THE LETTER

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
THE LETTER
25
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:13am
I need to know what you all think...I have written my ex husband a letter and I wonder if I should send it? It's not a bad letter. It has questions in it about why he left and why he did the things that he has. I also explained to him my feelings that I have about our whole divorce and about the girl he left for. I was thinking that by sending it that maybe I could let him know that it's not all about him and that maybe I could get past some of the issues that I have and am so tired of thinking about. What do you think?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:35pm

Looks like both our husbands left around the same time. I understand how you must feel, sometimes it gets so stressful, you feel like just crying. I know, I feel the same, what's bad is that I keep it inside. I don't talk much to anyone about how am feeling.

For my kids, I have a daughter that is 16yrs old, and one that is 12 months old, also a son who is 11 yrs old. I feel so bad for everthing we put them through this year. And for the baby, its like she really don't know her own dad, I feel bad for her.

My husband has also told me that he wish this never happen. I know deep down he still loves me, he told me that he thinks about me everyday. But everything is done, divorce, me buying him out from our house. Only God knows what's ahead, and what is right for us. I don't know why this happen. I just know right now everything is just so screwed up. I still love him and there is nothing I can do. Should I just give up hoping. Sometimes he wants things to workout between us someday, and sometimes he is just mean and says things that hurt so bad. Its like he is two difference people. Is there someone out there who other than my husband who I was meant to be with, I don't know. Maybe there is someone who will treat me better than he did,he was all I knew. I think we took each other for grant in the marriage.

What is the story with you guys. Maybe it will all workout at the end. Sometimes it takes time aways from each other to understand what went wrong. Don't worry, maybe you guys can work it out, but just not right now. Do you guys talk? Do you see him? Can I ask what was the problem?

Thanks for the book recommended I also like to read. Its been so nice talking to you,I write here at work. You can write me anytime, am here to listen, a shoulder to cry on. Its also good for me too. Since I told you I don't speak to no one about what am feeling.
I feel like my family just don't understand how it is to lose the love of you life.

Am from California, How about you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 5:52pm

I don't know how you keep all the hurt to yourself. That's truly not healthy for you. So please let's keep in touch and talk to each other through this site or personal email, okay. I feel badly for you that you are alone with what is going on in your life. I have people that I can talk with about my situation, but there too, you sometimes feel like they are wondering why you can't get past it, why you are hanging on, why, why, why...That's the question I continuously ask myself too.

I have two girls that are 15 and 10. They are the love of my life and everything I do I do for them. I live in Iowa. A small community in the western part of the state. I was married for 23 yrs. My husband was my one and only for everything in my life from the time I was 16 yrs old. He is a long haul truck driver and, of course, he has his reasons for leaving which to me make me feel bad because they aren't good enough reasons to me. He told me that he wasn't happy for the last ten years of our marriage, that he just couldn't deal anymore, that I wasn't the same person he married. I think that he found someone else he thought was going to make him happier and that was why he left. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but with him being gone six of the seven days I often wondered what exactly it was that he couldn't deal with. It's so frustrating to me! Things to me were just as they had always been with our relationship. I noticed only after he left the ways in which he had changed over the few months before he left. It's the old story about you can tell if there is someone else involved in your spouse's life and now that I look back the signs were there. The thing is....I still care so much for him. I know that he regrets his actions and the way things have turned out, but him getting back to us is something that he's going to have to figure out. The door is open if he wants to take the time to figure out his life and his motives. The door has always been open. He's like your ex. One day we are texting, pouring out our sorrows to each other and the next he doesn't text or call and if he does he's short tempered and strict. I know that he has a depression and I would bet that's what your ex has also. I have begged him to get counseling but he told me that counselors just want you to change and that's all. I know from personal experience that they do work. In the very least my ex needs to be on medication until he can work through his issues. He got into a relationship with a very young girl before our papers were even signed and that hasn't worked out for him so now he has two relationships to get over. I want desperately to help. I just wish he would let me. We talk pretty regularly so I keep hoping that someday he will let the wall down.

