Letter from Friend of the Court
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| Tue, 06-21-2005 - 9:17pm |
STBX and I don't get along and on his parenting time day he went and picked up our DD early without calling me or the babysitter first. I mean we DON"T get along but in the past if he called and said "I want to pickher up early" I would question why he needed to pick her up earlier but eventually give in. NO I wouldn't start a fight but I needed to know why any other day he would be late or not come at all compared to days he would pick her up early.
So last week he picked her up like 3 1/2 hours early with no notification. So I called FOC and only get voice mail and then I call my attorney and they say "it is only an issue if YOU make it an issue". But it wasn't me - he makes it an issue by not following the order. We have those orders becuse we CANT get along.
I faxed a letter to the FOC last week and put in there I know that it ONLY benefits our DD that her father comes and spends time with her but should he have to notify me or at least the babysitter.
The letter said that HE IS IN VIOLATION. He can't come and just pick her up without notification. The FOC stresses that we work things out on our own but if we can't fall back on the court orders.
I even called my STBX the day he took our DD without notification and left a message on his cell phone telling me to call me and he NEVER did. I left the message shortly after he picked her up. He was only doing it because he knew itwould tick me off.
No I don't want to make it an issue but he doesn't bend the orders for me. He is constantly leaving our DD with one of his nephews all under the age of 11 and going out while my dd cries for him to stay.
I will just tell him that he can't do this without calling me. But if he does it again I can purse taking him to court through the Friend of the Court on a parenting time violation.
Divorce SUCKS!!!!

Hi there. I just wanted to say that you sound like my STBXH friends' they always have problems with their childrens' mother's. I am not trying to be mean or anything but you made it sound like you make him beg to pick her up early. I wouldn't want to have to beg to see my child or pick her up early. Everytime you get upset with him or vice versa it just hurts your dd. It also sounds like you have the need to control everything when it comes to her (your last post) because he hurt you. Maybe try to lighten up a bit, be alittle nicer, if you make the first move hopfully he will follow suit..
Again, I am sorry if this post upset's you, but it kinda hit home because I have seen some loving caring father's suffer because of the things you are writting in your posts..
I can see your frustration. I think probably this was the cake topper adding to a lot of other issues that you guys have together.
Picking up your daughter early sounds to me like small potatoes. ONLY because he isn't interfering with your time, he is taking your daughter from a sitter. If it were him showing up at your house 4 hours early and it was your time and you didn't expect him, yes I would say that would be inappropriate.
I guess we have to pick our battles. Yes you are right, no way should you bend on things if he won't. BUT you have to look at the big picture and know that your daughter knows that your upset/mad andknows that you will be upset with daddy if he comes to pick her up early and eventually that will do more harm than good. Even if you don't say anything to your daughter or in front of your daughter, she knows.
We all battle this stuff. SO MANY feelings are associated with divorce. I know I still can't get along with XH and we have been separated for almost 2 years now, but I choose my battles. I don't get mad over the little stuff anymore.... I used to disect everything DS told me about Daddy's house and then call XH after DS went to bed and yell and scream bloody murder if he ate McD's for lunch for 3 days and pizza for 2 days. Now I think, no it wasn't good food he was eating, but atleast he is eating! It's not worth my own mentality to fight with him on every little thing. I guess for me, I would LOVE to have XH pick up the kids early or for an extra day here and there. I think they need more time with him rather than 4 days a month. So maybe there are other issues you guys have that need ressolving.... if that's the case and he is unwilling to work them out, it's up to you.
Try and stay cool with the small stuff. If we bitch about everything, they get madder and madder and then it affects the children. Trust me :)
Hugs to you and good luck!
Angelena
Hugs to you
I agree with the other posters. I think you should try thinking about this from a different perspective. You don't have to notify HIM when you pick your child up early. Why is that? It's a double standard, you have more rights than he does. Why? Because you are female? Mom's get more rights when it comes to custody in the US. Why is that? From your previous posts, I don't remember him ever hurting your child (other than you disagree with some things he has chosen to do in his personal life, and you are concerned the affect those choices will have on your dd). If he had supervised only visitation, or was taking away your time, I can see where you'd be upset he picked dd up early, but it was him or the babysitter, why is it better for your child to be with the babysitter than with her dad? Why is he less of a parent than you, why does he have fewer rights? What if you lived in a country where the male parent got the upper hand legally? Would you want this sort of thing done to you?
