Letting Go

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Letting Go
5
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 12:24pm

*Huge Relenting Sigh*

Hello there! I found these message boards a few days ago and have been lurking through them trying to find the best one that suits me. I'm not even sure this is the right location for me, but since my life is headed toward divorce I'll give it a try. I'm sorry, in advance, that this is so long, but you need to know some background info and current info to give good advice.

First off, from what I'm reading, it seems like many of you are the "dumpees" and not the "dumpers" but I am the dumper! I just want to say I can totally relate to what some of you are posting b/c that is what I have told my stbxh. Maybe I can offer some insight to some of you from that perspective.

Background

We got together when I was 14 and he was 17 - I'll be 31 on Saturday. We've been married for just over 10 years now. We have 3 girls - 2 of them are ours and 1 is my niece we've been raising for 3 years (she'll be going back to her mother some day), ages 9, 5 (niece), and 4. I've been unhappy in my marriage for 5 years and he's known it. I've mostly been very honest with my stbx. He's known I've been unhappy and didn't do anything for 2 of the 5 years. At which point, I looked elsewhere. I had never known any other man or relationship besides him. I decided I for sure wanted the divorce. It was mainly an emotional affair as it was long distance. I asked for divorce 3 times. I finally took action with the other person in May '04. I told my husband at the same time and I re-iterated I wanted a divorce. He finally GOT IT after I told him about the affair and decided to put all he had into saving our marriage. I never planned on hiding the affair or keeping it a secret. He was devastated. Not trying to make excuses, but I was, at the time, suffering from severe depression. I felt like my marriage was a complete failure (before I cheated), I had no job (just graduated college) and no means of escaping the situation I was in. I felt stuck. I decided to give it a year and work very hard on my marriage to repair it and try to make things better. We always had the mentality of "divorce is not an option." Things got better for a little while, and then he went back to focusing all his time and attention on work. We never take vacations, never date, never do anything together no matter how much I ask. He professes his undying love to me and always has.

Leading to Divorce

For about the past year or so I just had the mentality of, "Oh well, he'll always love me more than I love him and he's a good dad so suck it up and deal with it woman!"

I finally realized a few things. One being he is completely co-dependent on me. He does nothing but go to work. I do EVERYTHING else. I keep the house, take care of the kids, his grandmother (who is 91 and has lived with us for over 4), work a full time job, cook, and try to clean in my "free" time, and pay all the bills. He never helped me with most of that stuff. He would occasionally help me clean and he's always willing to help watch his kids (which some men aren't).

The other thing I realized is I was treating him like crap - speaking down to him, disrespectfully - just like my mother! Because my dad was never there either (fireman). I don't know - but I wanted to break the cycle. My children were starting to speak down to him and that was not good! He deserves a woman that loves him and is devoted to him! Our sex life was not up to my satisfaction and he knew this. I have a very high drive. His "ignoring" behavior really had me feeling low - self esteem wise. I can't explain everything in 16 years of being with someone to you in just a few paragraphs, but I finally realized I needed to work on ME. I needed to focus on ME. I was near a nervous breakdown. I had a huge situation at my job (and lost it), I was separating from my husband, my children were being involved, my whole world came crashing down around me in October 2006.

Even though it was my decision, it's still hard to finally say the words and then to perform the action. It's not easy to tell someone you care about that you don't love them anymore and your not "in love" with them anymore. We grew apart and want two different things out of life and he never listens to me.

*Sigh* I've been gone since December. I even left the kids with him mostly because I was not stable enough to take them. I have the 4 year old and have had her for around a month now. My oldest is trying to finish out the schoolyear before I take her. I had to move about 45 mins. away from them for work. I found a job working with my mom but it was quite a distance away. I'm lucky that my parents have a piece of rental property that needs some repair so I'm staying there free of rent.

He makes more money than I at the moment. He has been devoted to his job more than our marriage but he says it was all for us....I do understand that, but it's too late in my eyes. I feel nothing for him anymore other than a friendship. He was like a roommate to me nearing the end before I left. I'm very saddened for our children. He involves them way more than he should, but I cannot tell him what to say or do. He's a grown man. I just have to let them know that we both love them no matter what. Taking his babies away from him is the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. They've only ever known their mommy and daddy and he's never been away from them. It kills me inside. However, it doesn't kill me enough to go back to that life anymore. I really and truly feel no romantic love for him. He asked me to give him a farewell kiss the other night - I haven't kissed him in a LONG time. I agreed. I felt absolutely nothing inside of me at all. I cried. It's hard because he's a good man and a great father, but there's just nothing there for me.

