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| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 9:49am |
Phew.
Shoes keep dropping around here -- there aren't just two :-).
So, my stbx says he can't get home until X time so I can go to my appt. I ask why; he says because he is cutting out on his *yoga* class early as it is!
His YOGA class!!! Oh geesh! This was his tactic when he was in college -- take ballet so he could wear tight leotards and hang out with the chicks -- and here he is employing it to meet chicks when he's in his late 40s -- it's a tactic, I guess and as long as he takes his wedding ring off, he's fair game, right?
Ostensibly he is doing it to lose weight and get in shape because of some significant health concerns and I am all for that, but it is all part of this whole new life he is creating for himself -- the single life -- whole new wardrobe, new books, new computer, shopping all the time and going to yoga and flirting with the girls. There's more I can't post here.
It makes me sick to think he is happily walking away from his children, his home, his *married* life. There are guys out there who want this, want this commitment, want to come home to a family; think it is a GOOD thing, but not my stbx; to h#ll with is young children and his duty toward them--he wants to take care of HIM!!!
So he plays.
I work, worry, try to figure out how we are going to survive, try to figure out how *I* am going to have time to take care of my physical health in all this.
And the sahms whose ranks I am leaving, they get to stand around pre-school chatting about what size their toddlers are wearing and stressing over cushions for their window seat and signing up for mid-day bible studies.
And there I stand between the two ... it is a hard place to be.
I will make it; it can be good, but boy do I think my stbx is a miserable selfish ... you name it.
Thanks for letting me vent!
M

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Oh M ((((((((Hugs)))))))) to you. Here's the thing....you are doing the right thing by looking after all of the loose ends so that the impact of this separation will be softened (as much as possible) for your daughters.
He is definitely going through a mid-life crisis - at least that is what it sounds like and the new clothes, acting like a buffoon, all come with the territory. At some point he will come to the realization that he has been doing all of that to the exclusion of his dd's and the previous life that you and he had created. I strongly suspect his regret will eventually kick in.
I strongly recommend you stay the course and continue to take the higher ground - you will never regret doing that.
((((hugs again)))))) Hang in there...
Rose
Sadly, I can relate to this. My ex behaved this way while IN the marriage, long before there was any mention of divorce. He wanted a new Sirius radio? He got it. Dinners, movies, golf, happy hours, shopping with friends? He did it. Weekends away with the buddies? Done. Obligation to his family? Next to none. I'd be sitting at home with three pieces of bread in the kitchen, trying to figure out how I was going to make a dinner out of that. We didn't have money for groceries, but a $50.00 dinner out was fine. I can relate to the selfishness.
While I never had the opportunity to be a SAHM, I am sure it must be very difficult for you. I was always very jealous of SAHMs because I could never be one. If we wanted food on the table, health insurance, and to pay the mortgage, I had to work full-time and then some just to barely scrape by, thanks to the ex's selfishness.
Though are circumstances are different, selfishness is the major factor here!
(((((((M))))))))
yes, he is very selfish. it always amazes me how some people can be so giving, while others, coincidentally stbx's, are takers.
you will survive. positive thoughts to you.
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Rose et al!
You know, upon reflection, I have to chuckle at myself -- I am complaining that my stbx is taking Yoga :-)))) Not going to bars, not watching porno flicks (that I know of), not drinking or doing drugs -- I am complaining because he is doing yoga -- how funny is that?!
But, of course, you ALL understood ... it's about *why* he's taking yoga and it's about how everything he is doing is about him and his new SINGLE life ... just blows me away.
He is making no consessions in his plans for the sake of his kids--I guess that's the really tough part -- apt. in the swinging singles part of town a considerable distance from the kids' home, refuses to get a car because *he* won't need one (nevermind needing to transport the kids anywhere), the gym, the new clothes, the new computer, the incessant shopping (frankly I think he is bipolar and in a manic phase), all of it on credit cards!!!
Then, of course, there is the whole looking for "chicks" aspect ... he is cruising the personals I think, as well.
Happens every day to 1,000s of us, but it still just amazes me.
Otoh, I am focusing on building my life (poor though it will be) and focusing on doing the best for my kids. Networking for a job; making sure they get the right teachers for next year; lining up counseling for them; continuing relationship-building in the neighborhood and community; looking at finances and trying to figure out how to balance the financial costs with the personal costs of housing decisions (sell and move vs. stay and starve--although I don't think it is that clear cut).
I feel good about all that. I just wish I had maybe some time to take care of me, too. Because I gotta stay healthy and alive for these kids.
Thanks again for listening!
M
Oh yeah!
My stbx is still in the house (decided he couldn't be bothered to move out when he said he wanted to; after demanding a specific separation date) and doing this while still married and the kids don't know.
Meantime, he has 1/2 packed boxes in "his" room and it is trashed and he doesn't wear his wedding ring 1/2 the time around our kids who don't know yet about the divorce ... he is letting these dear ones know not so subtley, hunh? Shame on him; they are only 5 and 6 1/2!
I haven't even posted about his neglect of the kids when in charge of them -- leaves them alone in the bathtub for 1/2 hour; doesn't help them brush their teeth (my older one has new ones coming in that need special attention) and then says they lost their story time because *they* dawdled!!! He just can't be bothered.
And you know? He once was a pretty good father and still can be, but he is just going off on himself, I guess. My poor poor kids.
Good for you being strong and earning for your family and freeing yourself from a selfish person. That is where I have to be right now.
M
Hey, I know your situation is SO much tougher! I feel pretty silly complaining about my stbx taking yoga -- it sounds like a funny thing to complain about, but you all understood the big picture.
Ironically, I had just made a call to find out about yoga for me at a local church that provides childcare the morning before he told me about *his* yoga class. Now I am determined to do it. I need to take care of me in this or my kids are gonna have a mommy long enough.
So, hugs back to you!
M
m
circumstances really don't matter. divorce is a divorce regardless of what is going on. i guess what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. :-)
and yes, yoga may seem mild to some of the other issues like booze, porn, or another woman, but the principal is still the same. when they leave you emotionally and physically it hurts.
take care of you and your kiddies.
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oh and btw: ballet in tights? whats up with that??
Oh yeah, the guys wear tights -- no kidding. And that, my dear, leads to a whole other issue which I cannot explore in a public forum (eye roll).
M
LOL. :-)
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i think you have every right to feel whatever you want to feel, but in the end, you are choosing to feel victimized. That is your choice. No one is doing that to you--your exH is not doing it to you and those SAHMs aren't either. http://www.coping.org/relations/martyr.htm
What are you going to choose for yourself moving forward?
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