Living with my ex in our house
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|Wed, 11-16-2011 - 4:06pm|
After 11 years of living in a volatile, verbally abusive relationship my BF finally agreed with me it's time to go our separate ways, so why am I so angry about it? For the last 11 years we have done nothing but argue on an almost daily basis and after his brain injury a couple years ago it has gotten so much worse because he can't control his temper. I have been called every name in the book and he has said so many mean and hateful things to me during his manic episodes that I have grown thick skinned in order to not let his words hurt me. I hate who I have become. I hate that I am always angry all the time. I hate that I am always depressed. I hate life right now. And I hate thinking how this will affect my relationships down the road. I have suffered from depression for many many years and I have sought counseling and am in two support groups, one for brain injury spouses/significant others and the other for domestic violence.
So why am I so upset about going separate ways if the relationship was so bad? I think it is mainly because within two weeks after he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore he already had another gf. He "swears" he didn't even know her before we broke up but like I'm stupid enough to believe him especially when I saw the card expressing how much she loved him. Who really loves someone after just two weeks of knowing them? I'm mad and incredibly hurt because I was so easily replaced, like if I meant absolutely nothing to him. A week before we split he was still telling me he loved me.
One of the hardest parts to deal with is that we are still living in our house together along with his 15yo daughter. He is not willing to move out or sell it. I can't move out because ONLY my name is on the mortgage and if he doesn't make the payments and it forecloses my credit gets wrecked not his. His name, unfortunately, is on the deed (don't need you to tell me how stupid that was). He can't get financing and therefore can't buy me out. Although I live comfortably in the basement area we share the bathroom, kitchen, etc so it is a stress fest for everyone when we are home at the same time. I try to stay away from the house as much as possible, but it's my house too and I should be able to be there when I want to be and feel comfortable at the same time. Instead it makes me feel depressed and angry and hurt because I can oftentimes hear him talking on the phone with his new gf through the walls. He told me that I was never to bring any guy over to the house because it would be too awkward, but I found out today via a picture on facebook that his gf was in our house! How disrespectful!!!
I guess the reason I am writing is because I need some emotional support to help get through this because even though we have gone our separate ways (and needed to) I still have deep feelings for him because we just shared 11 years together yet I