He is heartbroken AGAIN. He is in denial. He thinks I will come home. He hopes I will come back. I've told him time and time again I am not with him, we are not together. I have not led him on in any way, but he refuses to let go of me. We did see a counselor together and then he continued some as well but is not currently seeing anyone.

The Kicker

Well, the kicker of it all, is I am seeing someone. I've been seeing this person since October and I told my stbx that I wanted to see someone else. It all happened around the same time, but I did NOT leave him for another man! That's what he thinks in his mind and tells everyone else. I had already been deciding on leaving him and did not plan on meeting someone or anything of that nature. It just happened! I always read that in my younger years and thought, "Whatever, how does it just HAPPEN?!" But I told him I met someone at a conference and wanted to see more of that person. I told him this because he asked. I cannot lie. I'm a terrible liar and that's the one thing I have been with him is honest.

I have my own issues, like anyone. I know that I shouldn't have left him and started seeing someone else right away. I KNEW that in my mind, but in my heart it was different. How do you tell yourself not to feel something for someone? We had a very strong connection when we met and yes there was kissing, making out involved, but I did not have sex with him. That really is all besides the point now. We have an amazing relationship and I am extremely happy with this other man. He makes me feel like the most beautiful, amazing woman on the planet (which I am)! I've lost 20 pounds since we met and I continue to lose weight because I'm happy and healthy. I'm eating right and exercising and FINALLY doing things I love to do. I've gone camping twice - something I haven't been able to do in YEARS! I am spending time outdoors, and by the water, ocean, lake, parks....I'm enjoying my life, for once! I take my girls with me. I have them most weekends. They have met this other person and they know we are together. It's not exactly how I would have liked it to come out and I hate that they are forming a relationship with him, but he is completely devoted to me and I to him. I have NEVER felt this way about anyone in my life - granted he's my third so I don't have a lot to compare to, but I still NEVER felt the way I feel about him with my ex. That also was hard on me!

Let me wrap this up for you all -- I'm sorry if I rambled some. Mainly I need help/advice with my ex. He's not letting go. He's not wanting to see that I'm not coming back to him. He's staying in our home (we rent 1 property but own another) that we rent that is costly because he has dreams that I will go home. It's my birthday this Saturday and he wanted to buy me something. I said I wish he wouldn't---something he rarely did was buy me gifts. I didn't get anniversary, birthday, Christmas, mother's day, valentine's day gifts from him often in the 10 years of marraige. He messaged me today saying to be free on Sunday. Apparently, he bought Cirque-de-Soleil Tickets for us to go---US---him and I. First off, I told him that my family was having a birthday party on Sunday and that I didn't think it appropriate to go with him to an event. That my "new man" wouldn't appreciate it one bit. That really pissed him off, which I expected. He got sad and angry. He got sad that he didn't know about my family birthday party which I just got confirmed yesterday, and then he was angry about me not wanting to go with him. However, whether I'm with someone else or not, I do not feel like sitting beside him at a performance for 2 hours. I asked him if he had childcare arranged, and he did not. This was on a whim. It cost nearly $200. I told him I hoped he could return them. He called me and whined and griped at me for a little bit while I'm here at work and finally we hung up. I let him do this. I let him vent when he feels the need, because he needs to get angry. He needs to realize I'm not coming home. He needs to understand that I'm not with him anymore. Well, then he sent me an "f-u" text and another that really hurts my heart, "Goodbye, I hope God, ur grandfather and my mother 4give ur sinful soul cause lord knows i never will. Bye!"

His mother and my grandfather are deceased in case you didn't get that. I don't know, maybe it's called for. Maybe I deserve it. I feel so guilty as it is. I have a lot of guilt for hurting him and hurting our family. However, I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing. I have weighed this back and forth a LOT and finally realized how happy I am without him. He just can't let go of me. Most men would be like, "F-u, good riddance beeyatch" but he's not like that. I don't wish that on me, but I just wish to keep it as peaceful as possible. I would never, have never, and hope to never speak ill of him around our children. He's their father. He, on the other hand, does say things about me he shouldn't. I don't think he speaks ill of me, but he says things that aren't appropriate for a 5 year old to be repeating to me and our nearly 10 year old daughter. I just don't know what to do with him anymore. He will always be a part of my life, but I'd like to see him trying to be happy and trying to live and enjoy life. Not continuing to wallow and be all "woe is me" after 6 months. *SIGH*

I do feel like an evil person sometimes. I do feel sinful. I do wish that one day he (my stbx) could forgive me for all the pain I've caused him. I would never want to hurt another human being the way I've hurt him. It makes me sad thinking about all the pain I've caused. I TRIED! I Tried for 5 years, I tried! How long am I supposed to suffer? How long should I remain unhappy? Till the kids are grown? Till I'm about to retire? I don't know, but I am an Aries---a free, independent spirit---I cannot lie to my soul by remaining in a life I'm not happy in. I never believed in divorce! I used to scoff the stats 3 out of 4 marriages end in divorce...not mine baby! Look at me now. I used to have a strong relationship with God, but then it just drifted, I drifted away.

