THE LETTER
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THE LETTER
| Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:13am |
I need to know what you all think...I have written my ex husband a letter and I wonder if I should send it? It's not a bad letter. It has questions in it about why he left and why he did the things that he has. I also explained to him my feelings that I have about our whole divorce and about the girl he left for. I was thinking that by sending it that maybe I could let him know that it's not all about him and that maybe I could get past some of the issues that I have and am so tired of thinking about. What do you think?

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Robin,
Writing your thoughts and feelings out is a great way to vent. That's why so many therapists encourage people to journal. Perhaps this can be the first page in your journal and you can continue to write out your thoughts and feelings, even in letter form to your Ex or STBX. I like the suggestion to set it aside and read it again later. Very often when we vent it's like a big spew of emotion. We can't always know how our words will sound to others written or spoken.
Coming apart is a painful and confusing process. I encourage you to go find a copy of a book called "Rebuilding: When your relationship ends" by Bruce Fisher. It's an excellent resource for anyone going through the loss of a love relationship.
Good luck and visit here as often as you like.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
It's been a year for me too. It was this time last year that my ex called and told me on the phone that he wanted a divorce. I can remember that night like it was today. A whole year of thinking the same thoughts and reliving the same nightmare over and over. I pleaded too for him to stay. It's the hardest thing to think that your life was going along just fine and than you're divorced. What happened? I'm not going to send the letter. I am going to read it again and again. It's says things that I have wanted to say to my ex for the last year but he won't take the time to listen. I think that's because he knows he jumped the gun with the divorce and wishes he could take a step or two back in time. He has always been someone that acts before he thinks and this time his quick actions have back fired on him. Thing is....there has been so much that's gone on that getting back what we lost is almost impossible. That's where the sorrow really sets in. If he had taken the time to think things out and we could of talked....Now here we sit wondering what our lives have in store for us. Together for 25yrs. Niether one of us knows how to act without the other. I loved him and lived for him. Now I can only hope that someday I can find that with someone else. What that does to my heart is breaks it all over again. How do you find someone to replace the person you thought was your solemate? Do you think about this stuff too? Do you have kids? What's your story?
Robin
Robin,
I'm glad that you came to this decision... I agree, writing it all out can be extremely beneficial, as a means to get it off your chest... It will also be a good measure, in a few months/years for you to look back on and see how far you've come...
I hope that you have a nice weekend!
Julie
Robin, many of the things you are expressing are exactly what I felt when my ex left. In fact, he walked out 4 years ago today and you know what? Thinking about posting a reply to you was the first time I realized this was actually the date..... Hmmm.... progress definitely.
Anyway, from the beginning when I found out about the affair, through the year we stayed together with all the promises that he had no contact, to the day he walked out I begged for the truth. I told him the truth always hurt less than a lie... No matter how many times I said it, he just wouldn't/couldn't do it. He never did. And, like you, I am a person who always needs to understand the "why" behind what happened. He was my first love (my only love to this point), my best friend for many years, and the only person in my life I fully trusted. To have him betray me was the worst pain I have ever gone through. He, too, has had his guilt and times when some piece of truth would come out or I could see it in his eyes... but about a year ago I stopped seeing it because I stopped looking. I realized he chose not to just lie, but to become a liar....and he was never going to come clean to me. I have said many times that if he ever came to me and asked what he could do to make this easier for me my reply would have been to let me ask you 10 questions and you tell me the 100% totally honest truth.... But I realized that would never happen. About a year ago, maybe more (so 3 years after he left) I finally accepted that I will NEVER know the truths, the reasons, the why he made the choices he made. I still will admit I don't like it, but I have accepted it..... You will, too, when you are ready.
I think writing the letter is healthy.
Sending it is probably a mistake. Put your letter in an envelope and burn it.
When you ask a question, you need ot be ready for whatever answer you get back. In my experience, I have rarely met anyone who was prepared for "real" answers. In my experience, most people who ask open-ended/fill-in-the-blank questions really intended to ask a multiple choice.
For example:
Why did you leave me?
When you left, was it because (a) you are stupid and weak, (b) you are ashamed of your tiny impotent penis? (c) you are a deranged mental case with no possible contribution to society?
Again, in my experience, most people ask the first question, expecting only one of the answers from the second question. And when that does not happen, they are shocked, hurt and disappointed.
If you had this information, do you think you would be better off? What if he confirms the absolute worst that you think about yourself? What if there is no "why" or specific resolution?
Burn the letter once written.
Am going through the same emotions. I was married for 16 years, to my first love, first for everything. We have 3 kids together. Its been a year, my husband left on the month of November. He husband left, one week after we had our third baby. Its seems like yesterday to me too, so fresh in my mind. I love him still so much, but he has hurt me so much by walking out the way he did.
Its been hard to let go, I think about him so much. It hurts to know that we were married for all that time, and now he is out of my life as my husband. I still see him and talk with him on the phone, but its not the same. I can no longer ask questions, because am no longer his wife.
Even thou its been a year, I still have days I just feel sad and want to cry.
Do you have kids? Do you still see him or talk with him?
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