former marriage I developed genital warts, and had no sexual contact with any other women. Upon discussing this matter with several prominent physicians, they emphatically insisted that my genital warts were a result of HER extra-marital affairs. I had to endure having warts burned off of my penis by a dermatologist because of her. Although she denies this, and it has no bearing upon legal proceedings for divorce, I honestly feel that you should be made aware of the facts. Andrea is a pathological liar. In fact, I ask you to question the fact that out of almost an entire page of items that were supposed to be returned to me according to the mediation agreement, only one item was returned (she claimed that items were either missing or returned). Finally, I had left her not only with all items accumulated for over 16 years of marriage, but monies accumulated for 16 years all in HER name, and half the that money was to be mailed to me this past August – I still don’t have a dime of that money! Both Andrea and her attorney are responsible for this – and, I am currently on verge of bankruptcy as a result of this.

In addition, I had made a formal complaint to DCF about her sexually molesting my son. Obviously I could not prove this, because I wasn’t about to photograph/video this, but would be willing to swear upon my life that this was a fact, not something vividly imagined. I am concerned about my son’s well being. It was communicated to both myself and my attorney that Andrea and her attorney were in agreement that I should have a RIGHT to my son. I was not only a runner-up for Father-of-the-Year for Broward...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 8:34am
I don't know if you were asking for advice concerning the letter to the Judge or just sharing your circumstances. So, you may be getting advice from me that you don't want. The letter is inappropriate. It makes you seem irrational and out of control. Of course all of us feel that way time to time during a divorce but we certainly don't want to show that to a judge! I hope you get everything sorted out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 06-11-2006 - 8:46am

It sounds like the two of you have been through a tremendous amount. This is definitely a good forum to vent your sadness and frustration. HOWEVER....I agree with the OP. I would not, under ANY circumstances, present that letter to the judge. In the end, they are really not interested in who wronged whom. Their goal is to ensure a fair divorce settlement. So please, rethink giving that letter to the judge.




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