Little graduation ceremony at ds school

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Little graduation ceremony at ds school
5
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 10:33am

Good morning ladies,

I need some advice. My ds as you all know has a neurological disorder and attends a school that deals with children with special needs. The end of this month they are having a graduation ceremony for those who are going off to elementary school. My ds is not graduating yet but they will have all the kids participate. I mentioned it to ex a few weeks ago and he said he would like to come but isnt sure, something about being able to only take off two days from school and he thinks he already has two days for this month.

Yesterday the school sent home the paper requesting how many people would be attending and it needs to be handed in by the 19th. So I called ex to ask him and if he's going and he's like uhhhh, when is it again, I told him then he said yeah Im going, kinda hesitant. I asked are you sure and he mentions his school and the whole he cant miss more than two days thing again. So I said okay I need to know so I can tell the school. He says he's going so I said okay I'll tell them two of us are going. Then he said he thinks gf wants to go (in my mind I knew this would be and was siking myself up for it) so I said ok I'll tell them 3 of us. The first time I mentioned it to him I told him it would be nice if we did something nice with ds afterward (what the heck was I thinking) then when he mentioned the gf wanting to go I said well there goes us doing anything with him afterward. He was like what? So i reminded him of what I had mentioned the first time. He was like well I'll go and if you want to do something with him after then fine, I'll leave.

It hurt, I just said forget it and said bye and hung up. I could have kicked myself I felt so stupid. To my surprise this really hurt. It was like the reality hit all over again that we ARE NOT A FAMILY. I think Im biting off more than I can chew here. I still had some minute hope that he would let the first school thing be shared between just us. Now the whole school will know that my son's mommy and daddy arent together. I didnt want to broadcast to the whole world we are a broken family. What hurts even more is that I'll be there alone and they will be together. Jesus. I know it's over between me and him. I know it, I know it. Im happier without him but damn this hurts. The thought of her being there, them being all lovey dovey and me sitting there alone, no significant other in my life. Her carrying on like he's her son. If she was snapping pictures for his first hair cut I can imagine how she'll be with this. How do i get through this one? HELP PLEASE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:23pm

Hugs. I know that this is difficult. Realize this, you are a stronger person, than to immediately jump into another relationship, don't you realize that??? It takes a much stronger individual to recognize that you have to heal and go through a process of working through issues as well as learning from mistakes made in THIS relationship BEFORE jumping into the next one. SO what if you don't have a significant other. Does that make you LESS of a person Luv?? No it doesn't. You know I had this irrational fear that I brought up to my counselor not to long after my ex and I split, I told her I was at the mall and how I basically walked as fast as I could in the mall went straight to the store that I needed to go too and went right back out again and I was practically sweating when I got to my car and she asked me what I was afraid of I told her I was afraid I was going to bump into my ex or one of his friends and she said why? and I told her because I was alone and I didn't want them to think I was a loser. She said okay lets break it down, what would have happened if you had bumped into them, I said they would have talked to me briefly and then we would have gone our seperate ways and then I said BUT they would have told my ex I was there alone. She said SO? and I said well that means I'm a loser I have no boyfriend. She said when you see people at the mall alone do you think they are a loser? I said ABSOLUTELY NOT she said so why would someone AUTOMATICALLY assume you were? What if your boyfriend was in the car? At home cooking you a fabulous dinner? or so what you don't have a boyfriend. And it was such a light bulb moment. Who cares? Since when is it NOT okay to have a significant other every single moment of our lives??? You just got divorced did you not? Your taking things slow, you having primary custody of your little one therefore don't want to parade men in and out of his life, GOOD FOR YOU!!! Your a great mom!!!!!

Stop beating yourself up for not having anyone. You are still a family. Your son still has a father who is involved in his life, much more than many kids can say and he has a girlfriend who seems very interested in wanting to be involved as well as much as that hurts to include her sometimes, I think its good that she wants to be there and support your child, there are plenty of "gf" "stepparents" that want nothing to do with someone elses kids, partly why I am here is for that exact reason and why my exhusband is as screwed up as he is. This day is about your little one. Its his day.

Its tough...it will get better...HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:24pm

By now, most people that we are dealing with as parents know that we're divorced, although EX's new wife rarely attends any "events" (I really wish she would).... but, just with EX and I being divorced, people are amazed that we can both attend functions, many times we sit right next to each other... and can chat and be civil.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 1:13pm

Thanks to both of you ladies. To the first poster our breakup has been a LONG TIME a little over two years and im finally at a fairly good healing point that I can tolerate alot more than I could even 6mths ago. I know some people will think geez, get over it already, but this whole thing with her attending "events" is something I hadnt counted on having to deal with just yet.

If nothing else I do want to come off as handling this as graceful as possible. Ex is used to me breaking down and not being able to control my emotions. So the 1st encounter at the barber shop was a big victory for me. I know I can make it through this one. Damn it just stings. I know I dont need anyone to "complete me". Sometimes I just think that it has been as long as it has been and Im still not in a real relationship but he's just going full speed ahead all happy. It makes me sick.

I just needed to vent and get this out. I know I'll be okay. Ladies thank you so much for putting it into perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:10pm

Luvred, you have to stop giving him the upperhand. The only thing you (should) do is give him a heads up that your son has an event coming up. He can make the call himself if he wants to attend, and how many will be attending with him. You also have to stop including him on every facet of your life. I don't understand why he had to be there for your son's first haircut.

It is obvious to me that you still have alot of emotions that you haven't resolved concerning your x. The best thing you can do for yourself is not intentionally put yourself in those situations.

I think it is important to keep the non-custodial parent in the loop for your son's sake, but you can't lead them by the hand and make them be good parents. You, as the better person, should only provide him with the information, and again, being that your emotions are still raw, you should do it through e-mail.... i.e. (hey DS has an event on x day at x time. You need to reserve seating if you plan on attending. Here is the contact info) That's it.

Your son is young. He will inevitably have many functions. You will need to get a handle on this. The Doctor visits, I wouldn't even bother getting x involved unless it is an emergency situation, then I would call him, let him know the details, and if he chooses to come, so be it, if not, you, being the better person, at least gave him the option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:56pm

I hear your opinion. In response to the first haircut situation, it wasnt MANDATORY he be there, Im trying to include him in things with ds. Why? Because he has missed alot of his first things and I thought he would like to be there for that and he did. I have to co-parent with this man for the rest of my life.

Did I set myself up for somewhat of a fall. Yes and No. As much as I may not like the idea that we are a "broken family" for lack of a better word at this time I know he loves ds. He is just a big jerk and someone here has to be the bigger person. I will be way more careful next time as far as what type of response I expect. I'd rather him and I be "friendly or civil" than at each others throats the way we used to be. For whatever reason this just got to me.

The letter came home to me and I am to hand it in that's why I called him and asked. I will give him the opportunity to be involved. If he uses it or doesnt it's on him. Ive come a long way and still have a long way to go, but all in all consider this a very minor step back. Im over it now.