Letting the kids see his girlfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Letting the kids see his girlfriend.
12
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:08pm

Someone help me.. I can't do anything without bursting into tears.

I'm trying so hard not to be the typical soon to be ex wife. My stbx left me for his current girlfriend. He decided for his own sake he'd like to drag this whole thing out and just remain married until he had enough money... basicly he wants to live his bachelor life.. movies, concerts, bars, video games, dates with his girlfriend.. ect ect.

We have two kids together(both are under the age of five). He moved out he's refused to help me pay for ANYTHING and he still wants me to let him see them.. (I make less money than him!.. I mean like ALOT less.) Recently he's started pushing me to let him have the kids around his girlfriend. He's complaining that his girlfriend is getting upset about me not "accepting her" and letting her see the kids.WHAT THE HELL. I said 'NO/GET A LAWYER' basicly.

Well he hasn't and I met with my possible divorce lawyer.. I know sooner or later I'm gonna have to let go and let him have the kids around her. God I feel like I'm breaking.. she took my husband and now she wants my kids.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:21pm

Hugs to you,

To start with, I bet his relationship is doomed if she is fussing about you. Its only going to get worse on her end, so I frankly don't think she is going to last long.

I convinced my STBX that he should wait until we are truly divorced before introducing the GF to my kids(he already has a wedding date set for DEC!!). I hope he will hold to that agreement. My kids are old to realize what is going on, yours probably aren't, and you will ALWAYS be Mommy!!!!

I would get yourself to a lawyer and get temporary support orders in place, I waited because STBX assured me he would continue to support the family as usual, that didn't last long, and now I am struggling with whatever I had in my bank account. You need to started on that right now because it does take some time to get on the court calendar etc.

Its ok to be the typical 'ex', its time to get mad and get what you are entitled to according to the law.

M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:39pm

I agree with threenme... the relationship with the GF sounds doomed already.

I was in the same situation 4 years ago. Mine wouldn't file and seemed to just want to play and leave me hanging. I had been a stay at home mom and had no income. I found an attorney to help me get the papers filed and a temporary order for help paying the bills and such. I stood my ground and said no to the GF until the divorce was final. I couldn't do anything about the day time, but I got it in the temp order that he was not to have the kids overnight with the GF.

At any age it can be confusing to the kids and does create an emotional strain on them to have strangers in and out. If this relationship is doomed now, no sense in the kids being around her now.

Don't let the GF do any pushing. This is between you and stbx, and she should stay out until everything is final. He needs to communicate and parent with you, not her.

Find your attorney and do whatever you can. As for the GF... just say no.

Best of luck... I will keep you in my prayers. It is not an easy road, but you can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2007
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:46pm

OMG - you poor thing!!! And those poor kids. What a disgusting piece of work your ex is....I'd get to see a lawyer straight away. Do they have legal aid where you live, where I live it is means tested and you only pay what you can afford..Also I would make my H visit someone or talk to someone who deals with the emotional needs of children and let them tell him how bad it is for your children to be used as pawns in his game. Who cares what his girlfriend thinks, the main priority is the children but obviously not from his point of view. I wonder how his girlfriend would feel if the roles were reversed and her children were being paraded in front of some other woman for her fun and to make her feel loved and wanted. Honestly some people are despicable.

I'm so sorry things are so awful for you but I seriously think you need legal advice, not only to work out visitation with the children, even though he's an a*se he still has a right to see the kids and they need to see him, but also so that he can't ignore his responsibilities and help care for his children which means give you some money towards their upkeep.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 3:00pm

Here's the deal.... he's got to be accountable to his children for the rest of their lives (as do you).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:33pm

Hugs to you...

I know how hard it is.
But remember that once you see a lawyer, by law he cannot accept him as a client. SO go and see someone, and find someone you trust!!!
As for the GF, that is tough. You can explain, as kindly as you can, that her hurt feelings are not really your problem... it often does not work, but you can try. In the end, you can still ask him to refrain from introducing them up to divorce time....

On the money side, remember that alimony or child support are not paid to enable to see the kids... visitation rights are his no matter what!!! but so is the money. So if he does not pay - contact your lawyer. He can subpoena his salary (get the money from the employer directly...) if needed - shame on him!!!
the child support money is due to you to help pay for the kids. visitation is there to enable the kids to know their father.

Both are worthy goals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2006
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 11:24pm
On Tuesday I had a child support hearing and told the judge that I wasn't comfortable with my kids spending the night with my stbx and his girlfriend. The judge said he thought that was reasonable and wrote it in the order. In California, no less. I say at least try. What is it with men that they can't keep their skanky wh*re away from their children until they're actually divorced?? I'll never understand that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 4:30pm

I read through the other comments before I responded to you. Everyone has very good points. First off, I've got to tell you to get a lawyer. There are many who will give you a free consult and once you speak with them, STBX can not retain them. Second, do not to worry about being the typical soon to be ex wife. It is what it is and there are worse things in life to be. If you worry about anything, let it be you and your kids.

I am dealing with much the same thing right now. STBX left for another, who looks just like me, only 6 years younger. My ds (age 5) was introduced to GF (AKA the ho) 2 weeks ago, at Chucky Cheese's, without my knowledge or permission. DS is currently at his father's ho's house with STBX, the ho and her 3yr old kid. (STBX moved in with the ho he knocked up 2 weeks after he left our marriage.) My mom and I drove ds there (over an hour away) yesterday afternoon, for what was supposed to be his first overnight. (I am unable to drive due to recent hip replacement surgery). I wanted to be sure that her place was clean and safe for my ds to stay in. My point is, unfortunately, as others have told you, there isn't a really much you can do to control what your STBX does while he has the kids. Unless it is illegal, and you can prove it, he has the right to see them. All you can to for yourself and them is to be strong and try like heck not to trash their father in front of them. (That one is really really hard for me.) I know women who went through this as many as 30 years ago and their kids remember how dad treated mom and how mom treated dad during the divorce. Don't be the bad memory. That is what I am working toward.

My STBX is also not paying support on time. He didn't pay anything at all from August to end of the year, then I finally got about $700 out of him for past support due to mediation...it helped, but not much. Then, his first 2 payments were due the 1st and 15th of this month. I got the 1st one on the 5th and the 2nd yesterday. I can't wait until the direct deposit kicks in. The other poster was right, get a temporary order in line NOW...I didn't think I needed it either, but I also never thought I'd be going through a divorce.
It is tough, I am living off of my dwindling savings and on top of that, still can't work again until April, but I'll get through it. So will you. If you need to talk, give me a holler. Vent any time, ok?
HUGGGGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2007
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 8:06pm
The other side of the pancake. My son was with a girl for years. a child was born. I saw the baby almost everyday. They were not married. She worked, he took care of child. She met a guy on internet. Took off with baby. Moved 500 miles away. They had lived with me cause she lied about rent and got evicted. Long story short, left alot of bills for my son, he's still paying for . She uses the baby every chance she gets. I can,t even be in room if she's on the phone with him, or else he can't talk to his baby. He was dating a girl. She found out and said if he was with a girl, he couldn't talk to the baby. He's trying to get money for legal fees. But it's really hard. Especially since the baby is being hit. Just remember to treat your stbx, the same way you would want to be treated if the situation were reversed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 12:51am
When I was going through my divorce I asked for no female companions around my kids in my temporary orders. It was in effect until my divorce was final.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 1:07am
I know how you feel. I found out tonight that the day after we split stbx introduced and left my kids with his gf. Then

 

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