Living with my ex in our house

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Living with my ex in our house
9
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 4:06pm

After 11 years of living in a volatile, verbally abusive relationship my BF finally agreed with me it's time to go our separate ways, so why am I so angry about it? For the last 11 years we have done nothing but argue on an almost daily basis and after his brain injury a couple years ago it has gotten so much worse because he can't control his temper. I have been called every name in the book and he has said so many mean and hateful things to me during his manic episodes that I have grown thick skinned in order to not let his words hurt me. I hate who I have become. I hate that I am always angry all the time. I hate that I am always depressed. I hate life right now. And I hate thinking how this will affect my relationships down the road. I have suffered from depression for many many years and I have sought counseling and am in two support groups, one for brain injury spouses/significant others and the other for domestic violence.

So why am I so upset about going separate ways if the relationship was so bad? I think it is mainly because within two weeks after he told me he didn't want to be with me anymore he already had another gf. He "swears" he didn't even know her before we broke up but like I'm stupid enough to believe him especially when I saw the card expressing how much she loved him. Who really loves someone after just two weeks of knowing them? I'm mad and incredibly hurt because I was so easily replaced, like if I meant absolutely nothing to him. A week before we split he was still telling me he loved me.

One of the hardest parts to deal with is that we are still living in our house together along with his 15yo daughter. He is not willing to move out or sell it. I can't move out because ONLY my name is on the mortgage and if he doesn't make the payments and it forecloses my credit gets wrecked not his. His name, unfortunately, is on the deed (don't need you to tell me how stupid that was). He can't get financing and therefore can't buy me out. Although I live comfortably in the basement area we share the bathroom, kitchen, etc so it is a stress fest for everyone when we are home at the same time. I try to stay away from the house as much as possible, but it's my house too and I should be able to be there when I want to be and feel comfortable at the same time. Instead it makes me feel depressed and angry and hurt because I can oftentimes hear him talking on the phone with his new gf through the walls. He told me that I was never to bring any guy over to the house because it would be too awkward, but I found out today via a picture on facebook that his gf was in our house! How disrespectful!!!

I guess the reason I am writing is because I need some emotional support to help get through this because even though we have gone our separate ways (and needed to) I still have deep feelings for him because we just shared 11 years together yet I

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 8:02pm

have you contacted the deed office for your county to see what you need to do to have his name removed from the deed? There should be a procedure for these types of situations, it usually involves a minimal fee.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 11-16-2011 - 11:00pm

I think you should consult a lawyer--contrary to what the 2nd poster wrote, you can't just "remove" his name from the deed because he owns 1/2 the house, but I know where I live, there is a legal procedure by which one co-owner could force the other one to sell even if they don't want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 8:07am
JIM------ i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you,....... sorry, i just really needed to vent this morning.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 11-17-2011 - 7:55pm

Hi,

Even though you were not legally married you should consult a divorce attorney on the matter relating to joint property, i.e. the house. I believe you have the ability to get a 'Quick Claim Deed" which would take his name off the deed. As it is financed in your name only, then I believe this is one course open to you. But you need to ask an attorney to be certain.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 12:45pm

This is exactly the problem--(and I am an attorney).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 1:58pm

Thank you everyone who responded, I appreciate your comments. Unfortunately, you kind of missed the mark on this one :smileysad:. I was looking for emotional support and how to's for living in the same house

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 4:40pm

Sorry we weren't that helpful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 11-18-2011 - 10:35pm

I know what you are going through. I lived with my ex for one half years while we were getting a divorce.. Let me try and explain. I had left home because my ex was verbally abusive.. While i was gone for 15 months my ex obtained a new woman asap..

I had to go back and live in the marital home to make sure that I got a divorce and got a settlement since I had an abandonment issue over my head. So back I went into the house .. I took a room and my ex had the master bedroom and bath. My bath was in the hallway.. The house was big enough so that wasnt the issue. His gfriend did not live there..

I have to say that I did watch my ex go to his gfriends and talk on phone with women.. It stung me like crazy and it did hurt but I kept quiet and I didnt engage in anything he was doing. I kept to myself and I went out with friends when i could. I just did my own thing and he did his.. I cant tell you it was easy because it wasnt.. I kept a journal and I documented everthing I could just in case I needed it for court.. It was a painful time but when I changed the way I looked at it I felt better. I mean I was living rent free and I had money coming in .. and the house was a great house. On occasion I would go and visit family and stay a few days here and there. I also had some opportunities to travel with a friend for free so that got me out of that house for a time also..

Maybe you can look at like you are still getting to live in the house and be free.. You can come and go and do what you want and he cant stop you.. Its a good and bad feeling all at the same time.. What also saved me was that i knew that my ex was abusing the new girl. So my motto for that was better her than me.

There are ways to cope if you choose to be civil and just mind your own business. Like I said it wont be easy but its doable.

I waited in that house with my ex for almost two years until all was done.. and I got out.. It was well worth it to me and you know I dont regret it one minute..

You can choose how you want to act while you have to live with him. I used to hide my feelings and when I needed to cry I did. when I needed to talk to someone I went to support groups.. I had a counselor also. So there is alot you can do but you just have to find what works for you at this time..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Tue, 11-22-2011 - 2:53pm
Thank you so much for weighing in on this. I read your message a couple times this past week and every time I felt better about myself and how I am going to handle this situation. I finally came to the realization that after 11 years of this, I deserve better and there is no going back no matter how much pleading and how many girlfriend's he goes through while I'm here. And you are right, better them than me because verbal abuse is abuse no matter how you slice it and it wasn't fun. I am so happy you shared your story with me because it really helped put things into perspective knowing that it can be done if you look at it the right way.... My saying for today is, "it's time to get off the roller coaster and jump on the ferris wheel for a slower, more enjoyable ride."