Life is not good today
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| Sat, 06-03-2006 - 7:48pm |
I apologize in advance for what I know is going to be a long post. It's really more about me getting it out than anything. I'm not normally a whiney person, but it's just really been a bad time around here lately.
Background: We've been married for 12 years and 1 week. This is my 2nd marriage and his first. My 1st husband was killed 6 years and 2 children into the marriage. Five years later I married hubby #2. Things have not been really good for ... oh ... about 9 years. We quit having sex about 5 years ago. That would have been right about the time I became the sole breadwinner in the family because he claimed he wanted to start his own business. We were doing kind of ok, though, I thought. We weren't lovers and we weren't "in love" the way a married couple ought to be, but we were friends who cared deeply about each other and shared similar values. Well... I THOUGHT we did.
Things have been getting a little rougher lately. Eight months ago I got word I would lose my job "sometime soon." Oh, and maybe they would find something else in the company for me - or maybe not. A lot of uncertainty. And, remember, mine was the only salary. That "business" never took off, but he never got a job, either.
Thursday I found a naked picture of him on the computer. "Oh, don't worry about that," he said. "A couple of years ago I thought about having an affair, but then I stopped and thought about it and decided not to. I came home before anything happened." I didn't believe him. Friday (yesterday) he left for a 2-week commitment with the National Guard. After he left, I started searching his computer. I don't know if I'm sorry or glad that I did. This man, who I thought had such great family values, had joined a swingers group and was joining in their parties. He's been having regular 3-somes with his best friend and his wife for at least 2 years. I found emails and chats to support that along with emails arranging individual "meets". And, just in case the emails weren't enough, I found pictures of him having sex with the women. This has been going on for at least 3 years and I've been totally oblivious!
I confronted him today with what I had found and I told him that he is no longer welcome in my home. (It was my home before we married.) He may come in and get his things, but that's all. And I told him I will be seeing a lawyer. He didn't even defend himself. Just kept saying things like, "I did it. I can't argue with you." and "You have every right to be angry and hurt." I, on the other hand, was not as civilized.
I'm feeling hurt, angry, dirty, used, physically ill, confused, betrayed, violated, abandoned, sad and just all around mistreated. My best friends live hundreds of miles away and have been great on the phone today, but they've got their own lives, too. I'm feeling really lost at sea here and I can't figure out my next step. It's always important to me to know where I'm going next and it's just not there. I can't eat (not that I really need the food on this fat old body anyway!) or sleep or anything right now.
I can't tell my dad because he has company. I won't call my brother because he's getting married next week and he doesn't need this right now. And I've already talked my best friends' ears off, so you guys got to listen to my ramblings and tearful whinings. Thank you. I promise I'll get through this stage and the moaning and complaining will stop (or at least slow down!).
Oh, and on ... well ... the same kind of note - I blew out my brakes on Friday and now the fan in the freezer portion of my refrigerator sounds like it's trying to take off for outer space. When it rains it hurricanes.

I can't even imagine what you are going through. If I were you I would have had all his crap packed up for him and on the front porch when he got back. I would also consider calling his commanding officer or lieutent etc. He could be dishonorably discharged for something like this. Military doesn't put up with any of this kind of crap. I am so sorry and I hope in time you find true happiness. ((Hugs)) to you and your children.
Carrie
You sound like somebody who doesn't have their feelings considered by those close to you. You don't need to apologize for being hurt over this...it is pretty darn horrible. It certainly isn't whining to want to talk about it. I hope you get to a place where you are surrounded by people that care about you.
I commend you for making a very swift and certain move. My problem is that I don't go ahead and do the deed and kick my husband out and file the paperwork. Good luck to you during this difficult time.
huge hugs!!
I can't imagine what you are going thru right now!! and i thought that i had problems in my former marrige. this is just horrible.
forgive me for being blunt - but it seems to me that you feel that you don't have any RIGHT to be angry, or you dn't have any RIGHT to expect that your friends and family will helpyou thru this!
<< apologize in advance for what I know is going to be a long post. It's really more about me getting it out than anything. I'm not normally a whiney person, but it's just really been a bad time around here lately.>> for god's sake - what do you want from yourself!! of course you need to get this off your chest, you are not being whiney at all - you NEED to talk about this. <<>> yes, you can tell you dad - you call him up and tell him that you need him now!!
I am just assuming here, and i could be wrong, but i imagine that 'this' is not the 'only' problem in your marriage. you sound very much like someone who has been put down and downright abused throughout her marriage - even if you were not aware of it. I am so proud of you for putting your foot down!! and kicking your STBX's sorry butt out of the house.
i understand that you are feeling lost right now - i think that what you need to do is find a therapist who can help you thru this, making decisions, standing up for yourself, and you need a good lawyer who can help you with the financial and legal aspects of the divorce
we are all here for you. everyone of us has been thru/is going thru the same thing right now. ok - not exactly the same story, but for each of us there have been alot of painful revelations, a lot of painful choices, a lot of painful soul searching. and I can tell you from my own story - that i am so much stronger than i was 3 years ago, and two years ago and a month ago - i just keep getting better and better!
hang in there.
HUGS! What a horrible shock! Considering the level of his flagrant infidelity, I think you're absolutely amazing for staying as together as you are! You said you weren't civilized when he came to get his things.....well, for something like this, you get a free pass.
Considering how overwhelming the last few days have been, I don't blame you. The first thing I would suggest you do is go to counseling. It is a TREMENDOUS shock to be faced with the reality of what your H did in black and white. The next step - contact an attorney for a consultation.
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http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-rladultery&nav=start
I would suggest posting on this board, its the ivillage betrayed spouse support board. The women there are wonderful and have been through the same experiences of being betrayed as you have.