I don't mean to go on and on. But that's my story in a nut shell. My name is Robin and I am 42yrs young with two beautiful girls that I am raising. I am working on getting my life jump started and I love to meet and talk with new people. Thanks for listening. Mail me anytime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
In reply to: robinl2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:30pm
Robin, Everytime I read one of your posts - honestly we seem to have the same problems! My daughter told me the same thing that you just said - how could he know he isn't happy if he is gone 6 out of 7 days. Did I tell you that my husband said he kicked the girl out of his truck last Thursday night - I hope it is true and I hope she is headed west. He said that he is so sorry for being so stupid and that he loves us so much. He has a prepaid cell phone now and it doesn't last long...we have only talked on the phone. I told him that without any money from him that our children won't be getting anything for Christmas this year - he said this will be a wonderful Christmas for them - well today is the 12th..so we'll see I guess...one of my daughters friends saw him at Wal-mart here in town last Wednesday about 4:00 - it was about 4:15 that the girl sent me that smart ass e-mail and I blocked them. He said she went "psycho" his words...started talking about me and our daughter about how ugly we was and all....anyway I hope he does show back up...I think my parents hope he doesn't.....21 years is a long time though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: robinl2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 8:19pm
Hey-I am really glad that he's at least calling and talking to you. I just need to say though, please be careful with what you believe and letting him back in. He has done some huge damage and you don' want to set yourself up for anymore disappointments. Be very careful. There is nothing I would like more than for my ex to come to me and tell me that he loved me and that everything was a huge mistake. But I have to be realistic and know that things don't just change over night. There is alot of explaining that would need to be done, alot of counseling that would need to take place and a whole lot of trust that would have to built back up again. That stuff doesn't happen over night. I can imagine your relief in knowing that the girl is possibly gone from his life. I have lived that. But just know....what is gone today can very easily show up again tomorrow. Please, please be very careful. You and your kids can't handle another huge let down. Okay?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2004
In reply to: robinl2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:53pm

I sure understand that..I don't have any plans on stoping the divorce. Actually the original date was today -- but then they said since it was done by publication that the 60 days wasn't up until the 25th of December - So I am on the January 8th calendar. He doesn't know that..because he won't have to sign or anything.. I just talked to him a little while ago and I told him that today was the original court date - but he didn't ask when the new one was. It is going to be very hard for him to face his family...my family will be easier I think...it is just that he has cost my family so much money - they don't have alot of money and they have been paying my bills for 3 months now...actually helping us out a whole lot for the last couple of years..and even if I wanted to postpone the divorce and try to get counseling - I have found out that we can't afford that and there is no pastor or anything that I have found willing to do it. He did say he was going to call the place he works tomorrow and tell them to give me his paycheck - they all know me down there anyway. He will have so many legal issues to deal with, mainly all the garnishments that will start coming out of check when they catch up with him...he has no way of going now - and I can't even imagine what his taxes are going to be like. I really do believe that he is sorry; but I also know that he has been sorry for things before...but this time he said he has made a true change..I told him he would have to prove it to me. I do know that it seems like our entire house is falling down around us since he has been gone...3 months seems like such a long time - I know to alot of you that is no amount of time -but when you are use to having a husband that fixes everything - it seems like forever. We live next door to my parents - so when he starts back coming around - that will be hard - my daddy told me Sunday that just to remember that if I kiss him again - that it will be like kissing that girl - how gross to think about...maybe he should try telling his teenage grandchildren this -- and they wouldn't want to kiss so many people. Anyway - thanks for replying back to me - we just seem to have so much in common with our husbands and their truck driving jobs. Has your husband always been a truck driver? Once you are one - it is hard to find a job making that much money doing anything else (of course mine has never made much money anyway). I have dropped him off my health insurance effective December 31st. That can't be changed until next December under any circumstance - unless we were to get remarried - after the divorce. So even if I stopped the divorce - he wouldn't be covered - that is a scary thing...probably more so to me than him. But I'm the worrier - he never has been. My son's best friend - 13 years old - that is at our house every single day - just like another son - fell tonight while he was here and broke his collar bone - just got back from the ER - will be six weeks in a sling .. and my son has already broken both of his hands this school year (not at the same time) never had a broken bone before this year - I guess 8th grade is rough year for boys. Well - better end for now - it's past my bedtime! Talk to you soon..and don't worry I'm going to take things very carefully.

One other really strange thing before I go - my mama told me tonight that last Wednesday she was at the hospital where her brother was - in the town my husband has been staying in 18 miles away. It is a small town - anyway she walked by the nursery window and it was open and a woman was looking at a newborn baby - mama asked her if the baby was a relative and she said no...she said that it was a friend of hers who got mixed up with the wrong people and moved here from Arizona and was 22 years old...now isn't that a big coincedence - being from a Arizona being 22 and being in a small rural town..anyway several people saw the girl my husband was with and they all said she didn't look pregnant - she has only been in Georgia since September...anyway I mentioned that to my husband tonight and he said he could assure me that she did not have a baby..but he thought that was odd also.

Pages