letting go

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
letting go
7
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 2:42am

Hi everyone,


I have just found this site and am hoping that someone can give me some advice. I need to know how I can let go of the past, how I can let go of the wonderful man I married that does not exist anymore, other than in my head.


My life has been turned upside down in the past 2 1/2 years. I have gone from having it all to just about losing it all. I had an amazing husband , two kids and a rich lifestyle with the cars and home and travel. I truly felt blessed and appreciated everything. My husband worked all day at his office and then all night at home but when we was with us he was the best husband and father.


We have been married for 23 years. We married young and were very close until that day 2 1/2 years ago when he came home and told me that he had been caught stealing money from his employees. To cut a very long story short he had been taking commissions and using it to pay bills. He started doing it because the business was in trouble and he did not want to upset me or change our lifestyle. At first he would take the money,pay bills and then later on pay the money back. Then it got out of hand and he lost track of how much he was taking. The business became more and more in trouble and our family life started to suffer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
In reply to: sadnlonely2
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 10:21am

I am so sorry to hear of whats happening to you. 23 yrs is such a long time and to see the demise of someone you love along with your kids being witness is an incredibly tough thing to witness. I applaud that you stood as long as you did. I know it must be hard to move out and leave him since finacially what is he going to do. How do you leave a person when he is down?


But I believe there comes a point when you have to force yourself to love yourself. If you feel like you have exhausted every resource but most importantly helping him find the right kind of help like therapy...intense therapy!! Its like someone with a drug problem. At least if you leave and you know you have done everything you could to make it better it may help (slightly) letting go. The saying you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink is so true. He may not be aware

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
In reply to: sadnlonely2
Wed, 06-18-2008 - 7:02pm

OMG, when I read your post I saw myself and my situation...probably the closest to my situation I have read since I started on this board. I have been married for 25 years and 1 1/2 years ago my husband was charged with fraud and theft (he was stealing money from work, justified it all as well for things around the house etc.) I stuck by him for the first eight months, but discovered that he had been lying to me about a lot of things. His spending never changed, he did lose his job, I struggled to make ends meet, but his spending (from his cashed in pension) spiralled out of control.

He denied spending even when the bank statements showed the money and where it went. He was drinking uncontrollably, having delusions etc., and I had him removed from the matrimonial home in January. I have been on a roller coaster since then (well since before then) and wonder how I couldn't have seen any of the signs, and I still don't know where all the money went--it certainly didn't go to me or the kids, our finances were in ruin. He too ran up bills all over the place (which he did clear when he cashed in his pension), but he continues to spend over $1500 a month on living expenses--even though he lives with his mother and isn't paying any rent, I'm still paying for his cell phone and car insurance, so all he requires is food :S Go figure.

I have been trying to get the house in my name, and in the meantime, he has gone to AA for his alcoholism (took three months after he was removed for him to admit he needed help). He too, wants to preserve the marriage. I filed for separation as soon as I had him removed. I knew I could never trust him again. He never hit me, but he damaged property here. He appears remorseful and people keep telling me that he does love me, but I know how manipulative he is now. Funny how you can't see things when you are smack dab in the middle, but once you are removed from the situation, things become much clearer.

I would suggest you get another place to live, or get him out of the house. It is much easier when they aren't around 24/7. I know you wish he would snap out of it, but he probably is not going to. And even if he does, the best predictor of the future is the past. I know that I could never trust my STBX again, but it doesn't mean it isn't hard to let go. Some days are worse than others. I am surrounding myself with my family and my friends who are supportive. I am also re-discovering the "old" me, which I didn't even know was hidden!

We want to stand by our friends when they screw up, but when they continually show us their "true" personalities, it is difficult to remain. I would also suggest to you to look up personality disorders--particularly narcissism (don't know if I spelled it right), and if he drinks, the behaviours he is exhibiting are for sure associated with alcoholism. Keep in touch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
In reply to: sadnlonely2
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 8:59pm

Thank you so much ladies for all of your kind words and support. Honestly, until I read your words I felt like I was the only one in this kind of situation.


I wish I could leave, I really do. I am mentally and physically exhausted with all of the lies and apathy. I am tired of asking him to change, I am tired seeing him starve himself. I am just so tired. This week alone we have had our gas and our electric cut off. I had to stay in a hotel last night with the kids and it felt nice to be away from him, then

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
In reply to: sadnlonely2
Thu, 06-19-2008 - 9:34pm

Hey sadnlonely
It's good you are reaching out, you are in a really hard place now. I know how hard it is when you are going through having no control of your finances because he has screwed them around. Try and hang in there, you are not alone in this...I am going through the same thing except I have a good job and am able to carry on and pay all the bills...funny how I am able to pay them and when we had two incomes it was tough.

Anyways, I am assuming you are in the US, check into some help there, not sure what it is called but we have support for people in your situation in Canada. And there must be some help for you with your cancer. Access whatever you can!!

Geeze, we really don't deserve this crap, but when we are dealt it we need to rise to the occasion and push on...please keep pushing on sadnlonely!! And do keep posting here, it is a great place for support!!

ps BIG HUGSSSSSS

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
In reply to: sadnlonely2
Sat, 06-21-2008 - 10:36am
Oh sister girl I am sorry that you and the kids had to go thru that kind of eye opening time. You know that you can move forward, IF YOU WANT TO! Just tell your self the truth you loved the life you had and the man you made up in your head. That is what we all do. We don't see what they really are just that the are a MAN! The other gender. We need to see the truth about them: did you forget the bad things about him, the fact that he hurt your kids, messed up your life style, the sex is gone and maybe it was not so good if you really think about it (if it was think about all the other bad things that came along with that). Talk to your self and ask you this, DO I STILL LOVE HIM BECAUSE I MADE HIM A WONDERFUL MAN IN MY HEAD OR DID HE MAKE HIMSELF WONDERFUL TO ME ALL BY HIMSELF? If you made him which most of us do un-make him. Put him back to the way he was before you then look at all the bad parts and keep them fresh in your head hold on to that. If he made his self then remember that love is how you feel you should have been treated and he just does not
Suga
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2008
In reply to: sadnlonely2
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 12:12am

I am so sad today because I have had yet another weekend of misery and the usual shouting match going over the same old crap. I repeat myself over and over...you can't change what you don't acknowledge, nobody can help you unless you help yourself first, if you wanted to make things better then you would make the changes that your family wants to see...blah blah blah. Thankfully the kids were out but again tonight we are at it again. \


I have begun to hate him, he says the same things, I say the same things and we get nowhere. On top of all of the other crap is the starving himself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2008
In reply to: sadnlonely2
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 10:16am

My friend you need to have a different approch. 1st stop opening your mouth just you don't like what he saids. Come at him a different way. Look to your wonderful self and calm down try it and see how it works. You are a care giver and you are mothering him. Get off your butt and hit the internet frin a support group that will help you cope with that man. Then go to the book store and get a book called It's So Hard To Love You. This book will help you to understand how you are hurting yourself and the kids with this behavor. Always remember we help those that are dependent on to lean in comfort on us sometimes to the point of no return for them. Push back and put some of the problem back on him if just a little while so you can read and understand how to work this out for you and the kids.

Suga