I'm sure some of you feel my pain, but many of you probably think - Good for her! Ha! She's got guilt, darn straight she should have guilt - she's a sinful soul like he said. If you feel that way, please don't respond. I don't need to be beat down anymore today. I really only could use some encouragement. Of course, I can't tell people what to do, so if you feel you must - I'll take it like a good girl...lol.

I will say that I have laughed and enjoyed my life more these past few months than I have in a very long time. I have missed being 'in love' with someone. I missed the joy and encouragement that being in love brings. I know that many of you are suffering and your hearts have been ripped to shreds, but believe me if the other person, whom you do/did love, left you, stop grieving now! They did you a favor! Why would you want to stay in a relationship where you know that they don't love you! Yes, you will fall on hard times for awhile. Yes, you will be sad and hurt and ache, but just know in your heart, that you will find love again! Someone will make you feel like your spouse never did. When that day comes you might feel some sadness for spending all the time wallowing in self pity. It's hard not to, but try to enjoy your life, regardless of your situation. I try living my life to the fullest - day to day - because you never know what tomorrow may bring. I still am sad. I still cry, a lot sometimes. I am still suffering inside too, for the loss of a 16 years with a man, for my children, for feeling like a failure, and an evil adultering woman. But, I know in my heart I'm a good person, a good mother, a good friend.....times are just hard.

Thank you in advance for reading my novel. I'm sorry it was so long. I had a lot to say apparently and some of it was therapeutic for me. Thank you for your replies - good or bad - they bring me strength either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
In reply to: freeatlast07
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 12:49pm

I don't want to type my own novel here, but if you go back through this board over the last week or so, take a look at my posts. I think you'll find we have some similarities. I'm still in my marriage, but I feel like a separation is almost iminent, especially if counseling doesn't work. I have a great job and have no interest in meeting anyone else. My daughter is the world to me. I learned my lesson with the shortlived affair back in 2001. Every couple months, including last night, the my stbx's hurt boils over and he is furious and crying. He won't forgive me and won't let it go. He also doesn't seem to understand how his horrible treatment over the years prior was an indirect cause. I admit full responsibility for my actions though I guess it's even though, because he says I don't understand him either. When I told me H about feelings for the other guy, he tried everything he could to get me to stay. But it was too late. Our daughter was born later that year (H's daughter for sure) and it seemed like it solidified things, but it's obvious it did not. I also used to be more conservative and religious, but for a number of reasons this isn't the case anymore. In a lot of cases, we were probably "good girls" who went downhill in a way. It's not like we're looking to sleep around. I wasn't in it for sex, I'm guessing like most of us. We needed love, a connection, etc.

Thank you for sharing your story which was much like mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
In reply to: freeatlast07
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:24pm

Thank you for reading my novel...lol.

I will be happy to read through your recent posts, and reply as well.

I thought 5 years ago when I got pregnant with my baby (who's now 4) that we could make things work and I stayed in the marriage. I tried to get him to understand I needed more from him than just a paycheck and he just didn't get it. My first affair (the physical aspect) was also shortlived - 1 week. We talked on the phone constantly for several months before we met. I realized I was just missing the affection and communication and it just filled a void I had. I loved the attention he lavished on me, but I really wanted to try and work on my marriage one more time!

I can say 3 years ago I had no hope. I was devastated at the thought my marriage was over and I was very very low. I didn't think we could repair our marriage. I didn't think I could get over the hurt he'd caused me and I really didn't think our sex life would ever get better (it was horrible during that time). I asked everyone and nobody could tell me one way or another whether it could get better or I could love him again. Well I'm here to say IT CAN get better. If both people want to work on it, it can get better. EVERYTHING can be healed with time. You just have to be 100% honest and open with communication with each other. I hope therapy can work for you. Therapy was somewhat helpful for us, but just spending time together, talking, helped more than anything.

