Letting go

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Letting go
5
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 5:33am

Why can't I just let it go? My marriage has never been great. During the 28 years we were together, the best we ever had was peaceful coexistence. The worst, well, that was pretty bad. Yet, I can't let it go.

I keep wanting to go back. Back to what? A mutually miserable existence with each of us fighting for what little scraps we could get from the other one? Back to a loveless relationship that was never going to improve? Back to the endless merry go round that is alcoholism/co-depenency?

What is wrong with me? I should be marching forward but I feel myself being tugged back. Which is doubly stupid since it was he who left me and he's happily moving on with his life. Sometimes I just don't understand myself.

Edited to correct word usage and spelling.




Edited 6/8/2007 11:52 am ET by gr8fulmom1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: gr8fulmom1
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:53am

gr8fulmmom1...

Pianoguy (who is going through a similar situation which involves relocating) knows EXACTLY how you are feeling!

It's much more difficult to let go of a security blanket...even if it has holes in it...as opposed to venturing out into the UNKNOWN! Simply because with the security blanket, you know how things will continue day-after-day...while the unknown presents you with "challenges" you might find difficult to handle?

Please re-read the 2nd paragraph of your post. Whether you know it or not, you've given yourself more reasons for leaving and starting over than ANY IVILLAGER can provide? Take a chance and MAKE THE CHANGES THAT YOU NEED!

Best wishes and warm thoughts..

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: gr8fulmom1
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 8:13am

{{{HUGS}}}

I think Pianoguy said it well.

Familiar pain is sometimes less stressful than unfamiliar .... that's just it ... it is totally unfamiliar and could involve pain of a different kind, like being without your kids for extended periods as you have already discovered.

And there is the loss of security (two incomes) etc.

Ok, I am not helping, just giving you more reasons to grieve.

And that is what we all do grieve and regret and remember the good times and ... nostalgia, almost.

I have been wondering if my stbx would want to reconcile and at this point I would be in a tough spot in reconsidering, even though he initiated it. He has patterns and habits which are self-destructive and have huge financial, physical and emotional consequences. I just don't know if it would be wise for me to take all that back on, even though I didn't initiate the divorce.

I think the same is true for you ... your stbx brings such self-and other-destructive behavior ... is he/the marriage worth that price?

Hugs again!

I am sorry. It seems we all most grieve and it lasts a long time.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
In reply to: gr8fulmom1
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 11:54am
You're right. Familiar pain is predictable. What I go through now is not. I know what I need to do. I know what I'd tell a friend to do but it is hard. Grieving always is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
In reply to: gr8fulmom1
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 11:56am
Well said. I guess I do view my marriage as a tattered security blanket. It wasn't comfortable and it didn't provide warmth but it's all I've known for so long. I guess I want another security blanket but it would be a mistake to try and find one. I need to just give up my security blanket and find myself. That is hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: gr8fulmom1
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 2:11pm


Yep, it's hard but well worth it. Hang in there and go slow. You know, when I look back now on everything, I found that just when it seemed the worse, something would happen in my life that would make me keep pushing forward. Once you get through this, you won't believe how strong you are and how much you have changed.

With a long history of being married like ours, it is difficult even to fanthom another life. You will, though. It will be different, but it will be what you want to make it, not planning your life around someone elses needs.

I have a few girlfriends that were in long time marriages like ours. One just got remarried, two others bought houses and are enjoying life. We all got on with our lives and are pretty content. We still have all the problems of dealing with our kids, finances, the x occasionally etc., but somehow you just realize it one day that those things will always be there, so you work on just taking care you and enjoy those that want to participate in it.