Liar!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
Liar!!!
5
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:27pm
My husband and I were fighting all the time and just before christmas he told me he wanted a divorce. I had been wanting one for a while but I wasn't ready to face the reality of it. Since then he has been a total and complete jerk. I wanted us to try to talk about things so that we could end things as cordially as possible, however, he apparently had a different agenda. We met several times for coffee and he fed me these lines about how he was enjoying being alone and how he thought he might even be gay. Well, I went to our old apartment to get some of my stuff this weekend and I found Valentine's gifts from this girl saying I Love You on them. I called him in a rage because the one thing I asked him to do was not to bring anyone to our apartment till I got all of my stuff out of there. He had her sleeping in my bed. I was so angry that I went to the apartment and removed the bed and all of the couch cushions so that he would have nowhere to sleep. Now I believe that he was probably cheating before we even broke up because he had changed his password to his voicemail and he stayed late at work several times. He still swears that he never cheated but it seems funny that he would already be in an "i love you" relationship and that he was ready to date two weeks after I moved out. I am so angry that he lied to me. I don't want to be back together with him by any means but I harbor extreme hostility towards him and think about revenge against him and the new GF. I don't know how to get past this anger that I am feeling. I feel like he should have respected me enough to not play house with his gf using my stuff and he should never have made up ridiculous stories about being happy alone or being gay. I feel like I am living in an alternate reality right now and I need some way to get past this. I feel like if I see either of them they will get slapped and that is not me at all. I have never done anything like that or harbored so much anger in my life. Any advice would be appreciated. I tried counseling but it didn't click for me. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: ithacagirl13
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 8:15am

Anger, rage, fury ... you name it, it is NORMAL! You will get past it ... slowly and in fits and starts (iow, you will be cool for a while and then it will hit again). My best remedies are 1) taking care of myself, 2) taking care of the business of the divorce, 3) being in a support group with others going through this, 4) *very* selectively talking with friends or family, but very selectively; people burn out fast on this stuff.

As for indiv. counseling ... keep shopping until you find someone with whom you do click!

Oh, and read. I haven't found too many good books, but look for some.

Hugs!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
In reply to: ithacagirl13
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 12:17pm
Hi there, I don't know too many people that would make up possibly being gay. He may really be struggling with his sexuality but is engaging in a heterosexual relationship right now.
I don't know-if I were the girlfriend I would want to know if the guy I was dating had mentioned that he might be gay. Maybe you could find a way to let her know that. Not out of a place of spite but just cuz it might be the right thing to do.
Just my thoughts.
M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
In reply to: ithacagirl13
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 2:43pm
He now says that he is not gay and that he just made that up in order to try to make me feel better. I don't know what to think anymore. When I told people that we were separated just about everyone asked me if it was because he was coming out. I think even his parents thought he was gay. He says that he has never been with a man and never plans on it and now he is with this girl. I don't think that I can talk to her though. They have both been really disrespectful to me. She has been staying at my aparment using my stuff and sleeping in my bed and also I now know that she was trying to split us up back in december even though she knew that he was married and had met me before. I don't have the strength or concern for her to be able to talk to her about this. I wish I could be that good of a person but I just can't right now. I am so angry at him and feel that even if I were in her situation as the gf I wouldn't be using the ex wife's things. She is not responsible for the relationship problems between him and I or his cheating, but she is responsible for disrespecting me by sleeping with him in what she knows is my bed. Sorry, I am still really angry here. I am a student and I am having such a hard time concentrating on school right now. . . I hope I can figure it out soon. I am actually moving all my stuff out this weekend so hopefully I feel better after that. Thanks for the advice. I hope I can get to the point where I could have compassion for both of them but I don't think I am there yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
In reply to: ithacagirl13
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 5:47pm
If everyone thought he might be gay (including his parents), everyone thought you were breaking up because he was coming out, and he mentioned he might be gay my guess is that he is gay. (If it waddles and quacks it is usually a duck). He most likely is telling you that he made it up because he is not ready to fully accept it himself.
Not that I think there is anything wrong with being gay but the problem is that you got caught in the middle of someone else stuggling with their sexuality and you ended up getting hurt.
My guess is that if you give it some time the OW will get what's coming to her. Karma is a b**ch. And your STBX will be living a gay lifestyle in a short period of time. Focus on school and yourself. This too shall pass.
Good Luck
M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2007
In reply to: ithacagirl13
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 6:48pm
Thank you for the support. I talk to my friends about it but they just don't understand (none of them have ever been married let alone divorced). I am going tomorrow to move my stuff out of our apartment so I need all the support I can get.