letting go

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
letting go
3
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 7:07pm

Hello,

I've only been married a few years but I've been with my husband for about 13 years. He is my best friend. I recently asked for a divorce because I realized that I got married for all the wrong reason. I was settling and even though I wasn't happy with the relationship, I went forward with it anyway. Like I said, he is my best friend. I love him like a family member. Throughout our years together we've had a lot of great times but there was never any passion or romance. Anyway, we own a house together and neither one of us can afford to move out until the house is sold so we are living together but separately. Obviously this is really uncomfortable. He doesn't want the divorce but I haven't changed my mind. I think the hardest part will be to say goodbye to someone who has been a constant in my life for all of my adult years. He's been my go-to guy and he's done nothing wrong. He has suggested counseling but I know that won't change my mind.On the one hand I look forward to the future but on the other hand it breaks my heart to leave him.

Thanks for reading

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: lilyfay
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 9:25pm

I saw your reply to another post (you replied to my follow-up post, rather than to the original poster :-)). Anyway, I assume from your post here that you do not have children ... that makes things "easier" in that you don't have to weigh the cost to them of the divorce.

I also assume you and your husband have both worked very hard at "saving" the marriage, through counseling or other efforts (there are good programs and workshops out there).

If you both know you gave the marriage everything you had and it still fails, then sometimes divorce can free two people to become the best people they can be whereas staying in the marriage does not permit them to be the best person they can be.

For me, it comes down to that. Marriage involves a commitment and that commitment should only be broken for the most profound reasons whether or not there are children involved.

As for living separately in the same home. It can be done. My stbx and I have tolerated each other for more than 6 months now. He moves out in two weeks.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2007
In reply to: lilyfay
Mon, 06-25-2007 - 10:09pm
Hello.....I am just sending a be careful message.....I asked for a separation from my husband/best friend of 23 years about a year ago. We actually did have a passionate and romantic marraige for about 19 of those years, but menopause and anxiety around travel (me), made our relationship very strained and neither of us was too happy, we became like brother and sister. I am 55, he 60.....he did not want to leave. After marraige counseling and careful consideration, I thought I would be fine with a seperation, fine with him dating, finding someone that he would be happy with, and that we could remain close family and best friends.....but when he fell in love with a woman 20 years younger, within 6 weeks, who fell in love with him back, and they traveled together to Paris 2 months later, it absolutely threw me into a state of panic and deep depression. I had NO IDEA I would feel that way. I am now drowning in a sea of sorrow and regret. I really thought I would never have my passion/hormones "back" but let me tell you, I have a completely different perspective NOW. I have found my love bigger than my fear of travel, and got medical help with menopausal issues......I urge you to move cautiously. However if there has been little passion or romance ever, and there is no physical or medical reason for that, perhaps you should divorce, and try to find it, because it is truly wonderful to love like that. .... I did....and never will again. I don't know how old you are but let me tell you, if you are a woman over 50, you are in competition with a vast amount of 40-somethings that are looking for any man 40 to 60, and my experience has been if your over 50, men are rarely interested.......you are in for a very stressful time. Good luck to you lilyfay. ...Shivani
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: lilyfay
Mon, 07-02-2007 - 5:15pm
Well, you've got 13 years invested.... counseling doesn't always have to have the goal of changing your mind.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~