Maybe he didn't do it to get to you, maybe he just wanted some extra time with his child (and as most parents would feel, it's better the child be with a parent if they can than with a babysitter, I know if I can get off work early I go get my dd). Maybe he knew if he called you he'd have to jump through hoops and that is why he didn't call. If he knew that calling you would result in "That's fine, thanks for letting me know" maybe he'd be more likely to call. Maybe if you returned the courtesy of letting him know when you picked dd up early, he'd be willing to return the favor to you.
Thanks for everyone;s input. That is why I love coming to these boards you get to see the whole picture.
In no way do I feel that I AM the better parent but I feel like I am parenting better. In the sense that we DON'T get along and therefore I follow the custody papers. No I don't agree with how he lives his life when our DD is around him. But I am sure that he doesn't agree with mine.
I am all for father's who give 100% to their children and don't get the recognition that they deserve but honestly my STBX is not one of them.
As like today he called me at 5:15 and asked if I could go get our DD because he couldn't make it. Nice. He is supposed to get her at 5. I have another job to go to but hmmm I couldn't because of him. I work my 2nd job on the days that he is to have her and maybe I wouldn't have to if he paid his child support. He is going to court for nonpayment of support but I don't rely on that money because it never comes.
If he was dependable I wouldn't have a problem, believe me or not, but he never is. If he said I am working and I just can't leave. I would be no problem. But he isn't he is just like I can't come, you go get her.
Everyday extra I have with her is a blessing to me. I don't make my ex to anything. Shoot if that was the case we would still be married. LOL!!
To each is own.
Thanks for everyone's 2 cents even if you don't like what I say.
Felicia
What would he have done if you had said no, you can't and it's his responsibility so he better still get her? Is she in a center or with a friend? Where my dd is if she gets picked up there is a charge, and if my ex was supposed to get her and didn't he'd have to pay the charge. He'd also have to face the person who had to stay late because of his irresponsibility, and that never feels good. What if you didn't answer the phone? What if you couldn't be reached? Would he just abandon her or would he suck it up and go get her?
My ex doesn't give 100%, but he gives enough. He doesn't have structured bedtimes, he doesn't feed dd healthy food, puts candy bars in her lunch (thankfully the teachers don't give them to her) and things like that. He runs out of money when he has her, he's got a lot of issues. But he does love her and that's a lot more than I got from my dad. My ex has my dd 50% of the time because I didn't have that love and I want her to have it. Consequently, my ex must take responsibility because I do not bail him out. Not that all irresponsible ex's can be fixed by standing your ground, not by a long shot. I'm just wondering if you've tried this approach or what you think might happen if you did. If he could be made to step up to the plate (even if it means occasionally doing something outside of the CO), it's your dd that would benefit.
I am flexible, and there are times I'm running late and my ex will get her or vice versa. But I only do it because it's a two way street, and because he's not doing it to take advantage of me. If he's making you miss work because he knows he can and he doesn't care, then I think not letting him get away with that is in order.
When she was sick and had to take this medicine and that medicine and watch if she spikes a temp or don't let her combine this with that medicine. It was his weekend and he was like "Since she is sick do you just want to keep her.." As much as I wanted to say "Yes leave my baby girl with me.." I didn't let him leave her with me and he took her and he brought her home at 2 a.m. We live in Michigan and it was February and no reason for a child to be out at that time when they are sick.
I don't depend on him just like his money. It isn't worth it and my daughter will NOT suffer at all.
I am sorry that you didn't have that love there from your father but I am assuming that this only made you stronger. At least I hope you did. I defintely want my daughter to love her father but I can't make him make her 1st in his life. He has dumped her I don't know how many weekends (he only gets her every other) because of pool tournaments or dart tournaments. Otherwise he would leave her with his nephews like he has that are 11, 12 and 13. And yell at my DD when she is crying for her dad and tell her to go to bed.
I believe my DD because when she sees her dad he is GOD. I just wish he could see how much he means to her and give the same back. But oh well.
We are going to be working on this until our DD can be at an age where she can decide if she wants to go with him anymore. My opinion is that when he finally wakes up and starts to appreciate her it will be too late.
I am in no way saying that my STBX is abusive, physical or verbally. But emotionally he hurts her and she tells me "when daddy leaves me when I am with him it makes me sad." I tell her to tell him that but she says she does and he tells her big girls don't cry.
Well thanks alot for sharing.