We overcame so much and I worked so hard to try to love him like I should. Things were good for awhile. Then I realized we were just living day to day again; he my paycheck provider, me running everything else---running myself into the ground and exhausting my physical, mental, spiritual, emotional self. I finally had enough. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done to move away from him and my children. Every time I'm around them together it kills me a little inside b/c I do miss that parents/children relationship. However, there is no romantic relationship. My children had never really seen us kiss or hold hands and I hate that! I want them to see their mother happy, smiling, enjoying life, kissing and holding hands with another man that does the same, that pampers her, treats her right, helps her with the chores such as cleaning house and paying bills, etc. I just want them to see more out of a relationship. I don't want my girls thinking it's okay to speak down to men. I don't want them to think it's okay to not ever kiss or hug or hold hands with the one you love. I don't want them to think it's okay to nag and whine all the time. It's NOT okay! I want them to learn to love a man and that when you love someone you treat them right and they treat you right! All they were seeing is their mother griping and nagging their father all the time and him being very sad. Well, he sure is heck is sad now, but he was also sad before. He made "THE FACE" that horrible "puppy dog face" all the time and I couldn't stand the face. I couldn't stand that I was the reason for the face most of the time either.

*sigh* Things are better for me, but he's still coping. I worry about him. It's hard because we have so much history together and more than half of my life I've been with the man. But, that's NOT reason enough to stay together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2007
In reply to: freeatlast07
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:38pm

Well, I have good news for you. I am about 4 years a head of you and my story is very similar to yours. I understand the two ends of the spectrum that pulls you. Joy, happiness, and freedom are on one side-extreme guilt on the other. I too was guilty for the “break up” of our family. I was also with my ex from the time I was 16 until I was 30. I was also the one who wanted something more out of life. I still wanted my girls but I didn’t love him and I didn’t want to e married to him.

I held on to my guilt for way too long. I wanted him to be better so I didn’t have to feel guilty any longer. I allowed him to “vent” and say the rudest things to me. Subconsciously I guess I thought it would get to the point that if he bashed me enough he would forgive me. It never happened. The more I let him vent, the more hurt I got and the more guilt I carried around. He wouldn’t let go and in a way by waiting for him to forgive me, I couldn’t let go and truly move on.

I finally gave up. I didn’t deserve to be “vented” at any longer. I decided that I was no longer responsible for his actions. Every situation in life has good that comes from it. He had a choice, look for the good and move on or be wrapped up in his in ability to forgive and revenge.

I was the one who finally let go and you can too. Your ex purchased the tickets for your birthday with his own agenda; you don’t need to feel guilty. This is your opportunity to create new boundaries. You need to concentrate your thoughts on you, your kids, your job, and your new relationship. Forgive yourself. It is ok that you want more from life. Your kids will be better off and so will your ex, if he chooses.

Practice being the person you want to be. Let go of making him feel better and make yourself feel better. He will go through his own “stuff” and that will be between him and God. Reconnect yourself with God. You have something pulling you on a new path and it is OK. You deserve to be happy, so do your kids, and so does your ex. Don’t listen to other people, listen to your instincts. I believe that your instincts are where God speaks to you.

This time period is filled with loss that needs to be grieved by everyone involved. However, once you are done, feel better and be proud of your decision to make a better life. You taught your girls the power of choice. It is never too late to start over. Embrace the good that is happening to you and feel your joy. Stay away from thoughts of guilt. They are a waste of time. Let go and let God handle your ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
In reply to: freeatlast07
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:08pm

jjj27---

So you are 4 years ahead, and where are you? I'm mostly a lurker but your post was VERY encouraging. I told H papers are on the way but he's dying inside and sorta in denial, for some reason he hasn't been served yet but our seperation court date is 5/29. Still living together, but the guilt of me not loving him anymore, even though he's said some VERY hurtful & unimagineable things to me The guilt is still there for ripping his family apart and he claims I'll be doing and taking his D away from him, etc.. I have a very promising future with the kids and someday...the love of my life, an old love, we never ended what we had 8 years ago, we never moved on but due to circumstances beyond our control at the time we had to try. He secretly never gave up hope that we'd be together, even after he knew I had a baby. We've talked everyday for 2 years and there is so so much fighting and nasty memories with my H that I know I could never feel passion or deep love for him the way he feels for me. Thank you so much for the inspiration. If your not to busy I'm sure we'd like to hear more of your story...when you actually left, how did H handle it and how long before you dated openly or dated at all and how old your kids were when you left. Thanks,
living

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
In reply to: freeatlast07
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:31pm

All I can say is WOW. I know there are people out there that experienced things like myself (to a certain extent), but we do sound similar.

Thank you for your reply! It meant so much to me and I took it all to heart very much so. Thank you jjj!