Letting go of old hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Letting go of old hurt
13
Thu, 01-13-2005 - 10:53am

I have learned so much from all of you ladies who "speak" through this board. It's nice to know that others have survived and overcome some of the problems that are currently occurring with my family.

So I'm asking for experience and advice on how to "get over" and "move on" from the hurt feelings and betrayal from my failed marriage. My ex remarried 6 months ago and he goes on and on about how wonderful this new woman is. He apparently treats her enormously better than he ever treated me during our marriage. My kids are even noticing this based on their comments to me. It's really hard, but I am keeping myself from asking any questions about their relationship. My little one "spills the beans" all the time--apparently ex went all out for new wife's recent birthday. DD noticed it was more than he had ever done for me, I think she thought my feelings would be hurt. She was right. I made sure my response was noncommittal. I guess he did learn from his mistakes; I just wish it had been in time for "us". I really did want the dream of the forever, good marriage and I really did love that man once. Such a waste!

You know, I wasn't jealous when he married, cause no way in @!$# did I want him now, but I'm just so sad that apparently he had a "good husband" in him--he just didn't want to show him to me. I know intellectually that this is all HIS problem, not really anything to do with me. However, I find I still feel "less than" and wonder what was wrong with me that he couldn't be nice to me.

I wonder how we move what we know intellectually to what we really FEEL? I know intellectually that I shouldn't expect life to be fair, but in my heart, I'm so disappointed. Do ya'll have any suggestions or does it just take time?

Down in the dumps today...I want to move out of this self-pity party.
Cupcake

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 4:27am

hey honey. first of all - it does take time. but let me let you in on a little secret: no matter WHAT your husband is now saying/doing/appearing - you absolutely DON'T KNOW what is REALLY going on his life. even if the kids see things. trust me. we may think that other people have the 'perfect' life - but then it turns out that it was all a farce.


so hold on to that thought <> - YOU know what and who he really is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 10:03am

Thanks, you're absolutely correct. What appeared good on the outside was merely a false front covering a corrupt interior. I need to keep reminding myself...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Fri, 01-14-2005 - 12:57pm

Cupcake,

Don't worry about your ex. I don't know much about your story, but it's normal for people to try harder in the beginning of a relationship. Coming from an abusive relationship, I know that's ESPECIALLY true of abusers. There's no use in dwelling on something if it doesn't make you happy! You deserve to be happy! Melissa

Melissa

Woof! (Dog)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 1:02pm
Thanks, Melissa, I think so too.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Sat, 01-15-2005 - 10:35pm

You will probably think it's unlikely but...maybe he has changed. Maybe he has matured, and maybe he learned from your marriage just as you would probably say YOU have learned. That doesn't mean "good husband" would have emerged if you had stayed wtih him. It means he learned from the marriage and the divorce and his past experiences and his past has turned him into who he is today.

Trust me, it's not all that much more comforting when you have tried, married, left them, put yourself and kids through heck, and they STILL don't get it. i mean, this is just not a "win" situation, whether he changes or not.

jen :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2005
Mon, 01-17-2005 - 11:04pm

Did you get any replies/feedback? You see - this is my first time logging onto something like this - and when I saw your tagline - I thought maybe you'd have the same advice you were seeking. Then I saw what you wrote and I swore it was like reading about my own situation and it was rather shocking. It is still too painful togo into details - but sounds very similar. Let's just say that my divorce was official November 2004 and my ex will be remarried in May 2005 . . .

I never got to enjoy the days of being a new mom. My ex informed me when we were pregnant with our second child that he wanted a divorce. He moved out when Jacob was 3 months old and Camaron was only 21 months old - so its been tough.

So, did you get any good advice???

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 2:56pm

Hi Nikki

I think so...I feel better after reading what the other women wrote. I work very hard to stay out of the "poor me" attitude. The loss of my marriage dream needs to be grieved but it requires effort for me to not stay in a negative frame of mind. I can't change the past (or other people for that matter). All I can control is my own thoughts and actions and I look for assistance for that from this group. It does help.

I'm sorry you have to go throught this pain with babies. That must be especially hard. I was married for 19 years--my youngest was 6YO then. I now realize I stayed in that emotional wasteland far too long, but like alot of women, I thought I could endure the loneliness/emotional abuse "in the best interests of the children"...I was wrong.

My ex always spoke of long-single or divorced people with scorn and disdain--I suppose he's too insecure to appreciate anyone not exactly like him. So, I fully expected my ex to remarry just as soon as he could find someone desperate enough to take him on, but man, it still hurts me that losing me didn't hurt him...does that make sense? The speed with which it all occurred makes me wonder if he ever really did love me? However, there is no sense in beating myself up over the past or what I perceive as wasted time.

I guess we both have to work really hard to make a better future for ourselves.

Good luck to you...maybe since your children are so little, they won't remember Mommy & Daddy together. You can't miss what you never knew.

Take care,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 9:32pm
You must have been in my head! I have been feeling the same way. My ex moved his "friend" in one week after the divorce. He tells me to "get over it". But I still care for him. I didn't leave our life together, he did. And I having a really difficult time dealing with the emotions that are still very real and present even after 9 months. I want to move on, but the hurt is still very real.
I wish you luck and if you find out how to survive these feelings, let me know!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Mon, 01-24-2005 - 9:41pm
Nikki,
Be glad your children are little. They won't remember the fights, the name calling, having to seperate their parents while fighting. And then they won't understand taking sides like older ones do. My three are 30,28, 23 and only one, the oldest who is married speaks to me, even tho he had the affairs, not me. I miss my two kids, they were my friends as well as my children. Never speak ill of your ex in front of them, it will come back to bite you in the end.
Good Luck
Chicken Little
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 01-25-2005 - 1:34pm

Hi chicken little--

I just keep reminding myself that he was and continues to be emotionally disabled...that in my mind is how he could hurt me so much and be so nonchalant about it all. I got the "get over it" too, how he has moved on and "replaced me" with younger, thinner, etc.

Now I take joy in in pleasing myself, making my own choices. This weekend, the kids (except for my teen son, who can't stand his Dad now) are with ex, so I am a FREE WOMAN, free to do as I please. I get to choose the TV channel, what movie to pick at the video store, choose my favorite flavor of ice cream. I'll do what pleases ME, no more what HE or the kids want me to do--at least for two days (LOL).

Even though I'm still hurt, I am convinced I'm better off without him. I was losing myself in that marriage.

Best of wishes to you in your new beginning.

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