THE LETTER

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
THE LETTER
25
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:13am
I need to know what you all think...I have written my ex husband a letter and I wonder if I should send it? It's not a bad letter. It has questions in it about why he left and why he did the things that he has. I also explained to him my feelings that I have about our whole divorce and about the girl he left for. I was thinking that by sending it that maybe I could let him know that it's not all about him and that maybe I could get past some of the issues that I have and am so tired of thinking about. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 6:02pm

Robin,


Writing your thoughts and feelings out is a great way to vent. That's why so many therapists encourage people to journal. Perhaps this can be the first page in your journal and you can continue to write out your thoughts and feelings, even in letter form to your Ex or STBX. I like the suggestion to set it aside and read it again later. Very often when we vent it's like a big spew of emotion. We can't always know how our words will sound to others written or spoken.


Coming apart is a painful and confusing process. I encourage you to go find a copy of a book called "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. It's an excellent resource for anyone going through the loss of a love relationship.


Good luck and visit here as often as you like.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 7:50pm

It's been a year for me too. It was this time last year that my ex called and told me on the phone that he wanted a divorce. I can remember that night like it was today. A whole year of thinking the same thoughts and reliving the same nightmare over and over. I pleaded too for him to stay. It's the hardest thing to think that your life was going along just fine and than you're divorced. What happened? I'm not going to send the letter. I am going to read it again and again. It's says things that I have wanted to say to my ex for the last year but he won't take the time to listen. I think that's because he knows he jumped the gun with the divorce and wishes he could take a step or two back in time. He has always been someone that acts before he thinks and this time his quick actions have back fired on him. Thing is....there has been so much that's gone on that getting back what we lost is almost impossible. That's where the sorrow really sets in. If he had taken the time to think things out and we could of talked....Now here we sit wondering what our lives have in store for us. Together for 25yrs. Niether one of us knows how to act without the other. I loved him and lived for him. Now I can only hope that someday I can find that with someone else. What that does to my heart is breaks it all over again. How do you find someone to replace the person you thought was your solemate? Do you think about this stuff too? Do you have kids? What's your story?

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 8:11pm
I would have to say no dont send it it could only make things worse off for you in the long run. It sounds like you are trying to hang on to the past sorry for saying this to you but I have been there and done that. Best of wishes to you
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: robinl2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 8:52am

Robin,

I'm glad that you came to this decision... I agree, writing it all out can be extremely beneficial, as a means to get it off your chest... It will also be a good measure, in a few months/years for you to look back on and see how far you've come...

I hope that you have a nice weekend!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 12:20am

Robin, many of the things you are expressing are exactly what I felt when my ex left. In fact, he walked out 4 years ago today and you know what? Thinking about posting a reply to you was the first time I realized this was actually the date..... Hmmm.... progress definitely.

Anyway, from the beginning when I found out about the affair, through the year we stayed together with all the promises that he had no contact, to the day he walked out I begged for the truth. I told him the truth always hurt less than a lie... No matter how many times I said it, he just wouldn't/couldn't do it. He never did. And, like you, I am a person who always needs to understand the "why" behind what happened. He was my first love (my only love to this point), my best friend for many years, and the only person in my life I fully trusted. To have him betray me was the worst pain I have ever gone through. He, too, has had his guilt and times when some piece of truth would come out or I could see it in his eyes... but about a year ago I stopped seeing it because I stopped looking. I realized he chose not to just lie, but to become a liar....and he was never going to come clean to me. I have said many times that if he ever came to me and asked what he could do to make this easier for me my reply would have been to let me ask you 10 questions and you tell me the 100% totally honest truth.... But I realized that would never happen. About a year ago, maybe more (so 3 years after he left) I finally accepted that I will NEVER know the truths, the reasons, the why he made the choices he made. I still will admit I don't like it, but I have accepted it..... You will, too, when you are ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: robinl2006
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:57am

I think writing the letter is healthy.

Sending it is probably a mistake. Put your letter in an envelope and burn it.

When you ask a question, you need ot be ready for whatever answer you get back. In my experience, I have rarely met anyone who was prepared for "real" answers. In my experience, most people who ask open-ended/fill-in-the-blank questions really intended to ask a multiple choice.

For example:
Why did you leave me?
When you left, was it because (a) you are stupid and weak, (b) you are ashamed of your tiny impotent penis? (c) you are a deranged mental case with no possible contribution to society?

Again, in my experience, most people ask the first question, expecting only one of the answers from the second question. And when that does not happen, they are shocked, hurt and disappointed.

If you had this information, do you think you would be better off? What if he confirms the absolute worst that you think about yourself? What if there is no "why" or specific resolution?

Burn the letter once written.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 2:15pm
Him wanting out of the marriage is a horrible thing, but me not knowing what I did or didn't do is a far worse thing. I guess that's why I truly wish I had answers. I feel like a I failed hugely but I don't know how I failed him. You are right, in that I will probably never get the answers I need. I just wish I could get to the point to where I just don't care....about him or why he left. Thanks for your words.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Sun, 12-10-2006 - 9:01pm
Writing letters is a great form of therapy but this type of letter is not meant to be sent. You might regret it the moment you drop it in the box, and you will not get a reply. Didn't we all do this at least once in high school, wait for an answer and then wonder why we ever sent it? There are questions you have that may not be answered in the manner and time frame that you want but eventually you will know all that you are wondering about. The funny thing is, once you find it all out you may not care as much. You may very well be involved in a new and happy life without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 7:34pm

Am going through the same emotions. I was married for 16 years, to my first love, first for everything. We have 3 kids together. Its been a year, my husband left on the month of November. He husband left, one week after we had our third baby. Its seems like yesterday to me too, so fresh in my mind. I love him still so much, but he has hurt me so much by walking out the way he did.

Its been hard to let go, I think about him so much. It hurts to know that we were married for all that time, and now he is out of my life as my husband. I still see him and talk with him on the phone, but its not the same. I can no longer ask questions, because am no longer his wife.

Even thou its been a year, I still have days I just feel sad and want to cry.

Do you have kids? Do you still see him or talk with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:49am
My husband left in November of last year too. Just couldn't do it anymore, he said. I wish he had taken a step back and really thought about his decision to divorce. I really think that if he could of seen into the future he would of tried to work out the problems that he said we had. He lives miserably now along with me. I, too, think of him endlessly. He's not happy and neither am I. We are both so much worse off without each other than we ever were together. We have two girls together. It's been hard on them too. This just isn't the way life is suppose to be. I look forward to the holidays being over with. I feel like such a fake walking around trying to put on this happy face and trying not to bring people into my own misery with my true feelings. Do you ever feel like just packing a suitcase and just running away? As fast and as far as you can go? I have just about finished a book that I am going to reread. It's a great book and I think that reading it a couple of times will help me to get this through this mess. The name of it is Live, Laugh, Love Again. It's a Christian Woman's survival guide to divorce. It is a fabulous book and I highly recommend it. It's written by Michelle Borquez,Connie Wetzell, Rosalind Soinks-Seay, and Carla Sue Nelson. Pick up a copy. It's one of those books you can read in just a day or two.