Also just because I am kind of anal retentive and am going to think like a level headed human being right now. KEEP ALL THOSE EMAILS, videos etc. Do not relenquish them to anyone. Keep them as evidence. Because since you have been the sole breadwinner in your relationship your husband during the divorce proceedings may request alimony and he would have a very good case in receiving it, so this would be your bargaining tool in telling him to go pound sand. He has put your life and health at risk with his risky sexual behavior.
Do not get rid of those emails, video, pictures none of that. KEEP IT ALL UNDER LOCK AND KEY and I would store it at a lawyers house so he couldn't come into the house and take it while you weren't there. I would also get your locks changed on the house and call a lawyer quickly.
Also, contact a counselor and get yourself into counseling as soon as possible. NONE of your husbands behavior is your fault but you seem to have had a lot of issues in your marriage that were swept under the rug, he didnt work, you two haven't had sex for 5 years etc. THose things were never dealt with and now this secret lifestyle. Please go to counseling, you cannot deal with this on your own.
Hugs to you.
Edited 6/4/2006 11:30 am ET by sniffle_sally
Thank you all so much. I'm sitting here reading your posts crying so hard I can barely see the screen. I started to say you don't know how much your posts mean to me, but I guess if anyone knows, you all do. I really needed the understanding and support and I know I'm going to keep needing it over the next while.
One of the hardest parts, and there are so many hard parts, is that I'm normally a very strong, self-sufficient person. I'm not sure where that part of me is right now, but I sure wish she'd come back. I really hate being this crying, needy person.
((kbach)), you mention the friend whose husband is hooked on porn. So was mine. Please, if she'll listen, tell her it's time to leave. I wish I had kicked him out then. I think that's part of what led to this. I was so stupid. I thought it was harmless for him to look at those pictures. Even rationalized that it was helping in the bedroom. Well, I guess it was. Just not in MY bedroom. And, thank you for the reminder to come back. I guess I'll be here quite a lot for a while now. You may get sick of me and tell me NOT to come back! ;-)
((Carrie)) I wish you'd been here. You'd have helped me pack his stuff. :) Unfortunately, I was still at the sit-and-stare-in-shock stage. What I DID have the sense to do was put all the incriminating evidence in a safe place where he can't get to it and change all of my passwords - everywhere - so that he can't get to anything I have.
I'm still contemplating calling his CO. I think I'll wait a little on that, though. As I mentioned, I just lost my job and all insurance. He (FINALLY) starts a job with the Guard full-time on the 11th. While he was being all calm and I was not, he offered to put myself and my remaining minor child on his insurance and provide us with some financial support until I find a job of my own. My first instinct was NO WAY. I don't want anything from him, I just want him gone. But, reason is starting to prevail. I really need the insurance and after he's sponged off of me for 5 years I really want him to have to pay at least SOME! My thought right now is that I'll wait and when I have myself settled and we actually file for divorce, THEN I'll call his CO.
Oh, ((berkleygal)). I wish it had been a swift move. It should have happened a long time ago. It just took a final catalyst to make it happen. It's a hard thing to do. You're right, though, people don't often consider my feelings. I'd never paid much attention to that before. I've always been the caretaker, the strong one, the one who smoothes the way for others and that's ok with me most of the time. The only person I ever noticed disregarding my feelings was my husband. Guess that should have been the catalyst, huh?
((sk1960)) First, blunt is good. It means we're saying what we mean instead of tippy-toeing around. And you're right. There's a part of me that doesn't feel like I have a right to be angry. I should have divorced him 5 years ago when he decided he wasn't going to work and we weren't going to have sex any more. If I had, this wouldn't be happening now. I shouldn't have put up with all I've put up with over the last 5 years. But I did. And now a part of me feels like it's all my fault. Oh, I know in my head that even though I bear a portion of the blame, it's not ALL my fault. Right now my head and my heart aren't talking, though. :-)
I will be telling my brother and my dad, but, honestly, I'd just as soon they enjoy their company/wedding first. Then we can deal with my crap. Unfortunately, my crap will still be there and I'll still need them - maybe more than I do right now.
You're definitely not wrong. There were a LOT of problems in our marriage. Some were me and some were him. I'm just better at looking for my part in causing the problems he was causing. Yeah, I know. It doesn't make any sense. I think I want it to be my fault because then I can fix it. I'm a great "fixer". There just isn't any way to fix this ... well, short of booting him out and moving on, which I'm working on!
((Christine)) Thank you.I don't feel very together yet, but I'm sure it'll come. I hope I get more than a single free pass because I suspect I'll slip out of civilized behavior a few more times before I get it together again! I have figured out my next step. Allow myself to grieve. I've lost someone I thought was a dear friend (at the least) and my marriage is dead. Grief is natural and MUST come next. The other things, the practical things, they will come, too. I'm going to take a page from AA and take things one day at a time here. Today I cry and tell my daughter (I told my son last night, but she wasn't home) and my dad. Today I grieve for what was lost.
Oh, and today I emailed his little sex buddies and let them know he is married regardless of what he told them and I emailed his swingers club and told them he's married, too. I don't think I'm quite done being uncivilized. ;-)
Again, thank you guys. I know I'll get through this, but your support will help. Someday I'll be able to be the one helping others!
Holy crud!! It sounds as if he was relieved that he was caught by not putting up any kind of fight. Good for you for kicking him out. That's just NASTY!! There is one positive spin on all of this...being that you're the only source of income for the family (for now) you don't have to rely on him for ANYTHING! You're going to make it through. You're going to come out smelling like roses girl! Stay strong and hold your head up high. Your children are going to be so proud of you for maintaining a stable life that they'll forever call you their hero!!
(((hugs)))